All hail! Blessed Mother Kelly CUNTrone is back to save and bless The City! Now I know I've tee'd off on Kelly ever since The Hills, but the truth is I love her. Oh, and she is clearly the most talented person on The City....or just in life in general. Plus, I bet she'd wanna bump sewing machines with Olivia and by that I mean have sex. Was that not clear? Here's what went down last night on The City (cow-bell, cow-bell, cow-bell, cow-bell):
- The crapisode starts with all the girls having a little lunch. There's one girl sitting there in which I have no clue who it is, although she looks familiar. I soon realize it's actually Erin, whose pinned back her bangs and painted on some whore-red lipstick. I never realized Erin was suffering from the horrible disease, AULS (Audrina Upper Lip Syndrome).
- Poor (not financially) Erin is looking for a job and Allie's agency is looking to hire people with no experience, but apparently who can smile and talk to people. I'm sorry sweetie, but we're in a recession and most companies have let go of about 5,000 employees in the past month.....good to hear your company is hiring people without experience. Trash bag.
- Erin quickly scores an interview at Allie's model agency, "One Management," with President Scott Lipps. Is it ironic that Scott Lipps is actually missing his lips? Erin is also sorta missing her upper lip. This is a match made in scripted City heaven!
- Erin's interview skills are top notch! She let's Scott Lippsless know that she's be "unofficially styling" for a long time. Yeah, that's code word for "I dress myself and make fun of the way other people dress when I'm standing at the bar, drunk, judging everyone else in order to make myself feel better."
- Well apparently that's all it takes because Erin scored the job, instantly. Erin's job is a Production Coordinator, which is the next step up from an assistant. Look, neither of those jobs is a bad thing and everyone needs to start somewhere, but they are certainly not paying the kinds of salaries that are allowing Erin to live in her Gramercy apartment. Geesh! Save the jobs for the people who really need them, whoreface!
- Moving on to more important things, it's Kelly CUNTrone's birthday party! I love it! What, is she like 75 or something? I love me some Kelly. Whitney is fillinK all the girls in on how honest Kelly is about everything. Allie, the walking corpse of the group, is acting all cocky like she's not afraid of Kelly. Oh we'll see Allie. We'll see. Oh, and it is just me or does anyone else feel like you'd only be able to talk to Allie via a Ouija board?
- So is Kelly wasted? She kinda looks it? When she walks up to Whitney's table and hugs her it looks like she's hanging on to Whitney for dear life. Awesome! I'm also loving how Kelly is dressed like Uncle Jesse, from Full House, when he was doing a "Jesse and the Rippers" concert. Brilliant.
- Gutsy Allie tries to get Kelly to tell her what she thinks of her outfit and Kelly jumps back with a "I get paid money to talk about things like that." I felt like giving a z-snap when I heard her say it.
- Moments later Kelly is asking Allie if she's ok because she seems so skinny. Sweet! Kelly is like the conscience of all of us watching this crap. She's actually interacting and acting the exact way I would if I were ever given a chance to be on The City. Anyway, Allie claims that she's fine and Kelly doesn't believe her 75 pound bony ass. Kelker Seltzer tells Allie that it's a question she should be asking herself. I think Allie should be asking herself if she comes from an alien background. Check the family tree. In the end, Kelly leaves the table by saying, and I quote, "I'm going to go DJ...I think." I love a drunken Kelly CUNTrone and a sober Kelly Cutrone. I like both of them. There, I said it.
- Erin bumps into her ex-boyfriend. The two of them put me to sleep. I'd rather listen to stories about my parents dating back in the 1960's than watch Erin and her ex interact.
- Hurricane Cutrone moves to a different part of the bar in which it hits landfall as a category 3 on Allie's ass once again. Allie informs Kelly that she works for Scott Lippsless and Kelly responds, once again, that Allie is so skinny and if she needs any help to let her know. Like a 5 year who's been caught stealing Big League Chew from the corner store, Allie books it outta there in the middle of Kelly's intervention with her. Whitney, of course, chases Allie out of the building and up the street in which they embrace. Awww, how....awkward. Don't hug an alien, you'll get slime all over you.
- The next morning Erin's ex puts his shirt on and leaves her apartment. He tells her he'll "shoot her a text or something." I hope he shoots me and the bullets come right through the TV and hit me on my couch and put me out of my misery.
- Later, we learn that Erin's first day of work consists of her talking to her work-mate about her dating life because, you know, that's professional on your first day.
- At night, One Management is having a dinner party and I get very confused. So here's the deal. We literally see Erin sitting at the table with the rest of the people from work....AND Allie. Next thing you know, you hear Allie say to Scott Lippsless, "Did Erin start yet?" Um, isn't she sitting at the table with you? Did anyone else notice that? I'm confused. Is this an editing mistake or is Allie that dumb? Studies do show that malnourished children can have many developmental delays.
- Sweet! Hurricane Cutrone has been spotted up the coast of Allie's ass and is also at the One Mgt party! She hi-five's some people, in typically Cutrone fashion, and sits her ass right down across from Allie. Allie, the lifeless skank that she is, asks Kelly if she remembers her. Kelly, of course, does and apologizes for making her feel bad, but really wanted to know if she was ok.
- Meanwhile, Adam wants to confront Kelly. Dude, shut the F up and sit the F down. You're getting a little too close to Spencer Pratt status. Get an f'n grip on yourself and your d-bag walking corpse of a girlfriend.
- Wow, well we're 25 minutes into the episode and FINALLY we get to see Olivia. Whitney tells Olivia what happened between Allie and Kelly and Olivia tells Whitney to let it go...over and over again. They probably just hit "replay" on the editing machine. You know that the whole time Olivia is thinking, "Are you 12? Get a life." I love Olivia. Love her. Me gusta Olvia. I'd want her to sit on my lap and just do "eye rolls" to me for 35 minutes.
- Adam and Allie are grocery shopping and are both trying to justify that Allie is at a normal weight and there are people out there that are way skinnier than her. Yeah, they're called "Ethiopians." Allie also seems to think because she's getting work than it's ok. She's a joke.
- In the end, Whitney goes to Kelly's office to talk about what happened. Kelly tells Whitney she won't apologize for what she said to Allie. I love it! She also says, "the truth doesn't always come as a shiny bluebird on someones shoulder. The truth hurts." Someone make that into a t-shirt...STAT! Can I meet Kelly? Can someone make this happen?
- Overall, you have to give Kelly props for what she's saying because she is speaking the truth. We have to remember that the target audience for The City is young girls...and me....and they're going to be watching this and looking at Allie and aspire to look like her bag of bones. I think it's great that Kelly is saying that it's an issue that the industry is forcing these girls to look like this and that even the consumers don't want to see people that skinny and do not want to be that skinny. Sure, Tyra Banks has been chirping about that for years, but at least Kelly doesn't make it about herself whilst she's chirping.
- I say more power to Kelly. It was refreshing to have some real life-life people in this episode.
What did you trash-bags think of this episode? Are we going to get into an actual adult conversation in the comments section about ideal weight and eating disorders or should we just make fun of everyone? Your call!
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The City Recap: Kelly Cutrone and Her Birthday Saves the Show!
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