Clay Aiken Heading to America's Next Top Model

According to the crack-whores at Us Weekly, America's Next Top Model is about to get a whole lot sassier. Clay Aiken is scheduled to appear in the new season in an April 8th episode where he'll be working with the models in an acting challenge.

Um, I don't want to judge, but, uh, for about 20-something years Clay was trying to "act" as a straight man and, well, we see how that turned out. Not. So. Convincing. It's kinda like having Nikki Blonsky giving "healthy eating tips" to the girls. Ok all done.




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Like Attracts Like. Tyra Brings the Crazies.

Oh where to begin? Where. To. Begin. After I came across (not literally) the picture of Jaslene, I ended up digging up some pictures of Tyra and her gang of lunatics at the Oxygen Media Launch Party for "America's Next Top Model: Obsessed." Yeah. Doesn't that already exist? Isn't it already called "All Day Saturday's and Sunday's on MTV and Vh1?" I'm pretty sure they're more obsessed with ANTM than any other channel possible. But I digest.

Tyra brought out her fiercest pose and not only smiled with her eyes, but smiled with her boobs as well...which I believe is first. Next up, Whitney (the plus-sized Anna Nicole Smith lookalike) posed on the red carpet in a way that made me feel like she was about to "release #2" right there on the spot. I would have paid top dollar to hear her say, "You want some monnnney? You want a Viperrrrrr?" Oh well. Finally we have Ms. J who, of course, is inexplicably wearing Mikey Mouse ears to go along with his suit and tie. Thankfully, he reminded us of exactly what Tyra's vaginastein looks like. Just when you think you forget....you remember.


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Who Won America's Next Top Model Cycle 11

Well folks another season of America's Next Top Model come to a close. Bid adios to Jenny recapping the crap out of this show. I'll have to hire her for another series recap. In the meantime, here's what she said went down last night on the season finale of America's Next Top Model:

• It's the season finale! Freedom......freedom.....cuz I don't belong to you....and you don't belong to me.....TYRA!


• Well, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. Who will be crowned America's Next Top Model? I think it would be a real sweet treat if Tyra just said the hell with it, and crowned herself America's Next Top Model.


• Here's some trivia. I was watching Jepoardy! tonight....and Jay Manual was one of the clues. Evidently, he was an aspiring opera singer before he fell into Tyra's clutches on ANTM. Talk about having your life take a left turn.


• Side note, it is FREEZING! Christ on a horse! I can't get warm.


• Looks like the ladies will be shooting a Covergirl commercial. How original and new. It's half Dutch/half English. Dinglish?


• One girl is going to get the peace out, while the remaining two stomp their way down the runway like horses with their hooves on fire...


• Tyra takes this opportunity to teach us how to smile with our mouths closed and be sexy....and smile with our mouth closed and NOT be sexy. That Tyra really gets it. But what is she wearing? She looks like those Asian guys that host Most Extreme Elimination Challenge....the one that they dub into English
  

Analeigh is eliminated from the show. Honestly, how did Sam get into the finals? I call shenanigans.

• The "runway" is set up like an obstacle course. They literally have to run up the hill in order to avoid rolling backward like hedgehogs. Again, noticing the Most Extreme Challenge theme...


• Tyra and the judges take us on a cycle 11 stroll down memory lane....Through the years.......


• Well don't keep us in suspense any longer! Who is going to win the cover of Seventeen Magazine, a life long pen-pal relationship with Miss Jay, a photo in the mail each month of Tyra and 20 years worth of Rice-a-roni? MCKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the best part is, she keeps picking Tyra up and swinging her around like a rag doll...


• This concludes another cycle (not menstrual) of America's Next Top Model. I'll be in negotiations with Mr. IBBB about a hay-penny raise. If it goes through HR and is approved by corporate, I'll see ya next go 'round! Take care and Happy Holidays. I'll be stuffing all your stockings with the ANTM DVD. Or not.
  
  
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America's Next Top Model Recap: Marjorie Gets Drunk, Gets Watchable

Ah, with only 2 episodes left, Jenny is back to recap America's Next Top Model. I have a feeling she'll be giving me her notice before next season :(

Here's what went down on the latest America's Next Top Model:

• The hills are alive.........with the sound of Tyra.....La la la la.......I am singing because we are down to the final two episodes. Once this ends, I hope my Tivo doesn't get confused, think I like this show and start recording all the re-runs.


• Samantha just did the Arsenio hall "bark." Are people still doing this? It is literally from like 18 years ago.


• I can't STAND Marjorie. It's like ground hog day. Every episode she is crying and one of the other models is trying to convince her she is a good model. She's the worst.


• Paulina just showed up from 1985 via her time machine. She is going to teach them selling tricks, so she makes the girls sniff a barrel of herring. Next, they caress toilet paper. Valuable modeling life lessons.


• The girls audition for a 30 second commercial. They get to kiss a male super model. Winner gets a $10,000 shopping spree at G Star. All in all it's a win-win.


• I want to crawl under a rock anticipating Marjorie's attempt at this commercial. I know it's going to be awkward. I am correct. The whole thing is awful.


• Well here I am with egg on my face...Marjorie WINS the challenge...Hold the bus! Some boys come over and Marjorie is getting HAMMERED. This is great. The best part is, none of the other girls drink. Marjorie starts making out with one of the guys. Then, she gets into the tub fully clothed. Analeigh gets all "boys get out of the house" Mckey threatens to physically remove them from the premises. Damn. Just when it was getting good.


• Good for Marjorie. I didn't know the little hussy had it in her.


• This week's photo session has the girls modeling as what I think are little Dutch girls after 2 eight balls and a fifth of vodka.


• WOW. Marjorie is drinking again....This girl is no joke this week (but she is every other week).


• It's panel time and Tyra starts doing Japanese bows. Why?


• Tyra says that Mckey eyes bore into her soul and her lips make her want to go "neeeee neeeee neeee neeee" The other judges look at her like she just ate a live chicken.


• Marjorie and Sam are in the bottom two. So who stays? Nervous, crying, awkward, wine drinking Marjorie? Or the girl who according to Tyra "just......doesn't......get it." Marjorie gets the boot. Haavenstraat...Don't let the Dutch clogs hit you in the windmill on the way out.


• See you next week at the finals!

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America's Next Top Model Recap: Marjorie is a Spaz

Jenny is back to recap the latest episode of America's Next Top Model. I think we may need to give her a new show for next season. Here's what she said went down last night:

• Well, the final five girls are still in Amsterdammit...and are yelling things like "party of five!" and "woooooooo!!!!!!!!"
• It's time for go sees! This is the same every cycle. It always involves clueless girls in a foreign city, getting lost, being late for their go sees and not making it back in time for the 5:00 deadline.
• The girls are traveling by boat...so how bad can it be right? No, they still all get totally lost. The streets are all like Haavenstraat and Shlatenhaaar...
• Also the people in Amsterdammit won't give any of the girls the time of day. Every time someone asks for directions, the people just walk right by them. I mean, I'm from Boston and even we don't do that. We may give you the wrong directions...but we'll stop and give you some type of directions...Not to mention if you're driving you don't stand a chance anyway. Every street is a one way...none of which will go in the direction you need them to. But I digress.
• The rest of the competition is ho-hum, or hoe-hum...Marjorie cries and whines. A designer tells Elina she won't work with her due to her large number of tattoos. Marjorie cries AGAIN. Oh, and Marjorie cries again. McKey is late getting back and is disqualified.
• Analeigh is the winner and wins $18,000 worth of prizes that she will get later at the apartment. How mysterious. Not really, she gets clothes. Does McKey have an accent? How have I not noticed this before? I need to step it up and take my job seriously.
• Get ready for this week's photo shoot. Someone has their back to us...I thought it was going to be Tyra, but a random dude turns around with a face full of makeup. Tyra rolls up on the set and is the photographer for the shoot. The theme is no makeup and lots o' makeup. Ok.
• Sidenote- Tyra does an EXCELLENT Miss Jay impression.
• Tyra coaches Elina on how to "let it all go." She tells Elina to be "fashion" and a "monster"....Be a fashion monster! Stupid.
• European and European are in the bottom two. So who stays? The European or the European? The European is sent.....home.....She must pack up her bags and return to America immediately. Haavenstraat!
  

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America's Next Top Model Recap: Prostitutes in an Amsterdam Window!

ANTM recapper, Jenny, may be trying to get out of recapping this horrific season of America's Next Top Model, but she's under contract until the end of the year. Nice try. Here's what went down last night when the skanks were in Amsterdam:

• Time to settle in for another award winning episode of ANTM. That reminds me...hey IBBB, I think it's time for a raise. This 6 cents an hour crap is for the birds. Scratch that...even the birds would tell you to piss off.
• The girls are greeted by Daphne Deckers, host of ANTM Amsterdam. Everyone curtsey to the queen.
• The girls have to find their own house...whoever gets there first gets 50 extra frames. This is a total rip off of the Amazing Race. Tyra you can copy that show all you want...you ain't gettin' an Emmy.
• Side note, my "r" key isn't working correctly and I have to slam it to get an "r" to come out on the screen....further pissing me off.
• Elina and Sam arrive at the house first, winning the challenge.
• How clever, Tyra now puts her Tyra Mail in a pair of Dutch shoes. Too predictable...I think it would have been better if she pinned it to some chick's ass cheeks in the Red Light District. Or maybe when they are done reading it, they could roll it up into a joint. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
• Challenge number 2 has the girls posing in a window in the Red Light District...Red Light Fashion Amsterdam. Winner of this one gets to attend the International Fashion Week...courtesy of the city of Amsterdam. I say the winner of this one gets pimped out (by Tyra) for the remainder of their stay in Amsterdam. Sam and McKey win this one.
• Meanwhile back at the whorehouse, the girls get into an argument regarding prostitution and whether or not it should be respected. I can't get past the fact that when the girls do their commentary, they are sitting in front of a Windmill blue screen.
• This week's photo shoot is on a ship. I can't believe none of these girls shouted "I'm the king of the world!" I would have bet 6 pesos on that.
• It's panel time, and one girl will be packing up her bongs and heading back to the good old U.S. of A....
• Elina and Sheena are in the bottom two. So who stays? The girl who loves Europe and legalized prostitution? Or the girl who said she doesn't have breast implants, but said she does have breast implants?
• Elina gets to stay and the other girls look like they want to kill themselves. The truth is, I really want to kill myself as there are 3 more weeks of this. See you when I see you.
  
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America's Next Top Model Recap: Who's Going to Amsterdam!?

Poor Jenny is still being forced, by law, to recap America's Next Top Model. It's mandated community service hours. Here's what went down last night on ANTM:

• The show opens with the girls fighting over the European chicks. They say nobody understands what it's like to be European. One of the other girls calls them out and says "didn't you move to America when you were eight?" This leads to tears. Mine.
• The Bobbsey Twins show up to teach the girls how to work accessories. Evidently, you don't just wear them. Per James St. James, (what is this guy?) you wear green spandex over your face and body (kinda like green man from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia).
• What a cast of characters we have showing up today...I can't type fast enough to keep up with this. Nony Tochterman is here. She has the hair of a 76 year old woman who just got her hair "set" for the week at the salon---except it's pink. She seriously looks like a character from an SNL skit. Remember that crazy lady with all the medication that Cheri Oteri played? Yeah.
• For the challenge the girls are going to model Crazy McNutcase's clothing line...with special effects...The girls are going to disappear, revealing only the clothes. I hope these effects are better than the cartoon lightning bolts from Tyra's Megatron machine in the season opener.
• The winner gets to be in a holiday photo shoot in the December issue of Seventeen Magazine. I say the winner should be allowed to reappear after the fashion show, while all the losers remain invisible for the remainder of the season.
• PS- James St. James is literally wearing a white stegosaurus blazer.
• Time for the s#it show! I mean, fashion show. Marjorie's dress fell off and she didn't even notice. This tells me quite a bit about Marjorie and what she's like on a Saturday night.
• Elina wins the challenge. Ok. Boring.
• Another fight breaks out at the house because a girl is using teriyaki sauce and someone else uses a Chinese accent. It's not the Asian girls that gets angry though, it's the European girls. Why are they involved in this? No substitutions!
• Whitney, the cycle 10 winner pops up for the Cover Girl commercial. Analeigh is psyched...She says "This is huge!" Better not let Tyra hear you talk about plus sized models like that Analeigh, or she will tell you to KISS HER FAT ASS!
• I still don't understand why they are allowed to show people's puke on TV. When did this happen? Disgusting.
• What the hell? Tyra just busted out wooden clogs for the girls to runway walk in. They are seriously like clown shoes. The wheels have officially fallen off this show.
• Oh God. They are wearing clogs because they going over to seas to AMSTERDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!! All hell breaks loose as a cartoon windmill and kissing dutch boys/girls show up on the screen. Tyra is waving flags and the Bobbsey Twins are dressed up as windmills and prancing across the stage.
• After the gleeful festivities, Tyra announces that not everyone is going to Amsterdam. Couldn't she have had the Amsterdam party AFTER elimination? That's like taking the cake and ice-cream out of the kid's hand and kicking him out of the birthday party.
• Which of the girls is NOT going to Amsterdam? Alina (a European chick) and Joslyn are in the bottom two. Tyra starts up with the trigonometry, telling us that there are 2 girls and only one photo in her hands. European chick is going to Amsterdam and Joslyn is going........home......
• See y'all in Amsterdam. Konichiwa bitches!
  

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America's Next Top Model Recap: Fiercee Awards Signature Poses. Wait, Huh?!

ANTM as recapped by the brilliance of Jenny. Here's what went down on last nights America's Next.....Top.....Model.

• Here we go, another riveting week of ANTM. What will the ladies do this week? Stimulate the economy? Discover the truth about global warming? Smoke the terrorists out of their holes?
• Nope, they're going to make pancakes and talk about who is the next to go home. I was close. I wonder if this show is banned in any other countries.
• Tyra shows up and delivers Tyra Mail in person, along with a ridiculous rhyme. What a treat. The girls enter the photo studio to find Tyra doing all kinds of poses with her shoes and legs.
• Evidently Tyra's signature is her eyes. At least I am assuming that is her signature, as she just keeps pointing to her eyes. Maybe her signature is poking herself in the eyeballs or performing some type of retina witchcraft.
• For this week's challenge, the models get 20 pictures. They'll take 10 pics...then they get to peek at them...then take another 10 pics. Time to get a signature pose or get clipped by Tyra.
• These girls' poses are the most nonsensical thing I have ever seen. They are all terrible and Tyra's instructions are worse. She is doing African dance moves and making bell sounds.
• Marjorie wins the challenge. She was the hunchback of Notre Dame. Exactly. They get to pick diamonds. Whatever. The real prize should be White Diamonds, the 80's perfume by Elizabeth Taylor. Nothing says 4:00 Mass with Nana like White Diamonds.
• Off to the Orpheum Theater. It's the backdrop for this week's photo shoot. Time to act out embarrassing moments. I mean, where to begin. One example, "I want to pee and I can't get out of my gown." I hope someone does "I saw Tyra on the streets of L.A. and didn't recognize her, so she beat my ass."
• Random videos of Tyra with a feather duster.
• Tyra shows up to judging with her hood on. Tyra tells us she is Little Black Riding Hood. She looks like the Grim Reaper. I wish she would kill me.
• Lauren Brie and Sheena are in bottom two. So who stays? The girl who Tyra thinks is a hoochie? Or the girl who's hair is transparent? See through hair (Lauren Brie) is asked to leave the competition. I can't believe there are 7 girls left....another month of this show?
  
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America's Next Top Model: Natural Disasters. Really?

Besides the show itself, last night on America's Next Top Model the theme was natural disasters. ANTM recapper, Jenny, visits IBBB to recap the crap out of last nights crapisode. Here's what went down:

• The show opens with Marjorie wallowing in self pity. Boring. Continuing on with Joslyn talking to her sister on the phone. More boring.
• Off to this week's challenge. The girls enter an old warehouse, while mean-a Paulina enters wearing a powder blue, too big suit. Nice. That's the stuff Bradlees dreams are made of. The icing on the cake however, is when the girls put on pink hard hats a-la "Devo" Don't be fooled, the challenge is not to whip it....whip it good...but to take too big clothes and make them "work."
• More tears from Marjorie, as she did not do well. Marjorie says it is a European thing. I think she looks like a cutter.
• McKey wins the challenge and will get 50 extra frames at her photo shoot.
• This week's photo shoot will be "natural disasters" Marjorie says she doesn't really know what a natural disaster looks like. I say look in the mirror.
• More self pity from Marjorie. She says her parents are from France and she was raised to dwell on the negative. No surprises here.
• The girls show up at the shoot location and scream in fear as Tyra enters the room. Oh wait, that's not Tyra....It's Jay dressed up as an Alien vs Predator creature double feature. My bad.
• Is a blackout really a natural disaster? A heat wave? The Santa Ana Winds? What the hell are the Santa Ana Winds anyway? All I know is that everyone from 90210 (the original) was always talking about them...in a very mysterious way.
• Marjorie's natural disaster is causing a traffic jam. Really? I sit in traffic every day. Where is my federal aid?
• More uninspirational words from Marjorie. This girl is ridiculous. Does this chick realize there are people in the world with real problems? Hasn't she heard the heartbreaking stories of people sitting in traffic?
• Joslyn and Clark are in the bottom two this week. Tyra only has one photo in her hand. So who stays? The girl who had a spark, but is now sparkless? Or the girl who's eyebrows don't really match her hair all that well? Clark is no longer in the running towards becoming America's Next.............Top...........Model. Clark packs her bags and heads out. She also crowns herself Miss America...Not really sure what that's about.
  
  
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America's Next Top Model Recap: Isis Gets Snipped

Spoiler Alert! ANTM jumped the shark 10 seasons ago! ANTM recapper, Jenny, has checked in yet again to recap the crap out of last nights America's Next Top Model. Here's what she said went down:

• The girls show up at Lucky Strike, and are handed bowling high heel shoes by Miss Jay. The bowling alley is their runway. Hannah walks like she is 5 years old and someone just stole all her Barbie dolls.
• For this week's challenge, the girls will be portraying cat burglars. Personally, I would have had them portray the "Ham Burglar." Winner will appear in Seventeen magazine...(or in my version, the dollar menu), and will get to bring two friends (or two fry guys).
• Dun dun dun......this is it. There is no photo shoot or panel. The worst walker gets sent.........home..........Walk like your life depends on it ladies. You better act as though Tyra is behind you showing you pictures of herself on repeat.
• Joslyn wins the competition, and in the next breath Hannah gets sent home. Thank God. That voice makes me want to hurt myself.
• It's 8:30 and there is no sign of Tyra. I'm getting worried.
• Richards Simmons, I mean Jay, wakes the girls up for their photo shoot. They are getting into the pool and will be shot from the eyes up (not literally). Every one of you better smile with your eyes. This is Tyra's area of expertise...so you better bring your A game. I don't want to hear Tyra say, "You did this....and you should have done this....do you see what I did there?"
• Random home videos of Tyra drinking water.
• Tyra starts up with all the math again, explaining that there are 10 girls here because there was 11 and 1 was sent home. Tyra is legally a genius.
• Tyra enlightens us on how this photo shoot came to be. She and her friend were talking pictures of themselves on vacation and started snapping themselves from the eyes up. Now if this shoot was a result of a vacation with MY friends and I, the girls would have been posing in a Mexican bar while local bartenders named Flavi pour tequila down their throat while shaking their head and blowing whistles. Wait, what?
• "Smile with your eyes" count: 4
• Isis and Samantha are in the bottom two. So who stays? The girl who Tyra thinks was disgusting? Or the girl who Tyra thinks look sleepy? Miss Disgusting gets to stay. Tyra says goodbye to Isis and tells her she is an inspiration to gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders. What about the rest of America Tyra? Also, my spell check always wants to replace transgender with transponder. Good day.

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America's Next Top Model: Makeover Episode. Oh, and Tyra's a Witch. No, Really.

Jenny is back to recap America's Next Top Model makeover crapisode. Looks like ANTM hit an all time low.

• Gather 'round boys and girls....it's everyone's favorite, the makeover episode....dun dun dunnnn. I mean, this train wreck isn't about makeovers, or seeing girls cry over buzz cuts. It's about seeing how Tyra factors herself into this...Last season we had Tyra-vision...Maybe this time Tyra will dress as an angel and devil and superimpose herself onto the girls' shoulders....
• Oh boy, Tyra is in the living room with a beauty pageant queen crown on. I wonder what she'll talk about? Oh right, herself. Tyra is telling the girls all about how she became a super model, blah blah blah thin, blah blah blah, booty, blah blah blah Italy. Why does Tyra keep sing-talking this cycle?
• Miss Jay shows up as the wicked witch in Snow White and hands Tyra a poison apple. Tyra eats it and passes out and the models are truly frightened (as am I, but for different reasons). The other Jay shows up and actually kisses Tyra....maybe. She wakes up "woozy" and coughs a lot. She doesn't have enough energy to tell the girls what their makeover will be. Jay carries her away and the world implodes. Disclaimer: I am not drunk, high or dreaming. This is how this scene actually played out.
• It's makeover time....and there you have it. Tyra pops up in the bottom of the screen as the wicked queen. No comment. She's got on a fright wig and is using all kinds of high pitched accents. Seriously, what does the props department on this show look like?
• Cue the tears. Elina is not happy at all. I don't blame her, they gave her little orphan Annie hair. I am now having flashbacks of my mother giving me a home perm in my kitchen in the 80's. Make sure to curling iron your permed hair...That REALLY makes it pretty.
• Off to Walmart for the challenge. The girls have to give themselves makeovers and then sell the product in an improv commercial. The winner gets a video on the Covergirl web site, a photo on Wal-Mart's web site and a $1000 Wal-Mart gift card. Racist Hannah wins.
• Elina tells a few of the other models she hates her mom. That's really sweet. I wonder if she could make that into one of those "song" greeting cards...
• This week, the girls are modeling swimsuits...Hannah literally has psycho eyes...she honestly looks like she's plotting mass murder. Isis is a little nervous. Time to tuck and roll. I have no idea.
• Tyra starts up with the math, 12 girls minus 11 photos equals 1 hour of my life I will never get back.
• Analeigh and Britney are in the bottom two. So who stays? The girl that we don't care about? Or the girl that we don't care about? Looks like Britney is no longer in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. Hope you had fun. Enjoy your lovely parting extensions!
  

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America's Next Top Model 11 - A Racist Girl Hangs From a Ladder

Jenny has checked in to IBBB to recap the latest episode of America's Next Top Model. Here's what she said went down last night:

• Tyra Mail arrives! Yeeeeeee! It reads: Don't get it twisted....Sorry Tyra, this whole show is already twisted. Nice try. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me...and you.
• Nice. It's Benny Ninja, pose coach extraordinaire....to the stars! He presents the girls with a black box...(not the airplane kind) and inside is a woman. Boo! It's Bree Robertson, model/contortionist. Whatever, stupid/stupid.
• For the practice session, the girls wrap themselves up in extra large red scarves and "extreme pose." I'm not that impressed as my one year old also does this.
• Back at the "eco-friendly is fierce" house, the girls hop into the pool. Someone put a tent over this circus...Sheena shows us ass-dance moves, Clark and Elina play kissy face and Hannah pushes Isis. When the girls ask why she pushed Isis, Hannah says she is a stereotypical white girl and doesn't want people dancing on her all HEYYYYYYYYYYYY! Good luck with the African America girls in the house Hannah.
• P.S.- Bad editing here as Nikeysha has on the blue eye shadow from the photo shoot that has yet to take place.
• In other developments, Analeigh makes chicken noises while Isis gives herself hormone shots. There's a sentence that I bet has never been said, ever.
• This week's challenge has the girls auditioning for a jewelry and handbag designer. They have to model accessories and make 'em POP The winner gets a bag, or something.
• Elina wins the challenge. Let's face it Elina, competition wasn't that fierce. People were posing with bags and rings on their feet, teeth and crotch.
• An irate Hannah can't believe they are referring to her as a racist, and through snotty tears says "that's not very nice" Sure...and the war in Iraq is an "inconvenience"
• She also says it's like gang rape and gang violence. Ok so which is it, gang rape or just not nice?
• Tyra's minions are doing their photo shoot up in a hot air balloon, hanging off a ladder. Who will be the girl with mascara tears running down their face because they are afraid of heights???
• Hey, prop guy...cancel the hot air balloon. It's too windy up there so looks like they'll be hanging from a back hoe. (no pun intended)
• What the hell is Sheena? Besides crazy. I don't understand her at all...
• Um, Tarina Tarantino...why is your hair a hot pink bowl-like cut?
• Ok kids, gather 'round. Story time with Tyra, It wouldn't be a judging without a quick parable of how Tyra overcame her challenges as a model. Challenges such as holding her pose so long that she would shake. Bor-ing.
• Mean-a Paulina asks Sheena if her breasts are fake. No Ma'am!
• Oh wait....hold the bus....here comes Sheena stepping out of the crowd....Evidently they ARE fake. Tyra says she knew it all along (Tyra is legally a genius) and was glad she stepped forward and TOLD........THE..........TRUTH.........Tyra is good people. Or not...Okay, she is.
• Nikeysha and Isis are in the bottom two...So who stays? Will it be the girl who needs a Big Mac, large fry and a chocolate shake? Or the girl who's not quite yet a girl, but is a girl, but is almost a girl?
• Nikeysha.......is......outta here! Someone take this girl to a drive through at 3 AM after 6 beers, STAT.
  

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America's Next Top Model 11: Space Camp!

America's Next Top Model is back and so is Jenny the resident ANTM recapper here at camp IBBB. I've given Jenny an 11 cent raise so she is more than happy to recap the crap out of the 11th season of ANTM. Let's see what her thoughts are on the latest episode:

• You wanna be on...POT???? reer reer......reer reer reer reer.......Actually, can you even be "on" pot? That's like something my mother would say..."I think those kids over there are on pot." Anyway, I'm not making any promises here....I mean this episodomy is 2 HOURS LONG.............I can't imagine what this will even be.
• This cycle is staged in L.A. and evidently the theme is futuristic and idiots. The doors open and voila It's Jay and Miss Jay. They look like disco robots from 1975 and 1979 respectively. Miss Jay has a white bowl cut and Jay has silver Elvis hair.
• The girls have their photo-body scans taken. Cue every girl saying that she wants this more than everyone else, and nobody knows what she's been through. Just once, I want one girl to be like "I hate Tyra, and I can't stand reality TV. I just want to be famous. I don't even need the money because my parents are rich and pay for everything."
• Time for the GLAMINATOR 11.0. Get your asses in there girls....Jays are going to key in your data and this machine is going to spit out a model! OOOO WEEEEE! SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!!!!!!! The machine is freaking out...How frightening! What is happening?!
• Well, it's even worse than we thought. Tyra steps out of the machine doing all these robot moves. AND she is talking like a robot. Holy special effects....Cartoon lightning bolts start zapping and the Jays and Tyra disappear. I hope they never come back.
• Damn. They reappear at the judges table and are ready to meet the girls. Per usual Tyra starts up with the accents.
• Very interesting. Isis is a transgender....I'm sure all the other women in this competition will be a-ok with this. I mean, last cycle they were VERY accepting of the girl with Aspergers....
• Ok there is another plus size model and she looks EXACTLY like the winner from last cycle. Dumb.
• HOLY HELL. One of the girls tells Tyra that she is from Alaska and was once chased by a moose. Tyra decides that she wants to re-enact this and SHE wants to be the moose (ha-HA). Now here is something I never knew. Moose make loud screeching noises, like a half hit-by-a-car pig, half drunk-beaten horse. Even the Jays look like they can't believe what they are seeing.
• Tyra asks Elina if she is a lesbian. Elina answers that she is a VERY sexual person. Um, Elina that doesn't make you a lesbian, that makes you a whore.
• Every time I think they wheels have fallen off this show, Tyra asks another ridiculous question. Now she's got some chick showing her cage fighting moves.
• Here's a girl who is making her poor and I'm sure financially strapped parents proud. A Harvard graduate, English major, who cannot name ONE heroine from English literature. Even Tyra is throwing names out there. If I was a Harvard graduate who just got schooled by Tyra I would just jump in front of the ANTM bus and hope that Miss Jay stomps all over my dead body.
• Each girl puts her hand on a megatron (I have no idea what it's called) and will either hear "Access Granted" or "Access Denied" in a robot voice. It's probably Tyra-Bot.
• Ok ladies, zip up your shiny metallic blue uni-TARD and get your makeup nice...it's photo time.
• Please Tyra, give it up. Is she going to talk the a robot all season long? It's as stupid as Miss Jay's hairdo.
• We have our final 14 and there is still an hour left of this train wreck. This is our punishment America, for the war in Iraq.
• Ok I know this is random, but the house these girls are living in looks like the house from "Amish in the City"...There's an idea...Tyra should get some Amish in the house. Do they believe in modeling?
• OH MY GOD..................IT'S FREAKING MAX FROM "THE MAX" ON SAVED BY THE BELL. Where the hell did they dig this guy up? Now here's why I could never be on this show (aside from the fact that I don't look a THING like a supermodel). I would be asking him a million Saved by the Bell questions. "Hey MAX, why weren't you at the telethon to save the Max? What did you think of Jessie's caffeine addiction? Were you for or against oil drilling at Bayside?"
• The photo shoot is going to have a presidential election theme...voting is sex-ayyyy......Time to dress up as your favorite political issue. Why isn't anyone wearing a meat dress and meat shoes? I miss the old disgusting days.
• So who stays? The girl who stepped out of the Megatron and stepped into the Glamitron? or the girl who rocks a metallic blue uni-TARD like it's her job? Looks like Shavon got the boot. You know, the girl who kept telling everyone she was America's Next Top Model? Well, there's 2 hours of my life gone for good. I will hold on to the hope that more 80's sitcom extras will make appearances in future episodes. Maybe Dexter from Silver Spoons.
  

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Isis From America's Next Top Model 11, Possibly Sans Penis?

Oh Tyra you've done it again! The 11th season of America's Next Top Model, which starts up on Sept 3rd, will be featuring a model who was born a man, but is now a woman. My dictionary says that's called "transgender." Now, kids at home, what that means is that the model (named Isis) was born with Mr Winky Claus, but it may have been chopped off and a rack was, well, installed. If I had access to a chalkboard I'd draw it out for you because that's how IBBB's father taught him about the birds and the bees. That's not a joke. Hi dad!

Anynuts, I'm sure Ms J and Mr Jay are going to be so jealous they'll be begging Tyra to cut of their dilly-dilly-ding-dong with hair cut scissors during the makeover episode. Personally, I don't discriminate. No really, I don't. I think it's great that Isis is is comfortable with herself to let people know that she used to pee standing up. I'm not sure how resident ANTM episode recapper, Jenny, will handle this week after week, but I'm sure that hijinks will ensue!

GLAAD is totally psyched about Isis being on ANTM 11 and has said, "We applaud Tyra Banks and The CW for making this historic visibility of transgender people possible."

Ugh. You know Tyra did this just to get the applause. I wonder if Tyra will teach Isis how to smile with the space between her legs instead of her eyes? Is that still technically called the taint? I can't keep up.

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America's Next Top Model 11: The Cartoon!

You know the summer is almost over when Tyra is mustering up enough energy to make herself the center of the next round of America's Next Top Future Failure Models and Foreclosure! This time around Tyra is apparently making ANTM 11 into some sort of cartoon from the 60's or the 70's in which she is magically thin, trim, slim, and about 7 feet taller than everyone else in the photo. Perhaps she's bringing back Captain Caveman. I mean, Cap'n Cavvvvvvvvveeeee Maaaaaaan!

Of course both "J's" are in the background. Ms Jay has his/her signature afro that grows during each round of elimination. Mr Jay, evidently, has sprouted breasts. Overall I'm the most psyched to wake up IBBB ANTM resident recapper, Jenny, from hibernation and have her start recapping her ass off come Sept 3rd at 8pm. You hear that Jenny? Get ready!

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