The City Recap: Kelly Cutrone and Her Birthday Saves the Show!

All hail! Blessed Mother Kelly CUNTrone is back to save and bless The City! Now I know I've tee'd off on Kelly ever since The Hills, but the truth is I love her. Oh, and she is clearly the most talented person on The City....or just in life in general. Plus, I bet she'd wanna bump sewing machines with Olivia and by that I mean have sex. Was that not clear? Here's what went down last night on The City (cow-bell, cow-bell, cow-bell, cow-bell):

• The crapisode starts with all the girls having a little lunch. There's one girl sitting there in which I have no clue who it is, although she looks familiar. I soon realize it's actually Erin, whose pinned back her bangs and painted on some whore-red lipstick. I never realized Erin was suffering from the horrible disease, AULS (Audrina Upper Lip Syndrome).

• Poor (not financially) Erin is looking for a job and Allie's agency is looking to hire people with no experience, but apparently who can smile and talk to people. I'm sorry sweetie, but we're in a recession and most companies have let go of about 5,000 employees in the past month.....good to hear your company is hiring people without experience. Trash bag.

• Erin quickly scores an interview at Allie's model agency, "One Management," with President Scott Lipps. Is it ironic that Scott Lipps is actually missing his lips? Erin is also sorta missing her upper lip. This is a match made in scripted City heaven!

• Erin's interview skills are top notch! She let's Scott Lippsless know that she's be "unofficially styling" for a long time. Yeah, that's code word for "I dress myself and make fun of the way other people dress when I'm standing at the bar, drunk, judging everyone else in order to make myself feel better."

• Well apparently that's all it takes because Erin scored the job, instantly. Erin's job is a Production Coordinator, which is the next step up from an assistant. Look, neither of those jobs is a bad thing and everyone needs to start somewhere, but they are certainly not paying the kinds of salaries that are allowing Erin to live in her Gramercy apartment. Geesh! Save the jobs for the people who really need them, whoreface!

• Moving on to more important things, it's Kelly CUNTrone's birthday party! I love it! What, is she like 75 or something? I love me some Kelly. Whitney is fillinK all the girls in on how honest Kelly is about everything. Allie, the walking corpse of the group, is acting all cocky like she's not afraid of Kelly. Oh we'll see Allie. We'll see. Oh, and it is just me or does anyone else feel like you'd only be able to talk to Allie via a Ouija board?

• So is Kelly wasted? She kinda looks it? When she walks up to Whitney's table and hugs her it looks like she's hanging on to Whitney for dear life. Awesome! I'm also loving how Kelly is dressed like Uncle Jesse, from Full House, when he was doing a "Jesse and the Rippers" concert. Brilliant.

• Gutsy Allie tries to get Kelly to tell her what she thinks of her outfit and Kelly jumps back with a "I get paid money to talk about things like that." I felt like giving a z-snap when I heard her say it.

• Moments later Kelly is asking Allie if she's ok because she seems so skinny. Sweet! Kelly is like the conscience of all of us watching this crap. She's actually interacting and acting the exact way I would if I were ever given a chance to be on The City. Anyway, Allie claims that she's fine and Kelly doesn't believe her 75 pound bony ass. Kelker Seltzer tells Allie that it's a question she should be asking herself. I think Allie should be asking herself if she comes from an alien background. Check the family tree. In the end, Kelly leaves the table by saying, and I quote, "I'm going to go DJ...I think." I love a drunken Kelly CUNTrone and a sober Kelly Cutrone. I like both of them. There, I said it.

• Erin bumps into her ex-boyfriend. The two of them put me to sleep. I'd rather listen to stories about my parents dating back in the 1960's than watch Erin and her ex interact.

• Hurricane Cutrone moves to a different part of the bar in which it hits landfall as a category 3 on Allie's ass once again. Allie informs Kelly that she works for Scott Lippsless and Kelly responds, once again, that Allie is so skinny and if she needs any help to let her know. Like a 5 year who's been caught stealing Big League Chew from the corner store, Allie books it outta there in the middle of Kelly's intervention with her. Whitney, of course, chases Allie out of the building and up the street in which they embrace. Awww, how....awkward. Don't hug an alien, you'll get slime all over you.

• The next morning Erin's ex puts his shirt on and leaves her apartment. He tells her he'll "shoot her a text or something." I hope he shoots me and the bullets come right through the TV and hit me on my couch and put me out of my misery.

• Later, we learn that Erin's first day of work consists of her talking to her work-mate about her dating life because, you know, that's professional on your first day.

• At night, One Management is having a dinner party and I get very confused. So here's the deal. We literally see Erin sitting at the table with the rest of the people from work....AND Allie. Next thing you know, you hear Allie say to Scott Lippsless, "Did Erin start yet?" Um, isn't she sitting at the table with you? Did anyone else notice that? I'm confused. Is this an editing mistake or is Allie that dumb? Studies do show that malnourished children can have many developmental delays.

• Sweet! Hurricane Cutrone has been spotted up the coast of Allie's ass and is also at the One Mgt party! She hi-five's some people, in typically Cutrone fashion, and sits her ass right down across from Allie. Allie, the lifeless skank that she is, asks Kelly if she remembers her. Kelly, of course, does and apologizes for making her feel bad, but really wanted to know if she was ok.

• Meanwhile, Adam wants to confront Kelly. Dude, shut the F up and sit the F down. You're getting a little too close to Spencer Pratt status. Get an f'n grip on yourself and your d-bag walking corpse of a girlfriend.

• Wow, well we're 25 minutes into the episode and FINALLY we get to see Olivia. Whitney tells Olivia what happened between Allie and Kelly and Olivia tells Whitney to let it go...over and over again. They probably just hit "replay" on the editing machine. You know that the whole time Olivia is thinking, "Are you 12? Get a life." I love Olivia. Love her. Me gusta Olvia. I'd want her to sit on my lap and just do "eye rolls" to me for 35 minutes.

• Adam and Allie are grocery shopping and are both trying to justify that Allie is at a normal weight and there are people out there that are way skinnier than her. Yeah, they're called "Ethiopians." Allie also seems to think because she's getting work than it's ok. She's a joke.

• In the end, Whitney goes to Kelly's office to talk about what happened. Kelly tells Whitney she won't apologize for what she said to Allie. I love it! She also says, "the truth doesn't always come as a shiny bluebird on someones shoulder. The truth hurts." Someone make that into a t-shirt...STAT! Can I meet Kelly? Can someone make this happen?

• Overall, you have to give Kelly props for what she's saying because she is speaking the truth. We have to remember that the target audience for The City is young girls...and me....and they're going to be watching this and looking at Allie and aspire to look like her bag of bones. I think it's great that Kelly is saying that it's an issue that the industry is forcing these girls to look like this and that even the consumers don't want to see people that skinny and do not want to be that skinny. Sure, Tyra Banks has been chirping about that for years, but at least Kelly doesn't make it about herself whilst she's chirping.

• I say more power to Kelly. It was refreshing to have some real life-life people in this episode.
  

What did you trash-bags think of this episode? Are we going to get into an actual adult conversation in the comments section about ideal weight and eating disorders or should we just make fun of everyone? Your call!

Check out more on Kelly Cutrone, from info on her new Bravo show Kell on Earth, or from The City Recaps over at the new ImBringingBloggingBack.com

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The City Recap: Olivia and Whitney Have a Sassoff! What Was Whitney ThinkinK?

Hey all (or y'all) - sorry this recap is late. As you know I'm in the process of having this little site designed and was supposed to relaunch yesterday. Well that didn't happen. The site is ready, but just doesn't work....meaning I can't upload anything new to it. So, yeah, that's a problem. Oh, and my web people have no idea how to fix that so it's been a wonderful experience. I actually have no idea now when it will be ready. Good times. Well back to The City Recap. Anyway, here's what went down on the latest crapisode of The City....cow bell.....cow bell....

• In typical "Who's the Boss" cliffhangers, we have a continuation of The City in which we will discover the confrontation between Allie and Catarina, which I will now refer to as "Operation Allie Cat." See what I did there?



• We start off with Whitney being extremely productive at work (just like the good old days) and combing through her Google email as Olivia "catwalks" into the office wearing what I can only assume is the top half of an ostrich costume. In cases like this I can only hope that that "carpet doesn't match the drapes" because, well, those ostrich feathers are too long and too dark. She'd be like a cavewoman or even worse, someone from one of those middle eastern countries where they just hide behind beat-up cars and throw rocks at each other while the National Geographic Channel films it for a documentary. Yeah, so....


• Whitney is kind enough to invite my future wife, Olivia, to some crap-bag art show that her friend is having to which Olivia will need to check her busy schedule and let her know if she can make it. Please. There is no doubt in my mind that Olivia won't be there. I mean, afterall there will be a camera crew there.


• Whoa. Wait. Stop the press. What do we have here? Whitney starts telling Olivia about the faux-drama that's going down with her friends and Olivia basically goes bat-shit-crazy on her. She tells Whitney that it's too much information for her and that she's 23 yrs old and not in high school anymore, so she needs to stay out of the drama. Whitney looks as if she just witnessed someone shooting her puppy and skinning it alive. Perhaps that's what Olivia made her coat/vest out of. Look, Olivia does have a point though. Unfortunately if Whitney "doesn't get involved in the drama" there would be just one issue. There wouldn't really be "a show for Olivia to be on." Count your blessings, skank.


• Ugh. Catarina and Samantha (why do I know their names) are having lunch and talking about Adam not telling Catarina that he had a girlfriend. I'm not just saying this because I gave a "Who's the Boss" reference at the beginning of this, but I totally think that Catarina looks like Billy from Who's the Boss. Remember that kid that was in the second to last season that Tony and Angela had to take care of? Seriously, she does. And, I mean, she's having lunch with Samantha. "Samantha." As in "Micelli?" I think I may have cracked the code of The City. This damn show is loosely based off of Who's the Boss! It's all making sense to me now.


• Whitney Speech Impediment Alert: Whitney is getting ready for the art show and tells Erin "I've never really been to an art openinK before!" Ding! Ding! Ding! There's the Whit we've all come to know and love! She's back! By the way, it doesn't look like clothes hanging in Whitney's closet, it looks like furniture pattern samples.


• Well, it's Art Gallery night and all the freaks have come out of the woodwork. Sure I'm judging based on looks alone, but I'm not sure how else to judge people. Whitney continues her tribute to Cheri Johnson and wears a silver headband/dog collar around her forehead. I wish Whitney would get locked in a refrigerator just like Cheri did.


• "Operation Allie Cat" is about to go down. Strap on your scripted buckles because it's going to be a scripted bumpy scripted ride. Script. At one point Whitney and Allie are standing directly behind Catarina and Samantha. It's not like Catarina doesn't know that they're standing right behind them. I mean Whitney looks like she's dressed like a Super Hero....there's no way you don't notice that.


• Oh good, as Operation Allie Cat progresses Whitney is just standing there with her head completely down. Look up, Whitney! Come on, you always watch a train-wreck taking place. Always!
  
• Cat does confess to Allie that she and Adam did kiss and he never told her he had a girlfriend. Allie looks like she's having an out-of-body experience, which makes sense because she does look a little alien like....so that explains a lot. Anycrap, Allie tells Cat to look her in the eyes and tell her "female to female" that this really happened. Hmmm, eye to eye? Hmmm female to female? Sounds like someone is about to play some lesbian reindeer games! Sweeeet!


• Allie allows one tear to trickle down her face. She's nothing like Lauren Conrad, who lets the whole kitchen sink drain from her eyes along with about 6 pounds of makeup. I miss that sludge all over her face. Ahhhh.


• Somehow Catarina makes this all about her and says she doesn't feel well and then is crying. Why the hell is she crying? Oh wait. Is it because she looks like a home-wrecking-whore on national television? Or the fact that from a side-profile shot she has a little bucky-beaver teeth sticking out....and she kinda looks like Billy from "Who's the Boss?" These are all normal questions that you should be processing whilst you watch this show. It's all normal to think these things. I am not crazy at all. At all. At. All.


• Allie locks herself in the bathroom and Whitney and her Super Hero outfit follow her in. Adam goes in behind her to tell Allie that Cat is lying. This is one of the first 15 times that we hear Allie reference "female to female." Is this all drunk talk? I hope so.


• The fight continues onto the street and this time Allie changes out "female to female" to "man to man." Hold up. I'm getting confused. Allie asks Adam how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he says he would feel the same way....to which Allie starts yelling and crying "You'd feel the same way? You'd feel the same way? What do you mean you'd feel the same way?" Seriously, is someone smelling burnt toast because I think Allie is having a stroke. She then continues by saying, "So you mean you could 'imagine' feeling the same way...is that what you're saying?" What the Christ is she talking about? This argument is turning into a grammar lesson. And I'm lost. No surprise there.
  
• I think Allie is a broken hearted girl. I say that because I believe Beyonce is singing that as Allie is getting into the cab. Personally, I would have chosen them to play "Smack My Bitch Up" but that's just me. Maybe you'd have a different song selection preference.
  
• Meanwhile, Olivia and Nevan are chatting like school girls about the night and the people that were at the art gallery. Listening to these two talk to each other is like watching the mother and daughter from the Gilmore Girls have dialogue. It's so quick back and forth...and pointless.
  
• Whitney is starting to play the creepy girlfriend. She and Ozzy Bobby are talking about whether they think Adam lied about hooking up with Catarina. Ozzy Bobby believes Adam and Whitney thinks that you are a reflection of your friends. I'm not sure if she really believes that or is just basically spewing out quotes from fortune cookies. I'm surprised she didn't end her conversation with Ozzy Bobby by saying, "Your lucky numbers are 2, 14, 24, 6,23."


• Finally, in conclusion, Allie and Adam smooth things over in an awkward way. More importantly we get to see Adam sporting a very shiny coat. Very shiny. Kinda like those plastic Halloween kids costumes that they sell on plastic hangers at Walgreens or CVS. I bet it came with a matching mask. I bet all of it stinks like Shrinky Dinks burning in the oven. Anyway, who cares. Fire both of them from this show. More Olivia! More Olivia! Just give Olivia her own show where she just roles her eyes the whole time. Seriously, I'd watch that. I' d watch 22 minutes of eye rolling. I basically do now.

Next week it's the return of Kelly CUNTrone! I can't wait! Me gusta Kelly big time!

So what did you guys think of this episode. Not horrible, right? I'm still obsessed with the cowbell in the opening credits. Also, The City just got picked up for a second season so I'm not going anywhere. You hear that!

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The City Recap: Bangs, Hats, and the Kiss Heard Around the World

Today, my dear Americans, there is change in the air. No, I'm not talking about the inauguration of Obama as President. I am, of course, talking about a the addition of "Allie" into the cast of The City. Hopefully she's only making a cameo because, after watching this crapisode, I may have to stop watching if she becomes a regular. Trust me, she ain't no Heather Locklear arriving to save an ailing Melrose Place.

Here's what slowly went down last night on The City:

• We get to meet Adam's girlfriend, Allie, whilst the troop is out at another restaurant/bar in NYC that is, yet again, candlelit. Stop trying to pull the wool over my loser eyes. Not every bar is lit up like that. The camera crew and producers totally have a dufflebag filled with Glade candles that they set up for each scene. I bet the whole place smells like nasty cinnamon apple pies. Anycrap, Allie is a model. I think. She looks like the low budget version of Mila Kunis. Oh, and she looks sleepy...like her eyes are about to shut at any moment. Kinda like mine are about to shut from watching this.


• Olivia and her d-bag cousin, Nevan, are visiting an art gallery and talking about him being a tool-bag-low-life-booze-hound-rent-paid-by-his-parents-fast-talking-loser. At least I think they're talking about that. I'm basically just watching Olivia and tuning out of the conversation. From what I can gather, Nevan's family has stopped paying his rent because he's not working and Olivia seems to think he'll get his rent paid for again if he gets a job. I tell ya, if this dude suddenly sprouted Santa pubes on his face I'd be convinced he was Spencer.


• It's boy's night out and Ozzy Bobby, Adam, and other randoms head out to a club in Chelsea to drink their faces off and talk to Whitney's "friends" that happen to be there. I'm confused. There are too many people in this show. Whatever happened to the good old days on The Hills when it was just like 5 people on the show and they only talked to each other?


• Whitney's "friends" go over to talk to Ozzy Bobby and d-bag Adam. That one chick, Catarina, looks like she's in heat and yells out to Adam, "Let's have fun!" That's code word for.....actually that's not code word. She's ready to ride. P.S that "club" looks like an epileptic nightmare.


• Holy hell! Are Whitney and Erin wearing a costume to breakfast the next morning? Maybe they think they're in a play. Erin has on Audrina's old blue beret hat from last season and white sunglasses that went out of style about 2 years ago. However, my favorite is the thing around Whitney's head. It looks like a gray knitted garter belt that Carnie Wilson used to wear around her leg. Perhaps Whitney bought it at a Carnie Wilson yardsale? We learn that Catarina, the pig in heat, made out with d-bag Adam. Boring. Plus, who cares.


• Like a game of horrific "telephone" that you used to play in the 2nd grade....Sam tells Whitney that Catarina made-out with Adam. Whitney tells Ozzy Bobby this information whilst sitting on a bench in the park. Ozzy Bobby tells Adam this as he sips on red wine (manly). I'm surprised by the time Ozzy Bobby told Adam he didn't end up with, "Whitney told me that you f'd a cat in the club last night. Meow."


• What does Adam do for work? He picks up Sleepy-Time-Allie from JFK in a Range Rover. And, someone emailed me telling me that he owns a bar? And he also models? Wait. Am I jealous of Adam? Wait a second. I think I am. Maybe that's why I call him a d-bag? Nah, he does seem douchey, but I totally want his car. Perhaps he'll give me free drinks at the bar he owns? Doubtful.


• Anyway, Adam tells Sleepy-Time-Allie about the "rumor" of him making out with some chick whilst she was out of town "modeling." She wonders what type of girl would make up something like that. I wonder how Sleepy-Time-Allie is a paid model. Also, I don't know what to think about the rumor. On one hand that chick, Catarina, did look like she was in heat. On the other hand....I actually don't care.


• Back to my love, my life, Olvia. Apparently Nevan will be crashing with her. Who cares. Olivia sets some ground rules for Nevan which includes, "No chicks ever wearing Olivia's clothes" and "No chicks in the apartment." Seriously, what girl is going over to Olivia's apartment and putting on her clothes? Maybe they should install a webcam so we can see that?


• Finally, this crap is almost over. Whitney, Sam, The Bangs Monster, and Sleepy-Time-Allie head out to a 14 second brunch to confront Sleepy-Time about "the party" the night before when Adam allegedly kissed Catarina-in-Heat. This is the worst. All of it. Who cares?


• Sleepy-Time calls up Adam, who walks over to the restaurant with a golf-umbrella, to "talk" about the 8 in the morning party. Sleepy-Time starts to cry and I'm wondering if she can drowned from this. What is the tears back up into her sleepy eyes? Adam wants to give Sleepy-Time the world so she doesn't cry. What does that even mean? Is the world for sale? Is it? How much? If the world is for sale, where are the receipts?


• The end.
  

Yowza folks, this was a rough one. I think I learned, however, that this series is basically about bangs and strange hats. They could technically change the name of the show from The City to "Bangs and Hats." Next week on Bangs and Hats....

If you like this recap, maybe you'll like my The Hills Recap or all things Kelly Cutrone like her new show Kell on Earth. Or for ever more brain rot check out all things Snooki from Jersey Shore and the rest of the d-bag gang with my Jersey Shore Recap. From Snooki punched to Harriet Carter product reviews and all other things celebrity gossip related, IBBB is your one stop shop to rot your brain. You're welcome!

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The City Recap: Whitney's 25 Second Lunch Date with Chris from Accounting Made Me Want to Turn in My US Citizenship

What perfect timing for the naked Whitney Port pictures to pop up on the Interwebsations! Before we get into the recap of The City lets discuss the fact that Whitney was being filmed in Miami going into the ocean with her microphone on and wires in her bikini. Next thing you know, Hurricane Kelly Cutrone hits shore and blew Whitney's top right off! What are the chances! Oh and "yes" these photos have been censored with the face of Lisa Love and Kelly Cutrone. You're welcome. On to the recap....

• We are lucky enough to meet Whitney's real boss, Diane Von Fartandburp, who looks like she could totally pass as the mother of Kelly CUNTrone. I'm going to request a DNA. Diane Von Fartandburp is a sexy little minx of a decrepit old woman...and I like it. Sure if she weren't dressed to the nines and I were to pass her on the street I'd probably throw some change into her cup. I'm totally kidding. I NEVER give money to the homeless.
• I've also decided that I'd like that cowbell at the beginning of the opening credits to be my own personal theme song. I don't mean the entire song, just the cowbell part. Like, I'll be walking into a meeting and I'd want the cowbell playing. Or, sometimes you know when you're just sitting on your couch and all of a sudden you feel like you're stomach is going to drop out of your body and you run to the can? Yeah, well I'd want the cowbell playing as I run to the bathroom. Moving on.
• There's a big Wonder Woman party at "the store" and Whitney has been tasked with installing the windows, I believe. She's probably going to need a glass cutter, a wrench, a drop cloth, protective goggles, and a ladder. Luckily, Olivia has been instructed to "help" Whitney with this task. Olivia, of course, is only shown making sad faces, eye rolls, and half-smiles-half-frowns....all at the same time. It's like her face has turrets. Although, I'd like to cure her face of this disease and by "cure her face" I really mean "do naughty boom boom to it."
• By the way, may I say that it is less believable that Olivia needs this crap paying job than Lauren Cockring working for Kelly CUNTrone's Pubic Revolution? I think the rule of thumb is that if you make more...or are worth more....than 5 years salary at your "reality show job" then that shouldn't be the job for you. Just volunteer at a soup kitchen or some shit.
• I couldn't be any less interested in "The Bang's Monster" and her "Long Term Canadian Boyfriend." Remember those two tools from the first season of The Hills? One was Heidi's boyfriend and the other tool was some freak who was in love with Audrina? Yeah, well hopefully The Bangs Monster goes by the way of those two d-bags and we never see her or hear from her again!
• Fast forward to the party at Diane Von Fartandburps. The party looks like a nightmare. Although I would pull up a metal folding chair and watch Olivia wave to people all day. In fact, I'm adding that to my "Things to Do" list for 2009.
• .....and enter Chris. Now who the hell is this Frankie Muniz looking mother f'er? So is he balding or not? I'm confused by his head. Also, he works in the Accounting Dept at Diane Von Fartandburp? Really? What dude is like "Yeah, I'm totally doing accounting for a fashion designer. Peace out Wall Street." This kid is suspect and I'm almost certain we'll see him in future episodes of "To Catch a Predator." Check your local listings.
• Chris gives one word answers to all the Teen Bop questions that Whitney's friend spews out at him. As Chris is leaving the shitstorm of a party he tells Whitney that they should do lunch sometime. He says it in the sort of way that a Level 3 Sex Offender says to the little kids walking to school, "You wanna pet my puppy?" Whitney should have immediately covered her vagina before she agreed to going to lunch. That should just be her rule of thumb.
• Their lunch date couldn't be any creepier. It could only get creepier if there were vampires serving the food and spiders crawling all over the table. We did get to experience a brilliant quote from Whitney in which she tells Chris that she doesn't have "the most friends in New York." Really Whitney? You don't? It's shocking that you don't have the most friends in New York. It's a good goal, though. You should aim to totally have the most friends in New York. Kill yourself. Scratch that. Kill me.
• Ugh this show is f'n killing me. Whitney and Ozzy Bobby head out to dinner and Ozzy mumbles that Whitney is trying to make him jealous since she's whoring it up with 2 other guys. Snooze.
• Later, Ozzy Bobby talks to that other d-bag (who shouldn't even be in the show) and tells him that he really wants to be with Whitney (and the show). These two "dudes" are having this conversation in an empty bar in Chelsea. Yeah, that's normal.
• Finally, Ozzy Bobby brings over some wine to Whitney's apartment and they both talk about how they've only had three relationships in their lives. Ozzy Bobby asks Whitney to be his girlfriend. At this moment I literally give my television the finger and realize that I will never get these 30 minutes back.
• P.S, Is anyone else uncomfortable watching Whitney kiss someone? I am. I'm very uncomfortable with it.
  
  

Ok, well that'll be all. What did you City loving sons-a-bitches think of this episode?

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