Michelle Tanner Got Her License?

Well will ya look at that! Michelle Tanner finally got her license. You totally know when she passed her driving exam her instructor let her know that she passed by saying, "You got it, dude" and then handing her her license. Michelle better realize that driving is a privilege and not a big joke just like her big sister DJ thought it was when DJ, Kimmy Gibbler, and Stephanie all got out of the car when it was at a stoplight and started running around it. Technically that's called a Chinese Fire Drill, but something makes me think that they didn't call it that on Full House. Anyhouse, the crew gets locked out of the car and Danny has to come and help them. Lesson learned. So Michelle Tanner better not pull that crap or she won't be sleeping in her big girl bed tonight. Moshi Moshi dude!

Moving on, an indistinguishable Olsen was spotted leaving Orso (the restaurant) in LA yesterday with her boooooooyfriend. Ohhhhhhhhhh! Woooooooooooooooo! (Full House audience reaction sounds).

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: My Privates Need a Breeze

Feliz Harriet Carter Wednesday! That might mean Merry Harriet Carter Wednesday. One can't be sure. I mean, I'm not a magician. Anycrap, this week Harriet cools down Mr Winky whilst I sleep, lets grandma know that her little granddaughter is pissed at her, and lights up your life with rabies. Let's go!Product # 1 - Just because we're in the middle of Autumn doesn't mean that your dingle-berry or your vaginastein isn't going to be hot under those covers. Well now you don't have to toss and turn all night long with swamp balls or pond pussy, thanks to this fan that you install on the foot of your bed and blows a nice cool breeze right up to your perverted privates. Be careful to sleep with your legs partially closed or your sex parts may catch cold. Have you ever seen a vagina sneeze? It ain't pretty. Lucky for this lively woman in the photo, the white arrows let her know just exactly where the wind is going to go. It starts at her feet, travels up her mannequin body, and finally ends up bouncing off of her brown wig, and into the blue sky that (for some reason) happens to be at her headboard. Make sure you don't turn that fan on high or your bed will end up just like this ladies bed....floating in the sky. And what a real dish she is! Just look at the way she lets her moustache grow without any hesitation. Oooh la la! They just grow 'em different in France. Is it any wonder she's sleeping alone? Thanks, Harriet, for inventing the very first ice box.
Product # 2 - Well. Will ya look at that spoiled little brat in the picture frame. What's up her Bindi Irwin lovin' ass? The poor little boy just wants to wish Grandma a very happy birthday and his little d-bag sister has a big puss on her face. Look at that smirk. It speaks volumes. You know she's thinking, "Thanks Grandma for the big $5.00 you gave me for Christmas last year. Oh, and thanks for humiliating me in front of my friends at my last sleepover when you had to have that heart attack and fall on the ground. You're the worst, Grandma. P.S Your funeral better not be during American Idol or I'm....not....going!" And where is this photo taking place? Are they on a bus? Hopefully their parents are dropping them off at one of those "Safe Havens" where, as parents, you can give your kids up and not face jail time. I mean, what ever happened to the good old days when you've leave your kids in a picnic basket on the front steps of your local church? Ugh, the Internet has ruined everything. Anyway, you can leave a wonderful message for Grandma with your own voice like "Happy Birthday Grandma!" However, I suggest leaving more helpful messages like, "Grandma, don't give your social security number to the emails you get from Liberian nationals who promise to send you $66 million dollars." Or, "Grandma, again, Knots Landing has been off the air for 2 decades." Or perhaps my personal favorite, "Grandma, update us in your Will...you looked a little pasty the last time we saw you and college is going to be expensive for us and I don't want student loans!"

Product # 3 - If you're like me you love to have the absolute piss scared out of you in the middle of the night when you're on the way to the bathroom. Well, nothing says "skids marks in your underpants" quite like this rabies infested nightlight. Seriously, who loves squirrels this much? If I was walking up the hallway at night and saw a squirrel "sitting" in the wall I'd shoot it with my slingshot. The good news is that I carry a slingshot around with me everywhere I go. I'm like a modern day Dennis the Menace. The squirrel nightlight is just a start when frightening people however. Kick it up a notch by plugging an Al Qaeda terrorist into the wall (perhaps Osama Bin Laden) or, better yet, perhaps a Hitler light. Don't worry about monsters in your closet, kids, because you'll be lucky to make it to the bathroom alive thanks to Harriet Carter!


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Can You Guess What My Question Would Be?

Ross! Ross! David? David Schwimmer! Are the Friends really friends? Never old, my friends. It. Never. Gets. Old.

David Schwimmer looks like Ross with a cold at the Labyrinth Theater Company's 6th Annual Gala Benefit. Why are the names of these things so long? You don't really hear about Ross that much any more. I wonder if he's still with Rachel? I hear she's pregnant with John Mayer's baby. Does that make the unborn baby and Emma half-sisters? What about Ben? Sometimes I get confused with reality and the actual show Friends. What's real and what isn't? Eh, who cares?! Just as long as the Friends are really friends, that's all that matters.

Gas prices and Sarah Palin's eyeglasses. That'll be all. Oh, and energy policy. That's all.

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Then Along Comes Debbie Downer! Wah Waaah.

Rachel Dratch cracks me the F up. Debbie Downer was dressed to the nines at the LAByrinth Theater Company's 6th Annual Gala Benefit that was held in Terminal 5 in New York City the other day. She was all 80's out and definitely stole the attention while on the concrete carpet.

Why doesn't Rachel Dratch get more work? She's a riot. She should work more. So many people that have left SNL get the shaft.

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Well Now This is Ironic

Star Jones was all creepy facial expressions while she attended the New York: City Harvest's Bid Against Hunger Benefit. I shit you not. Had Nell Carter been alive, she would have attended as well.

This event took place at the Metropolitan Pavilion last night in NYC.....but who really gives a crap about that part. Certainly not me. I miss the old Star Jones. She seemed happier. I mean she was about 1 Pizzone away from meeting Jesus Claus, but still she seemed more content.

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Hey It's T-Boz!

Hey it's T-Boz! T-Boz was snapped up leaving her hotel in New York City yesterday. Hey, it's T-Boz! That's all.

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Don't Drop a Deuce in Shannen Doherty's Toilet

According to one of the most random articles I've ever read, Shannen Doherty is a huge germaphobe who doesn't want you to use her bathroom if you plan on visiting her house. This doesn't effect me as much as I typically hide in the bushes in front of Shannen's house and go to the bathroom in those same bushes.


Shannen is so crazed over nobody using her own personal bathroom that she has four guest bathrooms scattered all around the Walsh house. When a friend of hers was caught using her personal bathroom she went in, grabbed him by the arm, and dragged him out mid piss. She's a pleasure.

So folks, the moral of this pointless story is that if you are ever for some reason invited to Shannen Doherty's house don't ever use her bathroom. Ever. You totally know that Jim and Cindy Walsh are probably handcuffed to the toilet in that bathroom.


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