Happy Thanksgivingmas to you and yours! For those of you reading IBBB from different, less desirable countries, Thanksgiving is an American holiday where we all celebrate Jesus sailing to the United States of America on the Nina and seeing his shadow on the 3rd day. From there he created the Easter bunny and one-day sales all across our great country. So raise your glass of Crystal Pepsi and give thanks to Santa Christ for such a lovely day!This year I am grateful for: The Hills getting picked up for a 5th season, endless white-trash Harriet Carter products, and my switch from vodka tonic to vodka soda.
This year I am not grateful for singing "Reunited" by Peaches and Herb with my friend at a bar last night. I am not grateful for the cold I have. I am not grateful for drunken emails and/or text messages.
The end. F'n gobble gobble.
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Product # 1 - Are you a serial killer in training? I know I am! If you like to mess with all of God's creatures on a regular basis does Harriet have the product for you! All you need to do is simply place this animal exorcism kit on your tree and just wait for the neighborhood dog to come running onto your property. Within seconds "man's best friend" will hear an "ear splitting sound" that will chase Sparky off your property like an alter boy running from Father O'Malley after mid-night mass. I, of course, will be taking this contraption a step further and will be installing the "Animal Chaser" onto my belt. I will then take a trip to the zoo and simply walk around and see how the animals do. I'll also alter it so that not only do animals hear these earsplitting sounds, but the homeless as well. Watching animals chasing the homeless out of my neighborhood is more cost effective and humane than anything that a neighborhood watch could do. Thanks, Harriet, for putting an end to "dog mess" and the homeless.
Product # 1 - I'm not going to lie to you. At first glance I assumed this contraption allows you to cook your cat in the sky. Yes? Now are those 3 red snakes that are going towards that black plastic oval in the sky? Is this cat helping to remove snakes similar to the way that St Patrick got rid of the snakes? Most importantly, is this cat not only smiling, but wearing blush on its cheeks as well? So many questions so little time. Well, we're all wrong. This is actually a litter box called the "Ca ouse." I'll repeat that. The description calls this a "Ca ouse." Not really sure why there's a space between the two words and I'm even more confused on what an "ouse" is, but nevertheless people should buy it just so that their cats can turn into animated sketches and smile. This "Ca ouse" can also "de-scent skunk odor." Really? What's going on with your cat that it needs all this? I was always taught that if your cat get sprayed by a skunk you just flush it down the toilet. Was I taught incorrectly? I mean, that's what we did with my great grandmother, so I just assumed that was normal protocol for cats. Anygato, I'll be using this to cook my neighborhood cats. It comes with a plug and the economy is pretty dicey right now so I think it's my best bet. Meow, Harriet. Meow.
Product # 2 - Hey there shitty fingers! Are you looking to dip you fingers into your chocolate milk maker? Are you gross? Do you look forward to spreading germs all over your bathroom? Well if you've answered "huh?" to any of these questions do I have the product for you! Why it's Toilet Paper Foam, but of course! The "TPF" is used to add a foaming cleanser to your toilet paper so that your bum can basically get spit-shined after you take a dainty poop or projectile explosive diarrhea all over your bathroom wall. Simply pump a few squirts onto your toilet paper and VOILA! Sparkle bum! Luckily toilet paper usually does well when it gets wet so I'm certain that your fingers won't poke a hole through the paper and you'll accidentally give yourself your very own colonoscopy. Move over, Katie Couric, because now you can do this in your very own home! While the brand name is "Aaah" I'm sure you'll be screaming "YOWZA" when three fingers enter the bum. Enjoy trying to wipe the feces off your hand without touching the sink faucets or door know. Cleanliness all around! Thanks, Harriet, for making shitting on my hand fun!
