Hey, Little Impressionable Girls of America, Don't Worry....No Talent Needed. Apply Within!

No folks, your hungover eyes are not playing tricks on you. The pictures above are actually of two separate people. First, we have the talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Heidi Montag. She was also on a reality show on MTV. Second, we have a talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Ashlee Simpson. She was also on a reality show on MTV. See the difference?

Both Ashlee and Heidi were the "big stars" at Pure Nightclub inside of Caesars Palace in Las Vegas (baby) for the New Years Eve party. What joy. Seeing these two together makes me want to reinforce to the little girls of America (and possibly even parts of Canada) that anyone can make anything of themselves, even without the talent. All you need is either a semi-famous sibling or a reality show with low morals. Live that American Dream!

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Douche Bags! They're Just Like Us!

I've always wondered what it would be like to write creepy comic-strip jokes in the Sunday paper. A normal Sunday paper would never hire me, so I've decided to write my own "Hills Comic Strip." Clearly I have a knack for cheesy jokes and, well, Heidi and Steve Sanders basically write this crap themselves.

IBBB can now check this off his list. Only 23,426 more things left to do!

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Funny, This is What I Always Assumed Heidi's Vaginastein Looked Like

These two can officially kill themselves. I am now giving them permission to do so. Heidi, her new chin, new boobs, new nose, and Steve Sanders filmed riveting scenes for upcoming episodes of this show they're on. That show is called "The Hills." Apparently it's been on for a while.

Whilst the two frolic on the beaches of Mexico I can't but help to be reminded of a simpler time when Heidi was running on the beach with her arms flailing all about (ideal for the Hokey Pokey) chasing seagulls who were probably infested with rabies. Maybe it was Heidi that had the rabies. Either way someone or something had rabies and I was happier back then.

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I Now Pronounce You "Mr and Mrs. Santa Pubes." You May Kiss Us Weekly.

Let me just say that I've probably taken 4 days off from the blog in the past 2 years. Of course, of course, I would take the day off when Heidi, her new chin, her new boobs, her new nose, her fake hair, would marry Spencer/Steve Sanders and his Santa pubes. Of course I would not find out about this until the end of the day.

I just have 2 words for Heidi and Steve Sanders. "Thanks for inviting me to the secret wedding. I'm sure Us Weekly was there, on their knees, filming the whole thing and holding the cue cards."

Anychin, the two natural blonds eloped in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on November 20th. I wonder if Frankie Delgado let them get married in his backyard?

By the way, here is what Steve Sanders vows were: "Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I'm honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always."

Mmmm sweet. I'm pretty sure "you are the light in my life" is the name of a song. I'm pretty sure "...makes me want to be a better person" was from that Jack Nicholson/Helen Hunt movie. And I'm pretty sure that "I feel complete" was also from a late 90's movie.

No word yet on what Heidi's vows were, but rumor has it Heidi said something along the lines of "Ow Spencer! Get your hand out of my ass....it hurts when I talk." I'm trying to get that verified.

Darlene Montag was not at the wedding and was not supportive of it. When Heidi called to give her a heads up, Darlene thought she was calling to tell her they had broken up. Oh snap! Hopefully Darlene will get revenge by shooting Heidi's horse on Main Street of Crested Butte.

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Source It Up!

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And You Know That the Security Machine Beeped Every Time Heidi Walked Through!

Heidi and Steve Sanders were heading out of LAX to an unknown destination. I'm assuming they're flying to Crested Butte so that they can cook up and eat Heidi's horse for Thanksgiving just like the Pilgrims did in 1492. Perhaps my math is wrong.

Anyway, I wonder how many times the security machine beeped when Heidi walked through? I mean, you can take off your belt and remove the change from your pockets, but I don't think it's as easy to remove your new chin, nose, and boobs right there whilst you're in line.

As a side note, aren't you supposed to take off your shoes when walking through security? Is this a real airport or is this like a "Hills airport?" Ugh. It's probably the same set they use for Stephanie Pratt's apartment.

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IBBB Exclusive! Guess Who Found a Copy of Heidi's Resume????

Clearly well qualified for any office job.

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Dear Heidi, Welcome to Your Future!

Dear Heidi,

Welcome to your future! Meet it. Its name is Kim Zolciak. It's on Real Housewives of Atlanta. This shall be you. Best wishes!

Signed,

Fate

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It's Voting Day! Make a Difference in What Really Matters...

Today, as you know, is a very important day in our lives. It's a day we vote. It's the day we vote for Heidi Montag's fakest feature! Uh, what did you think I was talking about?

So is it her boobs? Her nose? Her lips? I mean, really, the sky is the limit! So take a second and make your voice heard and vote! Think of it this way....what if you think that Heidi's boobs are the fakest, but you don't vote and then other people vote that her nose is the fakest? How would you feel then?

Proceed...

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

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This Time Last Year: Heidi, the Fugly Mermaid

Happy Halloween and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Heidi and Spencer's Halloween costumes...this time last year...


I wanna be where the chins are. I wanna see, wanna see Heidi dancing. Walking around with those -what do you call 'em? Oh - fake boobs! Flippin your nose, you don't get too far. Talent is required for singing, dancing. Up where she walks, up where she runs. Up where she sells-out all day in the sun. Talent free. Wish I could be, part of her world!

Bonus points if you got any of that. Heidi and Steve Sanders got their Halloween costumes off the rack in the Halloween aisle at Walgreens. I can almost smell the plastic and felt from here and I'm not even talking about Heidi's nose and boobs. Oh! Stop me if you heard this!

Heidi looks simply beautiful with her little mermaid outfit and Steve Sanders looks like the real spiderman! It really is a special day. I mean, Steve Sanders clearly permed his hair for his costume and Heidi clearly washed up on shore for her Halloween costume. The saddest part? At some point these two both looked in the mirror and said, "Perfect. Let's go."


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Stop Teasing Us and Just Use the Gun Already!

First of all if you're not going to play "Murder/Suicide" than I don't want to see these pictures. Second of all, I don't care why these pictures were actually taken...there is no part of me that believes that Heidi Montag can read more than 4 words (boobs, nose, chin, lips). Third of all, I'm waiting for the pictures in which Spencer/Steve Sanders finishes that 6 pack of WhiteTrasheiser bottles and pummels the ever living pee pee out of Chin Montag.

Stuff her body in that blue bag and then the both of you can jump off that cliff behind you.

I'm just playing. Keep doing The Hills. Thanks.

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Heidi Montag Before and After. Just Because.

The other day an IBBB reader asked me to show a little "before and after" of our beloved Heidi Montard. It looks like fame can really change you. Well, that an a surgical knife. Well, a surgical knife and selling your soul to the devil. Well, a surgical knife, selling your soul to the devil, and being white trash with new money. Well, a surgical knife, selling your soul to the devil, being white trash with new money, and having people around you convincing you that you can actually sing and dance.

Seriously, do you think if Heidi one days goes to heaven, Jesus Claus will be like, "Good, now I want you to stay right here and sit through 4 seasons of The Hills."

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Are Lauren and Heidi Friends Again? Check the Script.

The Hills Recaps! Click Here!

Check Out Past Hills Recaps Here!

If you don't want to know if Lauren and Heidi and her new chin, new nose, new boobs, and new lips are friends again don't continue reading. IBBB could just be tricking you. Perhaps Lauren is only friends with Heidi's new lips and not Heidi herself. Spoiler alert may be ahead....and it may not be ahead.

According to Us Weekly, who seems to blow The Hills on a daily basis, they are reporting today that Lauren and Heidi may have reconciled and become friends again. You see, Lauren was at STK restaurant in LA last night celebrating her runway show with family and friends for LA fashion week. At the same time, through the absolute grace of Jesus Claus and Santa Christ Heidi and Steve Sanders were at STK too. Imagine the likelihood of that?!


Heidi spotted Lauren (she probably noticed all the lines under Lauren's eyes as a way to identify her) and asked someone if she could congratulate Lauren on her tacky clothing line.


Lauren and Heidi (and her chin) then had a brief heart-to-heart and then were seen hugging. Personally, I think it was just Lauren's attempt to try and pop Heidi's new boobs, but that's just my theory.


Later, Heidi and Steve Sanders left STK probably so that Steve Sanders could brush his Santa pubes back on the set of The Hills.

Looks like that very well-written letter by Heidi may have paid off!

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And You Know the Homeless Are Like, "Eh, I'll Pass Thanks"

Heidi and Steve Sanders are continuing on with their "We Help People" press tour. This time around they're scooping mashed potatos and toilet water sundae's (I'd assume) at the Union Rescue Mission House.

I have a question. Why are Heidi and Steve Sanders wearing white gardening gloves WITH plastic gloves over their gardening gloves? They're probably afraid they'll "catch homeless" if they accidentally brush hands with the housing impaired. How come 2 sets of gloves, yet no hairnet? It doesn't matter that these people typially eat out if dumpsters, I'm sure they don't want to choke on Heidi's Barbie hair that's stapled to her head or Steve Sanders Santa pubes that are glued to his face. They've suffered enough. Let them alone.

P.S--> Before you send me hate mail saying I never do anything to help people you'd be right 99% of the time, but I recently donated some cash to Stand Up to Cancer and I did my good deed without a photoshoot. I mean, mainly because no one would want to take my picture, but still....

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You Know What? I Don't Want to See the Slaughtered Cow on the Wall, Why Would I Want to See This?

Unless this is their obituary photo, I don't want to see it. Heidi and Steve Sanders, from The Hills, are now hanging from the wall at Wolfgang Puck's restaurant, "Cut." It's not as promising as it sounds. Their pictures are hanging there, not them themselves. Ugh. Better luck next time. Seriously the last thing I would want to see as I'm stuffing my fat face is Heidi's chin looking at me or Steve Sanders creepy wife-beater eyes watching my every move. I am, however, pleasantly surprised that Heidi has almost completed her transformation into a cartoon duck. So that's the upside.

Correct me if I'm wrong (no, don't) but I believe it was one of Wolfgang Puck's restaurants that exposed a bunch of celebrities to Hep A. Yes? No? The answer is "yes." Mmmmm Heidi and Steve Sanders on the wall AND a shot at getting Hep A? When's my reservation!?

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Oh God, Where Do I Go With This One

Look, even I'm not going to make some dumb joke about these kids. IBBB does, in fact, have a heart....contrary to popular belief. I just think that these kids have already suffered enough. To have to sit there and pretend that they're happy to see Heidi and Steve Sanders is just like adding salt to the wound.

I mean, what kind of example are Heidi and Steve Sanders to these kids anyway? It's like having Omarosa swing by the burn unit. Why? They could have had Whitney visit the kids as she at least is a good example. She may not be the smartest, but at least she is wholesome, positive, and hard working.

I don't even know how this was set up. I'm sure Heidi just happened to be at the hospital getting another layer shaved off her chin and added to her rack and then she probably saw some photographers down the hallway and jumped behind the wheelchair. I want to see the security camera tape because I'd bet my life that's how it went down.

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When Did Spencer Start Dating Cindy McCain?

So is this Cindy McCain sub-storyline going to make it into future crapisodes of The Hills? Steve Sanders and Heidi Montard, who literally looks like a Q-tip, walked the gray carpet at the Pink Party in Santa Monica yesterday. Elyse Walker played host to the 4th Annual function that was held in Hangar 8 at the Santa Monica airport. Proceeds to the benefit will go to the Cedars-Sinai Women's Cancer Research Institute. That's a mouthful.

Anytip, Heidi is almost unrecognizable. I mean, not to me. I totally know every feature of Q-Tip Montard as I've followed her every move from when she walked that fashion show back in Laguna Beach, you know, the one where Dieter and crew tried to raise money for the millionaires who multi-million dollar homes started to slide off the hill during a major storm. Yeah, that one.

Moving on, it also looks like Steve Sanders may have eased up on the Sun-In he sprays on his head and face (for the Santa pubes) and, apparently, he's back to the Brady perm. Let's face it, there's a lot going on with the both of them. A lot.

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When Heidi Dies, This is the Video My Jesus Will Show Her

I've made more crap videos than I know what do with. I'm not quite sure what that means, but perhaps you've seen them. Heidi Montard has a music video out that she made herself for her wonderful dance ballad "Overdosin." You saw the pictures earlier this week and now you get to enjoy the 10 minute music video.

I know Heidi's been talking a lot about Jesus and her faith recently, but I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't create her vaginastein so that she can cover it with tights and spandex and then lift her leg over her head. Perhaps he did. It's hard to tell with Jesus. Speaking of which, when Heidi dies, before she is sent directly to the fiery pits of hell for all eternity, Jesus will make her watch this video. I'm sure he'll strike up a deal in which if she can watch the whole thing without turning red in embarrassment she can bring her horse from Crested Butte with her to hell. Maybe he'll even let her ride it there.

Honestly I don't even recommend watching this. I've taken one for the team. I watched the full 10 minutes and I'll never be the same again. I'm almost certain I'm sterile.

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Heidi's New Video, Now Cameltoe Free!

Wow! It looks like someone used some of their Hills money to actually make a music video that included such things as "extras," "work-out clothes," and "hair and make-up." I'm actually pretty sure this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I also thought that when I heard Heidi's last song, "Fashion." Fasion, put it all on me, don't you wanna see these clothes on me? Nope.

This time around Heidi is filming a video for her new "song" called Overdosin'. I'm really hoping that this is one of those times where life imitates art. Only time will tell. I am a little disappointed, however, that with all the old work-out clothes we are not seeing any form of Montag Cameltoe. For me, that is the ultimate goal. I am pleased, though, that the headbands are really making Heidi's chin pop!

Is it ironic that the "backup dancers" behind Heidi are many different nationalities, yet we don't see any of these nationalities represented on actual Hills episodes? Heidi really is a pioneer. She's like Eli Whitney, the inventor of the cotton gin. I mean, I don't know how that relates, but any time I can toss in an Eli Whitney references, well, all the better.

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A Two-Headed Montag Monster.....and Heidi's Mom is Suddenly the New Dina Lohan

I couldn't decide on what to title this post so I combined them. I own this crap. I get to decide. Anyhills, my worst nightmare has come true (Siamese Montag sisters) at the same time my dream has come true (Darlene Montag is totally the new Dina Lohan!). It's almost like Hills implosion for me. Heidi Montag, her more than likely douche-bag sister Holly Montag, her MILFless mother, Darlene, and Steve Sanders were all teeth and fake blond hair while they had a little dinner at STK in LA the other night.

I tell ya, a little lighting from below the face really takes years off. With the camera lights on Darlene looks like 25 year old. When the camera lights fade, Darlene is looking more like her horse that lives at Crested Butte. I miss that damn horse.

I know I said the other day that Holly Montag looked gross, but these pictures make me feel differently. I'm confused. I'm in Montag turmoil. At least you can always count on Heidi to be a complete fright-fest. And Steve Sanders with that extra shiny black shirt? Looks like someone raided Darlene's closet before they went out. And is that a new perm I see, Spencer? Seems like setting it in rollers the night before is really doing the trick.

6 more sleeps until The Hills is back on!

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