Hey That's My Olsen!

Hey, that's my Olsen! I'm not sure which Olsen this actually is, so I'm going to guess it's the secret triplet Olsen named "Shecky." Shecky Olsen attended The Cinema Society's Screening of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Boring. I think it's more interesting if Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was attending the "Michelle Tanner Finds Multiple Reasons to Not Sleep in Her Big Girl Bed Until Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey, and Danny Tanner Sing "Teddy Bear" to Her via Bad Elvis Impersonations" screening. Just me? Crickets?

To be honest, if I ever saw this Olsen at night in an alley I would just throw her my wallet and run the other way.

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Who in the Holy Hell Knocked Up My Little Olsen? Please Leave Me Your Name.

Sing along if you know the tune:

"My little Olsen, pregnant Olsen,
I love to brush your Tanner-like hair.

My little Olsen, knocked up Olsen,
I can't take you anywhere."

Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen is allegedly "with child." Have mercy! This is all according to the National Enquirer because the Olsen in question is said to have gained weight lately that has her tipping the scales at 102 pounds. I shit you not. That's really what they're basing this on. Couldn't she just be off the crack...not pregnant?


Oh Jesus. Papouli must be rolling over in his grave. Oppa!


Who Claims This Crap?

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The Olsen's Sign Copies of "I'm the Cute One" in New York City

Oh, no? That's not what they were signing? Well thank Jesus Claus I didn't end up calling in sick from work to go see The Olsen's because I almost considered it. My friend thankfully alerted me that both Olsen Sluts were going to hold a public signing at Barnes and Noble in NYC and I just assumed it was a signing of their old single, "I'm the Cute One," but it wasn't. They were signing copies of their new coffee table book, "Influence." How old are these two now? Are they signing with crayons?

Then to make matters worse, PETA was outside of the book signing not only protesting The Olsen Sluts, but they also kinda stole my nickname for them. See the picture below? Yeah, that's PETA calling them the Olsen Tramps. I've put a call into my lawyer to see if I have options.

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Michelle Tanner Got Her License?

Well will ya look at that! Michelle Tanner finally got her license. You totally know when she passed her driving exam her instructor let her know that she passed by saying, "You got it, dude" and then handing her her license. Michelle better realize that driving is a privilege and not a big joke just like her big sister DJ thought it was when DJ, Kimmy Gibbler, and Stephanie all got out of the car when it was at a stoplight and started running around it. Technically that's called a Chinese Fire Drill, but something makes me think that they didn't call it that on Full House. Anyhouse, the crew gets locked out of the car and Danny has to come and help them. Lesson learned. So Michelle Tanner better not pull that crap or she won't be sleeping in her big girl bed tonight. Moshi Moshi dude!

Moving on, an indistinguishable Olsen was spotted leaving Orso (the restaurant) in LA yesterday with her boooooooyfriend. Ohhhhhhhhhh! Woooooooooooooooo! (Full House audience reaction sounds).

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A Hitch-Hiking Gutter Olsen Slut

How come there's never a hitch-hiking gutter Olsen Slut on the side of the road when I'm driving by? Life is so unfair. I blame the terrorists, global warming, and the underground railroad for this. Anyhouse, an indistinguishable Olsen was sporting her best Danny Tanner button-down flannel shirt as she was leaving a Radiohead concert at the Hollywood Bowl in LA the other day.

Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen tried to quickly wave off the paparazzi in hopes that they'd mistake her for Wilson from Home Improvement. I don't think so, Tim.

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An Olsen Does Stuff, Like Walking, For Example

An indistinguishable Olsen was walking the streets of NYC with her friends over the weekend. It's was only about 80 degrees this weekend in the Big Orange, so it clearly makes sense the Olsen in question was wearing black boots and a flannel shirt wrapped around her Tanner-like waist. Supposedly the dude to the left of said Olsen is supposed to be her boyfriend. I'm not convinced. I'm pretty sure that dude in the flannel shirt and 4th of July hat is actually Samantha Ronson.

Seriously don't mess with this crew. If I was walking down the street and saw them I would very politely ask them why they were dressed like f'ing a-holes. That's ok, right?

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Wait, There Really are 2 Olsen's?

Stop the f'n press. There really are 2 Olsen's? I always assumed it was like the Michael/Janet Jackson thing. I guess I just assumed there was 1 Olsen who played the role of 2. Hmm. Interesting. Anyway, the above photo is from the Olsen Sluts new book called, Influence, which will be available to buy on October 28th. Clearly, this makes a great Halloween gift. This book will take a look at private Olsen moments from their collection, as well as people who have influenced them, and what has shaped them into what they are today. I'd say what shaped them into what they are today would be 2 things. 1. Money 2. Kimmy Gibbler. Someone, for the love of God bring back Kimmy Gibbler. Let's think about it for a second. DJ Tanner has been making her rounds lately. Stephanie Tanner just had her baby and will be in a new movie. Aunt Becky is going to be on the new 90210. Uncle Jesse has had about 15 failing TV shows. Danny Tanner did that penguin movie. Uncle Joey was on Surreal Life. Everyone has been doing something. Why not Kimmy? I'm going to start a movement to bring back Kimmy. I mean, if it requires me to get off my couch I'm not going to do it, but if I can do it from my couch I'm all in.

Oh yeah go buy the Olsen Sluts book on October 28th....and then record yourself reading it and then send me that tape because I can't read, but I can listen.

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