Clay Aiken Heading to America's Next Top Model

According to the crack-whores at Us Weekly, America's Next Top Model is about to get a whole lot sassier. Clay Aiken is scheduled to appear in the new season in an April 8th episode where he'll be working with the models in an acting challenge.

Um, I don't want to judge, but, uh, for about 20-something years Clay was trying to "act" as a straight man and, well, we see how that turned out. Not. So. Convincing. It's kinda like having Nikki Blonsky giving "healthy eating tips" to the girls. Ok all done.




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Like Attracts Like. Tyra Brings the Crazies.

Oh where to begin? Where. To. Begin. After I came across (not literally) the picture of Jaslene, I ended up digging up some pictures of Tyra and her gang of lunatics at the Oxygen Media Launch Party for "America's Next Top Model: Obsessed." Yeah. Doesn't that already exist? Isn't it already called "All Day Saturday's and Sunday's on MTV and Vh1?" I'm pretty sure they're more obsessed with ANTM than any other channel possible. But I digest.

Tyra brought out her fiercest pose and not only smiled with her eyes, but smiled with her boobs as well...which I believe is first. Next up, Whitney (the plus-sized Anna Nicole Smith lookalike) posed on the red carpet in a way that made me feel like she was about to "release #2" right there on the spot. I would have paid top dollar to hear her say, "You want some monnnney? You want a Viperrrrrr?" Oh well. Finally we have Ms. J who, of course, is inexplicably wearing Mikey Mouse ears to go along with his suit and tie. Thankfully, he reminded us of exactly what Tyra's vaginastein looks like. Just when you think you forget....you remember.


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Who Won America's Next Top Model Cycle 11

Well folks another season of America's Next Top Model come to a close. Bid adios to Jenny recapping the crap out of this show. I'll have to hire her for another series recap. In the meantime, here's what she said went down last night on the season finale of America's Next Top Model:

• It's the season finale! Freedom......freedom.....cuz I don't belong to you....and you don't belong to me.....TYRA!


• Well, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. Who will be crowned America's Next Top Model? I think it would be a real sweet treat if Tyra just said the hell with it, and crowned herself America's Next Top Model.


• Here's some trivia. I was watching Jepoardy! tonight....and Jay Manual was one of the clues. Evidently, he was an aspiring opera singer before he fell into Tyra's clutches on ANTM. Talk about having your life take a left turn.


• Side note, it is FREEZING! Christ on a horse! I can't get warm.


• Looks like the ladies will be shooting a Covergirl commercial. How original and new. It's half Dutch/half English. Dinglish?


• One girl is going to get the peace out, while the remaining two stomp their way down the runway like horses with their hooves on fire...


• Tyra takes this opportunity to teach us how to smile with our mouths closed and be sexy....and smile with our mouth closed and NOT be sexy. That Tyra really gets it. But what is she wearing? She looks like those Asian guys that host Most Extreme Elimination Challenge....the one that they dub into English
  

Analeigh is eliminated from the show. Honestly, how did Sam get into the finals? I call shenanigans.

• The "runway" is set up like an obstacle course. They literally have to run up the hill in order to avoid rolling backward like hedgehogs. Again, noticing the Most Extreme Challenge theme...


• Tyra and the judges take us on a cycle 11 stroll down memory lane....Through the years.......


• Well don't keep us in suspense any longer! Who is going to win the cover of Seventeen Magazine, a life long pen-pal relationship with Miss Jay, a photo in the mail each month of Tyra and 20 years worth of Rice-a-roni? MCKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the best part is, she keeps picking Tyra up and swinging her around like a rag doll...


• This concludes another cycle (not menstrual) of America's Next Top Model. I'll be in negotiations with Mr. IBBB about a hay-penny raise. If it goes through HR and is approved by corporate, I'll see ya next go 'round! Take care and Happy Holidays. I'll be stuffing all your stockings with the ANTM DVD. Or not.
  
  
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America's Next Top Model Recap: Marjorie Gets Drunk, Gets Watchable

Ah, with only 2 episodes left, Jenny is back to recap America's Next Top Model. I have a feeling she'll be giving me her notice before next season :(

Here's what went down on the latest America's Next Top Model:

• The hills are alive.........with the sound of Tyra.....La la la la.......I am singing because we are down to the final two episodes. Once this ends, I hope my Tivo doesn't get confused, think I like this show and start recording all the re-runs.


• Samantha just did the Arsenio hall "bark." Are people still doing this? It is literally from like 18 years ago.


• I can't STAND Marjorie. It's like ground hog day. Every episode she is crying and one of the other models is trying to convince her she is a good model. She's the worst.


• Paulina just showed up from 1985 via her time machine. She is going to teach them selling tricks, so she makes the girls sniff a barrel of herring. Next, they caress toilet paper. Valuable modeling life lessons.


• The girls audition for a 30 second commercial. They get to kiss a male super model. Winner gets a $10,000 shopping spree at G Star. All in all it's a win-win.


• I want to crawl under a rock anticipating Marjorie's attempt at this commercial. I know it's going to be awkward. I am correct. The whole thing is awful.


• Well here I am with egg on my face...Marjorie WINS the challenge...Hold the bus! Some boys come over and Marjorie is getting HAMMERED. This is great. The best part is, none of the other girls drink. Marjorie starts making out with one of the guys. Then, she gets into the tub fully clothed. Analeigh gets all "boys get out of the house" Mckey threatens to physically remove them from the premises. Damn. Just when it was getting good.


• Good for Marjorie. I didn't know the little hussy had it in her.


• This week's photo session has the girls modeling as what I think are little Dutch girls after 2 eight balls and a fifth of vodka.


• WOW. Marjorie is drinking again....This girl is no joke this week (but she is every other week).


• It's panel time and Tyra starts doing Japanese bows. Why?


• Tyra says that Mckey eyes bore into her soul and her lips make her want to go "neeeee neeeee neeee neeee" The other judges look at her like she just ate a live chicken.


• Marjorie and Sam are in the bottom two. So who stays? Nervous, crying, awkward, wine drinking Marjorie? Or the girl who according to Tyra "just......doesn't......get it." Marjorie gets the boot. Haavenstraat...Don't let the Dutch clogs hit you in the windmill on the way out.


• See you next week at the finals!

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