The "B Team" of The Hills Has a Reunion!

I don't want to oversell this, but....JACKPOT! Remember Brian and Jordan from the first season of The Hills? One of them played the boyfriend of Heidi and the other played the kid who was chasing after Oddrina.

(Insert sarcastic overtone) I'm sure these dudes are kicking themselves for not sticking with those two prizes. Just think, fella's, today you two could be Justin Bobby and Spencer Pratt.

Anyscript, those two dudes and LC's ex-boyfriend/ex-Laguna Beach cast member, Jason Wahler, were all bloated smiles as they attended the premiere of "2 Dudes and a Dream" in LA the other night.

While Kristin Cavallari was not ever in The Hills, she was in Lagina Creek and also attended this event....and I sweat Kristin so I decided to add her photo too.

If you like The Hills recap check out all that is Jersey Shore, the new show by MTV, that features characters like Snooki, The Situation, Jenni JWoww and more! I know I'm dumber for writing it, so you should be dumber for reading the Jersey Shore Recaps!

Or You may also like seeing Snooki on SNL Weekend Update (Saturdat Night Live)

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"Oregon Trail" Predicts How "The Hills" Cast Will Die

Walk with me, my friends, as IBBB mixes two of his favorite things in life: The Hills and Oregon Trail. If you're like me, you've always wondered what horrible diseases the cast from The Hills would die from and, well, I'm here to provide you those answers. So, get your oxen ready, buy some boxes of bullets, store the extra wagon wheels, and buy a few extra sets of clothes because it's gonna be a bumpy ride up to The Oregon Trail. Yeeee Haw!


~ As the wagon leader, IBBB invited some of his favorite Hills cast members along for an all expense paid trip. Saddle up Audrina! Pack your chin, Heidi! Bring your beard bleach, Spencer. And do whatever it is you do, Lauren because we are just about ready to shove off!

~ IBBB, of course, chose to be the "banker from Boston." I didn't buy too many sets of clothes because I was hoping that Audrina will eventually become "exhausted" whilst on the trail and perhaps show her rack and/or "gentlemen greeter." We may need those things easily accessible in case some robbers try to steal our crap when we're broken down on the side of the dirt road.



~ This is going to be a great journey! It'll be the same as when LC left Laguna Beach and traveled on her "big dangerous adventure" to Los Angeles. The rest is still unwritten.....

~ Honestly, we're not even 2 full days into the trip and Heidi already has typhoid. She is such a drag (queen). We brought her to a nearby doctor and their opinion is that her chest and/or chin is about to explode due to "being a whore." Hey, it's the year 1848. What doctors have ever heard of "breast implants" or "chin removers?" We've asked Heidi to sing some of her magical songs to help lift her own spirits. This may cause sickness for others in the wagon, but we're not ready to lose Heidi yet.

~ What luck! We're already out of food, but come across some "wild fruit." We had no clue that Brody and Frankie would gracing us with their presence! What a treat.

~ Here we go again! Audrina is an f'n mess. She's been diagnosed with "exhaustion" but we tried to inform the doctors that she always looks like this. She tends to look up at the ceiling which makes her look sleepy. With all the "performing" that Heidi's been doing in the wagon we're not sure how much more Audrina can take.

~ Audrina could only take about a week of Heidi's performance of "Higher" before she went into the light. Audrina passed away on June 19th. We did allow, however, one of the oxen to make sweet, sweet love to Audrina after she was pronounced dead. It's the "circle of life" people. Get over it. We have removed Audrina's beaver teeth (I said teeth...we left her actual beaver in tact) and are using them to help dig us out of the mud when we get stuck trying to cross the deeper rivers. It comes in handy for that....and to help remove many of Spencer's Santa Pubes from his beard. Audrina was a real giver until the very end. R.I.P Teef.

~ Ugh. Everyone is sick and hungry. These guys are the f'n worst. I head out of the wagon for a little hunting session and bag me a buffalo. I've now provided us 100 pounds of meat. It's strange because I'm convinced these chicks have eating disorders, yet we never have any food. As a sidenote, I dragged Audrina's toothless body into the forest to try and lure out the buffalo. It worked. I then allowed the buffalo to make sweet, sweet love to Audrina. Looks like she bagged herself a buffalo husband. I left her in the woods.

~ It's insanely hot out and LC got herself a case of Cholera. None of us know what that is but we assume it's like herpes. We all sit about a campfire and tell stories of the days when LC used to date J Wahl. We should've invited him. Next time, maybe.

~ LC fought off her herpes-like virus for almost 10 days, but decided to visit Jesus instead of Oregon. As we tossed her in a shallow grave, we added "She'll Always Be Known As the Girl Who Didn't Go to Oregon" on her tombstone. It just seemed fitting.

~ Not one to let LC control things, Spencer died shortly thereafter but was never sick up until this point, which was strange. We suspect he wanted to follow LC into hell (which is where she ended up). We skinned off Spencer's "Santa Pubes" beard and made a very 1848 stylish hat for Heidi.

~ Just when things seemed like they hit rock bottom, we lucked out a bit. You see, "Indian's" helped us find some food, which was great! It was also very ironic because The Hills seldom allows other nationalities to make it onto their show. This is probably only why it "says" that Indian's helped us, yet we didn't actually "see" them. Regardless, the food they found us gave Heidi the shits.

~ I decided to head out hunting again, but it was just basically to get away from Heidi. Dear God that bitch is annoying. There weren't any animals roaming around the forest so I took out Audrina's teeth and had a 20 minute conversation about the awkwardness that we all felt when she was still alive and trying to become friends with Heidi again, even though LC was sitting right there in the wagon next to her. This conversation made me feel good. I swear I thought I saw those damn teeth smile back.

~ Heidi isn't doing too good, you guys. She is f'n exhausted! Heidi's realized how hard it is to lip-sync to her music video, chase seagulls around, AND hold the video camera and boom box all whilst flailing her arms. It took a lot out of her and she realized just how much Spencer helped her that day on the beach as he filmed her video for "Higher."

~ I tried to convince Heidi that the drink I was giving her was tequila. She drank it down and started calling me "Jose." We both smiled at each other, but what Heidi didn't know was that I didn't give her the tequila that she normally liked to drink on various episodes of The Hills, but it was just "bad water" instead. Similar to the episodes, Heidi did start saying every stereotypical Spanish thing she could think of. She assumed she was drunk. She wasn't. I guess she was just racist. Heidi died on August 21, 1848. I sprinkled her new boobs, new chin, new weave, new lips, new nose, and new fake tan all across the glorious Mississippi River. It was touching. I was, however, a little relieved to be away from the cast. God works in mysterious ways.

~ Well, it's just me in this funky smelling wagon. A thief came in the middle of the night and stole 9 of my oxen. It was dark and I could only make out a little bit of what the thief looked like, but it had shoulder length stringy black hair, white pasty skin, tired looking eyes, and some jacked up teeth. I'm almost certain it was Kelly Cutone who robbed my wagon. She may have robbed my wagon, but she rocked my world.

~ Ugh. Is everyone else this hot or is it just me? Am I hearing things? Now why am I freezing? Damn it. I bet I have a fever. I ask my one remaining oxen to see if I have a fever and he just kicks me in my junk.

~ Well, it got worse you guys. It looks like I didn't die from the fever, but from "Inadequate Grass." I didn't know you could die from lack of pot, but apparently you can. Oh well.

~ In my final resting place I got to decorate my own tombstone. Jesus Claus and the makers of Oregon Trail are good like that. I had a wonderful trip with all my Hills friends. There was no doubt in my mind that I would, of course, outlive them all. All of us are in a meeting right now with Jesus (who strangely enough is 100% Irish) and we're asking him if he knows why he programmed Whitney's brain to add the letter "K" to words that really end with a letter "G." He said he was thinkinK about it and would get back to us. Drat.

Well that wraps that up. Hope you enjoyed it because if you did you may like the Jersey Shore recap or all things Jersey Shore. Maybe not. Feel free to check out The Hills recap or The City recap while you're there.

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The Hills Season Finale Preview. Yeah That's Right, I'm Posting It.

It must be me just getting a little nostalgic that The Hills is coming to an end so I feel the need to cram in all things "Hills" related before the season finale. Hopefully you will all stick with me even whilst The Hills is off the air, but mostly because you know I'll be recapping the piss out of The City. See? You're all trapped like rats now!

Anyfinale, enjoy the season finale preview and watch Darlene Montag show her horse-life qualities. Enjoy Lauren looking like she's about to pass out when she touches/hugs Heidi. Be there for the court-house drama that you know will go down when Heidi and Steve Sanders make their marriage legal. Personally, I'm hoping that Heidi's horse from Crested Butte storm into the court-house and puts a stop to this marriage. Finally, enjoy Audrina riding into the sunset with Justin Bobby and her helmet, that I sorta think she should wear full time.

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Stephanie Pratt Does Her Paparazzi Tour of Robertson Boulevard

Stephanie Pratt, and her Martha Washington hairdo, walked up and down the very quiet and secretive Robertson Boulevard in LA the other day to do a little low-key shopping. What a true surprise that the paparazzi were there to take her picture. Very unexpected.

Stephanie shopped in American Apparel (which is a store that sells about 2 shirts in 400 different colors) and Kitson (for some overpriced crap that teen-girls think is high-end clothing). You totally know that she'll be back tomorrow to return all that crap that she can't afford.

Ahhh how The Hills has made her more financially stable. Gone, for now, are the days of doing meth, drinking a 40, and shoplifting batteries at K-Mart. All of this is alleged, of course.

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The Hills is Giving Out Spinoffs Like Oprah Gives Away Cars. Kelly CUNTrone Gets Her Own Show!

Ok so it may not be an official spinoff, but I don't care, it will always be a Hills spinoff to me. (Insert best Oprah impersonation, which I do a mean one..by the way) Everybody gets a spinofffffffff! You get a spinoff and you get a spinoff and you get a spinoff and you get a spinoff. Everybody gets a spinoff!!!

After being a complete mess/success on The Hills, Kelly CUNTrone has told the sunny New York Post that she's working on a show with the producers of Project Runway that will showcase the nitty-gritty side of the fashion business. And to quote that beautiful beast of a woman, "Think of it as 'The Wizard of Oz' meets Stephen King meets Rhoda."

So, uh that's the pitch? That's, uh, the one that you, uh, are really, uh, are going to, uh, go with? Uh, really? Hmm. Ok. It makes sense, I guess. But if we're going to just open the dictionary, blindly choose words, and then use those words to help pitch a show I have an idea too. How 'bout this for a Hills spinoff:

Nana Pratt plans out all the details of her death, including buying her plot, updating her will, and interviewing limo drivers. It's sorta like 'The Nanny' meets 'Supermarket Sweep' meets '$25,000 Pyramid' crosses 'Good Morning Miss Bliss.'

Any takers?

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Source It Up!

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It's Voting Day! Make a Difference in What Really Matters...

Today, as you know, is a very important day in our lives. It's a day we vote. It's the day we vote for Heidi Montag's fakest feature! Uh, what did you think I was talking about?

So is it her boobs? Her nose? Her lips? I mean, really, the sky is the limit! So take a second and make your voice heard and vote! Think of it this way....what if you think that Heidi's boobs are the fakest, but you don't vote and then other people vote that her nose is the fakest? How would you feel then?

Proceed...

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

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Looks Like Someone Shared Her Teeth Whitening Kit!

Halloween may be over, but that doesn't mean that our favorite skank-bags from The Hills can't share their creative costumes and minds with us. Lauren clearly borrowed Audrina's teeth whitening kit so that she could come alive in her festive flapper costume. However, all the Halloween makeup in the world can't seem to hide my favorite three lines underneath each of her eyes.

Next up, Audrina showed off her Halloween rack with a scary peacock outfit. My guess was close though, as I assumed Audrina would have dressed up as a cockpig. Cockpig...peacock....same thing. Has this peacock been run over on and left for dead on the side of the highway because she looks like death warmed over to me!

Finally we have LOser. LOser really outdid herself by dressing as Little Inbred Riding Hood. Hopefully her night ended with a Goldie Locks and the Big Bad Wolf threesome. And then was killed.

Happy belated Hillsoween!

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The Hills According to Me and The Hills the Lost Scenes

Thanks to all you trash bags out there for the crapload of emails asking me about The Hills Lost Scenes and "The Hills According to Me."

I loved The Hills Lost Scenes because I hadn't realized just how fake the show has become. They used to have real conversations way back in the day and Heidi looked like she rolled out of bed in 9 out of 10 scenes. Brilliant. Perhaps the highlight of the entire episode was when Audrina farted on the couch. I was not surprised by this as I typically imagine Audrina bobbing for apples in her toilet.

Let me also say that I LOVED "The Hills According to Me. Seriously, brilliant. Many of you emailed me to say how similar many of the jokes were on that show and right here at good old IBBB. Look, I'd never ever claim that someone ripped me off....ever.....but some of the similarities were a little insane. I've had nothing to do with that show at all, although writing the recaps and jokes for the past 2 years made me feel a part of it. Either way, it was hysterical to watch and I'd love to be involved in future episodes. Ahem.

Since I'm about 6 days late with this one, let's use the comments on this blog post and share with me your favorite scenes. You know, or don't. Whatever is easier for you all....or y'all.

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Are Lauren and Heidi Friends Again? Check the Script.

The Hills Recaps! Click Here!

Check Out Past Hills Recaps Here!

If you don't want to know if Lauren and Heidi and her new chin, new nose, new boobs, and new lips are friends again don't continue reading. IBBB could just be tricking you. Perhaps Lauren is only friends with Heidi's new lips and not Heidi herself. Spoiler alert may be ahead....and it may not be ahead.

According to Us Weekly, who seems to blow The Hills on a daily basis, they are reporting today that Lauren and Heidi may have reconciled and become friends again. You see, Lauren was at STK restaurant in LA last night celebrating her runway show with family and friends for LA fashion week. At the same time, through the absolute grace of Jesus Claus and Santa Christ Heidi and Steve Sanders were at STK too. Imagine the likelihood of that?!


Heidi spotted Lauren (she probably noticed all the lines under Lauren's eyes as a way to identify her) and asked someone if she could congratulate Lauren on her tacky clothing line.


Lauren and Heidi (and her chin) then had a brief heart-to-heart and then were seen hugging. Personally, I think it was just Lauren's attempt to try and pop Heidi's new boobs, but that's just my theory.


Later, Heidi and Steve Sanders left STK probably so that Steve Sanders could brush his Santa pubes back on the set of The Hills.

Looks like that very well-written letter by Heidi may have paid off!

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Spoiler Alert: Everything is F'n Staged.

Spoiler Alert! If you don't want to know anything that happens in future crapisodes of The Hills do not look at this picture of Lauren walking up the street with her ex-boyfriend Jason. I repeat, do not look at the picture of Lauren wearing a checkered lumberjack/Lindsay Lohan flannel shirt and her ex-boyfriend, Jason Wahler, walking directly next to her whilst on his cellular phone. Don't look at it!

J Wahl told someone who would listen about a month ago that he was "in talks" to film a few scenes for an upcoming episode of The Hills. Hopefully they're filming the scene where Jason gets drunk and cold-cocks LC right in her dark mustache. What the hell is up with that thing, by the way? In the latest episode it looked like she was starting to grow a full on goatee. Eh, I wouldn't toss her out of bed for getting animal cracker crumbs on the sheets.

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No Fair! I Want to Have Myspace Fights With Lauren and Audrina!

I would just like to say that one of the best decisions I ever made was to buy the domain http://www.justinbobby.com/ a while ago when J Bob first made an appearance on The Hills. The $10.00 investment was clearly worth it as J Bob never seems to be out of The Hills spotlight.

Moving on, by now you know that Lauren and Audrina are fighting via their Myspace pages over an alleged rumor that Steve Sanders allegedly told Perez Hilton that LC hooked up with Justin Bobby. Brilliant. Lauren then wrote on her Myspace page all this crap about how that was not true and she even threw in some jokes about J Bob being dirty, not showered, etc. Audrina then figured out how to type and took to her Myspace page to say that she doesn't know what to believe. Obviously this set off LC and now the two are supposedly not talking at all.

Now, I'm not sure if Lauren and Audrina actually know that they're in their 20's and fighting over Myspace. Do they know this? Maybe they forgot they were in their 20's and thought they were passing notes back and forth to each other in homeroom.

I, for one, am calling bullshit on this entire story(line) as (1) it's retarded (2) Perez is involved (3) The Hills really took off when the first LC rumor hit the Interweb and with ratings for The Hills down greatly from last season a fake rumor is just what they need to bring ratings back up and (4) I want to have a Myspace fight with Audrina and Lauren.

The photos above are of Heidi and Audrina having some coffee while shooting new scenes for The Hills. I bet those cups are empty....and I'm not talking about the one on the table.

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You Know What? I Don't Want to See the Slaughtered Cow on the Wall, Why Would I Want to See This?

Unless this is their obituary photo, I don't want to see it. Heidi and Steve Sanders, from The Hills, are now hanging from the wall at Wolfgang Puck's restaurant, "Cut." It's not as promising as it sounds. Their pictures are hanging there, not them themselves. Ugh. Better luck next time. Seriously the last thing I would want to see as I'm stuffing my fat face is Heidi's chin looking at me or Steve Sanders creepy wife-beater eyes watching my every move. I am, however, pleasantly surprised that Heidi has almost completed her transformation into a cartoon duck. So that's the upside.

Correct me if I'm wrong (no, don't) but I believe it was one of Wolfgang Puck's restaurants that exposed a bunch of celebrities to Hep A. Yes? No? The answer is "yes." Mmmmm Heidi and Steve Sanders on the wall AND a shot at getting Hep A? When's my reservation!?

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So Who Saw That "Hills" Recap 16 Times Over the Weekend?

Anyone see that Top 10 Hills Moments on MTV over the weekend? Obviously it's not scenes that we haven't seen 15 times, but this time around they had some people commentating on the episodes. This is what I would like to talk about.

Seriously? Where did they get some of these people and why were some of these people asked to give their comments on The Hills? Some made sense, like Perez Hilton. Even the girls from Runs House kinda made sense because they're on MTV. However, it then took a sharp left turn after that. They had Britney Gastineu talking about her thoughts on The Hills. Really? What in holy hell does she have to do with it? Thanks for your time, Britney, now continue on in your journey of being a 3rd rate Kim Kardashian. Next up they had the girl who played the red-headed daughter on "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter." No joke, at one point she looked like she started to tear up when Whitey fell down the stairs on Good Morning America. Really? Maybe if she had John Ritter with her then she would see more interesting. Then for the most random one yet, they had the girl who played the daughter on the TV show "My Wife and Kids" with Damon Wayans. Perhaps this was MTVs way of trying to finally have someone black connected to The Hills. I mean, you don't get blacker than Brody Jenner, but still, you need some representation.

Seriously, I think there should be a behind-the-scenes of how they cast these people. It would have been just as relevant to have homeless people without teeth throwing in their two cents on The Hills. Fine, I'm a little bitter that I was never asked, but still, these people were r-a-n-d-o-m!

Oh, and these pictures of Audrina are from this weekend where she was at the Treasure Island Hotel and Casino in Vegas. Ahoy matey! Them there are some dead eyes and ye big ole' rack. Arrrrrr!

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LC and LOser Do Something, Technically.

I'm not so good with words. What's the definition of "irony?" Is that the same as "ironic?" I believe so. Anyhills, Lauren Cockring and LOser Bosworthless were at the "Do Something Awards" which are a pre-party to the Teen Choice Awards. If, like me, you're wondering what any of those things are, you're old.

Lauren was wearing one of those whiteish business outfits that Heather Locklear used to wear on Melrose Place. Perfect! I'm am not envisioning LC walking into my office and knocking all the stuff off my desk. But then she'll start talking and it will totally kill the mood. LOser, on the other hand, was wearing the bottom half of one of Mrs Roper's caftans. While crouched down, LOser looks like a peacock ready to take a hot steamy dump on the red carpet. In positive LOser feedback, she does look like she's lost some weight. So hopefully she has some form of an eating disorder or maybe she's hooked on meth or something. Fingers crossed.

As a sidenote, only 15 more sleeps until the new season of The Hills starts! August 18th you rat bastards!

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Operation Sellout: IBBB is Part of The Hills Q&A Over at MTV

Ah kids. As I promised in last weeks post of finding new ways to sellout in year 3 of IBBB I have not disappointed. Well, maybe a little. Yours truly (that would be me) has left my footprint on The Hills. IBBB was contacted by the MTV blog to answer some questions in my typical jackass fashion on past Hills crapisodes. And as quickly as Lisa Loveless can comb her stringy hair, I jumped on the opportunity.

Please note, that there were 3 people who contributed to this. 1. A writer from Spin Magazine. 2. A writer from NY Magazine. 3. IBBB. That's right Mo' Fo's I was good enough. You know those other two writers are pissed I was included. Traded down for them! I will now sit back patiently and wait for the offers to pour in. I will push Best Week Ever to the top of the list. Followed by Chelsea Handler/Chelsea Lately. Followed by probably being knighted by the Queen. Crickets. Crickets. Crickets.

So, be sure to check out The MTV Blog by clicking here and show your love for their site and for my brilliant comments. There will be 3 more crapisodes in the next 3 weeks which I've provided my insight to. Stay tuned.

Thanks MTV. You're Greeeeeeeat!*

*Your're Greeeeeeeat has no affiliation with Tony the Tiger.

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