The Hills Season Finale: This Episode Has More Tears Than Audrina's Hoo-Ha After a Drunken Night in Palm Springs w/ Justin Bobby. Did I Cross a Line?

Wow. Season 4. Yup. Yeah, so. Er....uh. Hmmm. Yow. Eesh. Yuckeroo. Sorta at a loss for words. Lives were saved. Conflicts in the Middle East, resolved. Diseases cured. That'll wrap up the entire 4th season.

In what is the last The Hills Recap from IBBB of Season 4, let us dry our drunken eyes and come together as one. And by "one" I, of course, mean "a large group of tools." Hoe's perhaps? Be sure to check back at IBBB next week for the first recap of "The City." That's right. I'm selling out and recapping that too.

Here's what went down on the season finale (finally) of The Hills Season 4: Scripted Boogaloo:

• Heidi is back to work at Crackhouse with Brent and Side-Bangs. She tells Brent of her weekend in Mexico and how she got married. Apparently, Brent lives in a powerless cave and didn't hear the news of the wedding. Heidi tells Brent it was the craziest thing she's ever done. Really? The craziest? The breast implants, not so crazy? The chin surgery, pretty tame? How about that time you got your lips done and you looked like your vagina was stapled to your face? No, that wasn't crazy either? Eh, ok.


• Seriously? Justin Bobby is on a motorcycle with a sparkly silver helmet, overalls, handlebars that are about 5 feet above the motorcycle, and Audrina looks like she's sitting in stadium seating behind him. They could totally end the episode with this scene and I would be totally fine with it. Hell, end the entire series with this scene. Well worth it.


• J Bob and Oddrina are out in Palm Springs celebrating their 5th on camera conversation together and J Bob pops the champagne and almost takes out Oddrina's two front teef. Justin Robert (Bobby) gives us all crazy eyes and calls Oddy "dude" about 10 times, but not before telling her that "she's in trouble now, dude." So to the young kids out there who found IBBB via "the Google" let me explain what J Bob meant by that. You see, J Bob is going to plow Audrina with the same force that the plow outside of your house, during this past weekends snow storm, caved in your driveway. And just when the plowing finally stops and you can catch your breath from shoveling it out, the plow comes (giggity) by again and dumps even more white stuff all over your private property. So, uh, we all caught up now? Cliff Notes: Audrina becomes a woman.


• Yeah, so Darlene Montag and Steve Sanders are having a "stare-off" with each other before Heidi walks on to the set of her apartment. As a sidenote, is Steve Sanders beard starting to grow into his mouth?


• When Darlene starts to cry, I immediately look for my passport so I can deny my citizenship. The only thing that makes me feel less embarrassed is by forcing myself to think of Darlene making sweet Crested Butte love to that damn horse that Heidi grew up with. That damn horse. He gets me every time. Sniff sniff.


• Meanwhile, Justin Bobby and Audrina are having a romantic dinner and J Bob is dressed like that chimney sweeper from Mary Poppins. I'm trying not to make too many jokes as I have the same shirt and hat J Bob is sporting. If only I could get my mustache to connect to my chin beard, I could dress up as J Bob for Halloween. Maybe if I try to start growing it out now I'll be ready for next October. Oh, and by the way, Justin gave Oddy some sort of a ring that I'm pretty sure he vomited up from his stomach and out of his mouth. It looks like that silver sparkly pipe cleaner that your 3rd grade teacher would bring in for Arts and Crafts and force you to make reindeer antlers with during Christmas. You know, the one that you attached to the big wooden spoon. Anyone? Crickets. Anyway, that gift is the worst. Actually, you wanna know what gift is technically worse than that? I once gave someone I was dating some Christmas stuff because I wouldn't see them for the holiday. This consisted of a tree ornament with their name on it and a Christmas candle. Wanna know what I got in return? Dumped the next day. True story. No joke.


• Fast forward to that "party" that Crackhouse is throwing. It's all black-tie and Sandy Sanders is there dressed like Macy Gray. Heidi and Side-Bangs are talking about the party and then say "Let's go look at the party." As the'yre walking through the party to look at the party they're actually saying, "Wow, look at this party." Wow. Kill me. For real. I won't press charges if you only paralyze me and not technically kill me.


• Well, it's the moment we've all been waiting for since the end of Season 2. Heidi. And. Lauren. Are. About. To. Talk. Buckle up, bitches.


• Er. Uh. Ouch. Awkward. Lauren and Heidi literally stare at each other for a good 10 seconds and Lauren says, "I hate this is awkward." It actually gets even more awkward because Lauren then rests her entire chin on her champagne glass. If Heidi did that the whole damn glass would have shattered, but I digress.


• So who thinks this scene was scripted? Will you stop reading this if I say that I think the conversation is kinda real? I say this because typically when the scenes are scripted (99.98% of the time) Heidi is talking with her eyebrows pointed in and all of her sentences end with her sounding like she's asking a question. This time, however, Heidi gives us the "for-real-ugly-cry" when Lauren starts to ask Heidi about her mom (she should have asked about the horse too).


• I also think this is kind of real because Heidi does admit that she does miss Lauren, but knows that their situation won't be changing any time soon. Oh, and the #1 reason why I think this may NOT have been scripted is because Heidi later asks Lauren if she's been "working out a lot." Yeah, no. She said that. Now there's a chance that she accidentally read one of Brody's lines to some chick at the bar, but Brody was not in this episode, so I pretty much am buying all the crap that these two dirt-bags are spewing out. Anyone with me?


• Sidenote: Lauren and Heidi's conversation and interaction was very reminiscent of Season 1 and Season 2 when they actually talked without reading lines. Regardless, even if these two really hate each other why can't they just pretend to like each other for Season 5? While they're at it, I'd love in next season if they all acknowledge that they're on a television show. Eh, more on that at another time.


• Back at Casa de Chin, Darlene and Steve Sanders have the same exact argument that they had earlier in the season. I'm over it.


• Finally, in the end, Heidi, Steve, and Sandy Sanders arrive at the "City Hall" that looks like the same "City Hall" from The Brady Bunch. Sandy Sanders tries to talk some scripted sense into Steve Sanders about not getting married there and giving Heidi the wedding she really wanted...with her mom....blah blah blah. End scene.


• Sweet! I'm pretty sure that the judge in the courtroom is Roz from "Night Court!" Hooray! I'm glad that Roz got work again!


• Stop. The. Press. Heidi's middle name is "Blaire?" Like, "Blair" from "Facts of Life?" What a treat. I may have been typing when she said it, but I assume the judge called Steve Sanders by his full name too.....Steven Santa Pubes Sanders.


• Steve Sanders never gets to say his "vows" because he wants to make sure that Heidi is ok and if she wants her mom there. Heidi cries again and her chin almost dislocates from her face and says she does, in fact, want her mom there....and her horse from Crested Butte....and her old chin (which is wrapped up on a Tiffany's box and placed in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC, along with a piece of the Berlin Wall). They don't get "legally" or "scriptedly" married and they all leave the court house.

Well, that's it, kids. Another season bites the dust and bites me in the ass. Until next time, I bid you a fond (and scripted) farewell. I thank you for sticking with IBBB week after week and day after day.

What did you all think of the season finale? What was fake? What was real? What should happen in Season 5?

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The Hills Recap: Heidi and Spencer Get Married in Mexico Right After Heidi Gets Faux-Drunk and Says Every Stereotypical Spanish Word She Knows. Ole!

Well folks, we are down to just one more Hills episode of the season after this one. I'm not going to lie, I kinda feel like I'm getting out of prison next week. Of course, after prison I do have 100 hours of community service I must fulfill which consists of me recapping "The City" but at least I'm not behind bars.

By the way, is it just me or was this episode of The Hills only about 15 minutes of footage, 6 minutes of intros into The Aftershow, and the rest of the time was commercials about The City and Bromance? Eh, better for me.

• Welcome to Mexico, Steve Sanders and Heidi! I hope you got your tetanus shots and have some spare change to give to the little kids who try to sell you multi-packs of Chiclets outside of your hotel in the middle of the night because it's going to be a loooong vacation. Oh, and did anyone else notice that when Heidi got out of the van at the hotel she had two of the same exact sun-hats stacked on top of each other? The props department will never learn.
  
  
• Whitney gets the call at Pubic Revolution that she got the job at Diane Van Fartenburp and makes silly faces while Lauren does that stupid little baby-girl voice and Cheshire Cat smile. I will truly miss these times and by "truly miss" I, of course, mean "will black-out forever."
  
  
• Meanwhile back at Hotel de Montezuma's Revenge in Mexico, Heidi and Steve Sanders literally try to film a romantic scene with Heidi pouring champagne and doing her best French accent. Yes, French. Only moments from now will she turn that French accent into stereotypical Spanish. However, in the meantime, while they are legit saying how "romantic this is" you can actually hear club music in the background and people chanting "ho ho ho ho" on the beach behind them which leads me to believe there is totally a wet t-shirt contest going on in the background and you know, you KNOW, Audrina is out there while Justin Bobby is throwing buckets of water on her chest and filming clips of it for YouTube. I'm pretty sure that's not a sailboat going by way in the distance, it's just Audrina smiling. Bam!
  
  
• Where the hell does Audrina live, by the way? The front door is in like an alley and it kind of looks like the front of a convent. Sandy Sanders swings by Audrina's because apparently these two are friends now...or there are no other cast members around to film scenes with today. Sandy is all freaked out that no one can find out where Heidi and Spencer are. No one? Really? I don't know, maybe check Perez or Us Weekly? Just a thought. I mean, there's paparazzi following them everywhere so maybe check one of those 3,000 sources. Justin Bobby does come up with a brilliant idea, however, in order to find them.....putting up signs. J Bob is the Ricky Ricardo of our generation.
  
  
• FOR ALL THAT IS PURE AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD! What in the holy hell are Heidi and Steve Sanders doing? Taking shots of Patron? Dancing with their shoulders? I'm turning red and definitely suffering from secondhand embarrassment. Heidi kinda swings her hand across her forehead and yells "yo!" all whilst Steve Sanders shoulder dances to some Spanish music. Everyone kill yourselves....but me first.
  
  
• Heidi lets us know that she was paying attention during her 6th grade Spanish class by saying the following phrases during her "faux-drinking" with Steve Sanders: Arriba, Loco en la Cabeza, and "Jose." Although at one point she says, "I think I've had one to many Patron shots" in a Jamaican accent. No joke, it was Jamaican. Why didn't someone yell "Cut!" and make her do it again.
  
  
• I'm about to do two things right now. 1. I will comment on the number of times that Whitney fixed her headband during her going away party (15 times). 2. I'm going to say that I actually feel like Whitney is a really good person who comes from a great family. There, I said it. I don't care that you'll all judge me on that. I think her parents are actually proud of her that she's doing an actual job and not just floating on the success of The Hills like Audrina and LOser...and Sandy Sanders.....and Lauren....and Heidi....and Steve Sanders....and Justin Bobby....and Nana Pratt (that whore).
  
  
• Ok, back to Cabo. I think Heidi just chugged some champagne and then ate a lime. Nice try, you tricky little skank. Steve Sanders keeps on saying that they can have a secret wedding and no one will have to know. No one? Well, I know about it. Wanna know how I know? Because I'm watching The Hills...and you're on it. Oh and Us Weekly is literally standing next to you with a camera crew who is standing next to MTV who is also filming this. Oh, and then you tipped off Perez Hilton, so I know about your secret wedding from that too.
  
  
• Time to say peace out to Whitney! Whitney is nervous about moving to New York because she's not sure how to go grocery shopping in the city. Sure, that's a normal concern. Just do what everyone else does and walk to the grocery store in the middle of the night to pick up a few things and walk them back to your apartment one at a time. Oh, and bring your rape whistle. Best wishes Whitney! See you over at The City! I miss you already! I barely know what I'm doinK without you on The Hills.
  
  
• Finally, for some reason we skip to the day after the actual wedding. Why are we only watching the footage of the wedding off of Steve Sanders video camera that has some fancy boom-mic attached to it?
  
  
• Wait a second. Stop. Stop everything. Stop it all. Stop now. Stop. I thought they were "so drunk" from too much tequila and got married at night? Night? The video is showing them outside and it is either morning or afternoon. So they weren't so much doing this based off of a drunk decision, but more so just possibly a little hungover. I feel tricked. I assumed that they were hammered when they literally got married and that they would go the route of the "Friends" episode in which they could get an annulment. However, if they were not drunk, no annulment. We can all learn a lot from "Friends."
  
  
• I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs. Jose Pratt-Patron. You may kiss the bride's chin.

Next week we get to see Darlene Montag cry it up again at Case de Chin. Lauren and Heidi reunite and even from the 4 seconds of scenes that they showed Lauren looks like she is being held up at gun-point talking to Heidi and hugging Heidi. We also get to see Heidi and Steve Sanders go to the local courthouse to make the marriage official. You totally know that someone is busting into that wedding to stop it.

What did you guys think of this episode? And, more importantly, who tried to take their own life during the show? Come on, it's ok. You can tell me.

Ok, so time to get caught up on all things that The Hills has to offer. From a wonderful Hills Recap to what Heidi and the gang are scriptedly up to. Check it out at the new ImBringingBloggingBack.com.

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The Hills Recap: Why Doesn't Whitney Say, "Diane Von FurstenberK"

Dear Jesus Claus,

Please let The Hills end soon. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. When they are giving story-lines to the original cast members boyfriends sisters boyfriend it makes me angry inside and when I'm angry I can barely spread my joy throughout the world. Anyclaus, here's what went down on another terribly horrific crapisode of The Hills....just in case you were busy diddling your elves, Santa.

Signed,

Little IBBB

• Throw away your hair products because Kelly CUNTrone is back in action! This time, to tone down her tough image, she's wearing purple jeans. But don't fret, she still looks like walking death. Kelly discusses an interview she set up for Whitney at Diane Von Furstenberg. I can't wait to hear Whitney try to say "Von Furstenberg." You totally know the she was like, "Van Fartenburp" and the producers had to yell "cut!"
  
• Now why does Whitney say that this opportunity sounds "amazinK" but she actually can pronounce "Furstenberg?" I would please like for a speech pathologist to write into IBBB and explain Whitney's speech impediment. Gracias (that means 'thank you' in Spanish).
  
• Since this episode is going to really shit the bed, I have a question. You know in the opening credits? Who's the girl on the runway in the bikini that does that ridiculous pose with her head when they sing, "Feel the rain on your skin." You know the part and you know the girl. Let's get her some additional press. What? I'm bored with The Hills.
  
• Lauren and Oddrina are at her new whore-house and Oddrina tells Lauren that she still "wants it" from Justin Bobby. I assumed the "it" that's she's talking about is, of course, teeth whitening kits and/or free haircuts from J Bob. Lauren tells Oddy that her d-bag parents are selling their Laguna Beach house. Boo hoo! Poor little rich girl can't go back to her parents mansion. Ahhh Laguna Beach. Now that's a show I miss on a daily basis.
  
• Sandy and Steve Sanders are having scripted lunch and talking about her scripted boyfriend, Cameron. Boring. I'm moving on.
  
• Whitney tells Lauren about her interview in NYC and once Lauren realizes that Whitney will be moving she seems a little pissed. I'm assuming she's pissed because she's trying to figure out who she'll get to tell all of her scripted problems to at "work" every day. It's tough to be Lauren Cockring.
  
• This show is the worst.
  
• Wait. Are they seriously going to show Lauren going to Laguna to pack up her crap? Really? This is really going to make the episode? Can't Lauren just stay in Laguna Beach and they can start filming Laguna Beach 4? Please? Santa? Jesus? Congress? Anyone??
  
• Oh please. Lauren's parents totally aren't packing up their own crap and putting it into boxes. Nice try, but I think the millionaires aren't packing their own crap. I'm pretty sure they're hiring an illegal immigrant moving crew for work like that.
  
• Whitney's in NYC for her big interview for a job that she already has because she already has her own spinoff of The Hills. It's a little show called "The City." Hmm I wonder if she'll get the job and they'll continue Whitney's spinoff show or if she won't get the job and they'll have to cancel her new show. Hmmm I wonder.
  
• This is great. Whitey's interview is up on the second floor and she has to walk up about 100 stairs. I'm not kidding. With Whitney's track record of stairs and falling down them (Good Morning America) I wonder how she'll do? I'm kidding. She doesn't fall down stairs. She slides down stairs. There's a difference.
  
• In more interesting news, the assistant that greets Whitney, Elizabeth, is hot. Finally.
  
• The middle-aged woman, who kinda looks like Maria Shriver, comes down to interview Whitney. And what an interview it is! She asks tough questions like, "What have you been doing." Uh oh, I don't think Whitney prepared for that one! Drat!
  
• When the interviewer asks Whitney what exactly her role was in the Sass and Bide (Sass and Vibe? No idea) fashion show, Whitney says that she did the casting "and everything else you can think of." Wow. Really? Way to nail that answer, Whit! She might as well have just said, "I did work and things that relate to working."
  
• Whitney does, however, make sure that she plugs her upcoming show by saying that she should jump into this industry whole-heartedly and move to "The City." Seriously, I can't take much more of this. Although, I'm glad that we live in a world where Whitney is employable even when the unemployment rate is at an all time high.
  
• Meanwhile back on the left coast, Sandy Sanders breaks up with her boyfriend who looks like he just knocked over a 7-11 before arriving at her apartment (that she doesn't deserve). If you listen carefully, I think that all the parts of the breakup conversation are voiced over. I'm sure she really said, "I don't want to order pizza" but they voiced over to "I don't want a relationship."
  
• I actually cried when Sandy Sanders started crying....but my tears were over the fact that I realized I've recapped every Hills episode since the 2nd season on and I will never ever get that time back. Ever. My God, what have I done!
  
• LC and LOser are packing up her Laguna Beach bedroom and strolling down memory lane. Lauren finds her "Will" that she wrote when she was 15. In it, she declares that when she dies she wants to be buried in her home-coming dress with her crown placed on her coffin. Finally, an episode worth watching....Lauren dies and we get to watch the burial! You know what? If they also televise LOser's burial I just may live-blog.
  
• Finally this episode is almost over. Whitney leaves her interview and Ozzy Bobby is outside waiting for her. They are the worst to watch. The way she's interacting and touching him you know they totally banged the first night they met. Do you think when Whitney is having an orgasm she's yelling, "I'm cominK, I'm cominK!" I don't care that I crossed the line. That last sentence was the best part of the entire recap.

Next week on The Hills we get to see Heidi and Steve Sanders Mexican wedding. Really? Didn't that literally just take place last week? No really. Didn't it? So basically The Hills is filming scenes each week and editing them (terribly) and airing them a week later? You know, if they actually filmed stuff each week and then aired it immediately maybe every episode wouldn't be ruined by what Us Weekly reports on. Just a thought.

What did you dirt-bags think of this latest episode? Who's not watching next season? Anyone planning on watching "The City?" You think it's even worth recapping?

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The Hills Recap: Nana Pratt - More Lifelike Than Oddrina

So here we f'n are again. Are we currently in episode 23 in the 4th season or in episode 22? I think I've been in a coma since the season premiere. I am honestly going to try my best to not yell "F you. This sucks" during every single scene. Wish me luck. Here's what went down on the most recent episode of The Hills:

• Hi Lo! Hi! Hi Lo! Hey there! How are you! Well that wraps up that scene.


• F you. This sucks.


• Oddrina's co-worker, Alanis, has brushed her bangs to the left in this episode. She's sorta blending into her cubical wall. It looks like Audrina's talking to a floating wig. Actually that would be more interesting. Sidenote, should I get Christmas gifts for all the cast? I'll think about it.


• Oddy tells Alanis that she now doesn't really think that Justin Bobby banged the mustache off of Lauren. Wow. Nothing like humiliating your friend, Oddrina, on national television. I'd also like to take this time to say hello to my international readers out there today. Hello Mexico, South America, and Oregon!


• Steven Sanders arrives at Sandy Sanders apartment (that she doesn't deserve) and I'm pretty sure he's said the word "Nana" 4 times. Now 5 times. Oh, we're up to 6. Now 7. Tilt. I can't wait for Nana Pratt/Nana Sanders or "Sandnana" as I will loving refer to her as. We learn that Sandnana is 84 years old. She better hide her pearls because meth-head Pratt will probably snatch 'em right off her neck. Hahaha snatch.


• Wow. Brody actually made me laugh when he simply asked Lauren why she was "banging Justin Bobby." What a real treat. I'm officially cutting off my tongue. Oh, and bonus points for Brody not getting his hair wet whilst in the pool. I'm sure he spent an hour on the chair in the beauty parlor getting her perm blown out before filming this scene. Manly.


• Tats Patridge is back in action. She looks like someone sprayed graffiti all over her and then yanked her teeth down a couple of inches with some metal pliers...then smashed her in the face with a frying pan....then ran an eggbeater all throughout her hair....then gave her a butch lesbians voice. I said butch.


• Oddrina wants to know if she should apologize to Lauren for being a skank-bag. I say no. In fact, I say for the next 4 months only communicate with Lauren through the pages of Us Weekly....and a Ouija Board because Laurne is dead to me until she waxes the piss out of her upper lip. There I said it.


• Alright alright! Enter Nana Pratt! Sadly, this is the highlight of the episode. I'm kidding. It's the highlight of the season. For some reason when Nana Pratt opened the door I literally yelled out "I bet she's a bitch." I live alone and haven't been drinking, so I pretty much think that's an issue. Anycrap, Nana Pratt is lovingly showing us pictures of Steve and Sandy Sanders as douche-baggy little children. Steve Sanders looks like a diddlers dream in his photo and Sandy Sanders looks like she gave out handjobs at recess for snack money. Hey, sometimes the nachos were expensive. She had to do what she had to do.


• Nana Pratt serves up lemonade to the kids. Hopefully she rang out her Depends in Heidi's cup of lemonade. Speaking of which, Heidi looks like a broken down streetwalker. And what the hell happened to her neck? It's gone missing. It's like her head is just sitting on her shoulders...which happen to be up near her ears. What a mess. I hope she gets hit in a drive by shooting.....a drive by shooting of bubbles! See, even I'm not that mean.


• Whitney and Lauren are at the "office" and Whitney tells us that her new boyfriend, Ozzy Bobby, text messages her "xoxo" after every sentence. Then she says he sometimes even sends "xxx" to her. Looks like someone may have a sex-tape coming out soon! XOXO? Unless you're in the 5th grade and signing your Valentine's Day card to your 85 year old grandpa, please don't sign things "xoxo." Thanks for your cooperation.


• Sweet! Nana Pratt is back in action! This time she and Sandy Sanders are walking along the beach and Nana is sporting the very traditional zinc-pink lipstick, bucket hat, and wooden cane, in which the handle really does look like a pistol. Hopefully it is and she'll play "murder suicide" with herself, Sandy Sanders, and then shoot right through my TV and hit me.


• Ok so am I having a stroke? Is this REALLY happening? Stephanie Pratt is actually having a conversation with Nana about her not really liking Spencer if she knew what he was really like. Are you shitting me? No really? This is making the episode? If this scene was in the first season of The Hills, the show would have been canceled after the 2nd episode. What's worse than jumping the shark? Shooting the shark? If so, I believe The Hills just jumped the shark, shot the shark, and then raped the dead shark, and then cut up its dead raped body to make holiday hats for all the cast and crew. This is the worst.


• Nana does leave us with some words of wisdom that I'm pretty sure she stole from Whitney: "Life is sometimes a bucket of worms and you don't know what to do with them." Thanks Nana! See you in hell!


• Finally this crap is coming to a close. Oddrina is meeting up with Lauren and the lines underneath her eyes at a secret rendezvous. Perhaps the Regal Begal?


• So Audrina says, "Blah blah blah blah blah no upper lip." And Lauren's all "Blah blah blah blah ouch my mustache hurts." And then Audrina is like "Well blah and then once blah and so therefore blah." And then Lauren is like, "Blah. War in Iraq. Blah blah gas prices. Blah blah blah, Sarah Palin's eyeglasses." Oh and then it gets really good because Audrina yells back, "Oh yeah? Well blah blah blah the recession. Blah blah terrorist attacks in India. Blah blah what's that up there on the ceiling? Blah."


• Audrina doesn't know who she is anymore and she's lost herself. Luckily she can read all about herself online and in Us Weekly. They both make up and the episode ends. Is it just me or are we all going to hell for watching this?

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The Hills Recap: Audrina's Mental Breakdown: A Very Special Episode of "The Hills."

Grab your nap mats, boys and girls, because Mother Goose has written one f'd up crapisode of The Hills this week. Perhaps the least scripted episode yet, Audrina must have been chewing on some toys that were shellacked with lead paint and delivered from China because she pretty much goes bat sh*t crazy. With Thanksgiving just a couple of days away, I am most thankful for this episode. Let's see just exactly went down last night on The Hills:

• Audrina's co-worker, Alanis Morrisette, still doesn't realize she's on national television and shows up on camera without a stitch of makeup on. She makes Kelly CUNTrone look like a beauty pageant contestant. Oddrina informs Alanis (and her puffy bangs) that she heard that Lauren and Justin Bobby hooked up. Alanis reacts like she just heard the news that it was all a big mistake and John McCain really won the election (political reference = 1 point). Whilst Oddrina starts to cry Alanis sorta awkwardly hugs her for about 2 nano seconds and just says, "you'll be fine." After those words of wisdom she literally says, "I can't give you any more advice than that." Wow! Thanks, Alanis, alllll better! I'm sure she could give a little more advice. Perhaps something like, "File down your teeth about 1 inch, if you have the time and money." See? Now that could have helped too.


• Oh crap! Lauren better change the sheets because LOser is going to orgasm all over them when LC tells her how crazy Audrina is.


• Know how I know this crap is sorta real? Lauren looks like crap, that's how. Whilst she's freaking the F out on LOser, she looks a mess. She looks like she just chased the talent monster all around her backyard and lost. Oh, and her mustache is back too! I'm also thankful for that this Thanksgiving.


• As Lauren continues on her rant she practices things like "sarcasm" and says that she did hook up with J Bob because of how charming he is and how wonderful is personal hygiene is. Oh Lauren, those classes at FIDM-OPP-PYT are really starting to pay off! Not for nothing, but before she bashes Justin Bobby's impeccable character I have 4 words for Lauren: Jason Wahler.


• HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag stops by Casa de Chin to chat it up with Heidi, but to no surprise she's not there. Know who is there? Yup, Steve Sanders. He's making toast. This scene makes me want to pistol whip my TIVO. Seriously who fights like this? Who fights monotone? I would be swearing, talking smack about his mother, and I'd probably throw a bucket of water on him while he unplugged the toaster.....but that's just me. Perhaps everyone else has different fighting tactics.


• Oddrina heads over to Lauren's house and when Oddy knocks Lauren just yells "The doors open." Note to stalking self: Don't break into Lauren's home, just knock.


• Oddrina and Lauren just stand in her kitchen in awkward silence and filthy smirks. I'm pretty sure Lauren is reading the manual to her microwave.


• Audrina asks Lauren if she hooked up with Justin Bobby. Lauren looks off to where the producers stand, probably to make sure they're ok with Audrina's potty mouth. I like the swearing....makes it more real. I am hoping that one day we even will get a "I'm sorry can you stop filming this right now" as one of them runs out of the apartment/off the set.


• Oh Jesus. It's those tools again from The Aftershow. What the hell is that dude, Dan, wearing for a shirt? Where's his other collar and why are all the buttons to the right? Remember that episode of The Cosby Show when Denise made Theo that knock-off designer shirt and it was all jacked up? Yeah, well that's what Dan's shirt looks like. I miss that show. I miss scripted television. I miss those jazz episodes where the whole Cosby clan would perform lip-synced songs for the grandparents on their stairs. Better days, better days.
  
• Seriously, someone hand Audrina a green umbrella because I think she's going "Britney crazy." She's calling Justin Bobby for the 15th time and looks like she left him some crazy messages in the past. She. Is. Nuts.


• HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag goes by to visit Heidi at "work." It's nice to see Heidi back in an empty cube and it's even nicer that HEMM called her out for not having an office. As a sidenote, what in the Christmas Christ is Heidi wearing to work? And why is HEMM dressed like a part time business woman/part time stay at home mom from the late 80's?


• We are lucky enough to know just exactly what Audrina's crazy-train messages were to J Bob because J Bob let's us all know while he drinks wine at the random bar that he and Oddrina are at. Apparently it was something along the lines of: "You f'n a-hole...I f'n hate you.....you f'n used me!" Sweet. I heart Audrina's f-words fighting style!


• J Bob peaces out of "drinks" with Oddy because he's nuts, but realizes that Oddrina is even crazier than him.


• No joke, this rumor this is f'n stupid. If they were going to do something this stupid, they should have gone all the way with it. Audrina should have called her father and been like, "Hey Dad, yeah, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus...underneath the mistletoe last night."


• Wow! Heidi must need a time machine to make it home from work because not only is she wearing a completely different outfit, but even her hair is crimped. Isn't this supposed to "later that day" after HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag confronted Heidi at work? And, seriously, why am I even bother recapping any scenes with Heidi and Steve Sanders anymore? They can faux-fight all they want and make it seem like Heidi is going to eventually dump him, but now that they're married this is all even dumber. More dumb? Dumbest? Dumberest? Most dumb? Wicked stupid.


• Finally, Audrina and Lauren try to figure this whole rumor thing out, with LOser, at a crowed and noisy bar. There's some random chick in the background just looking at them. If that was me I would have been like, "Are you guys ad-libbing these scenes?"


• Oddrina also accuses Lauren of flirting with Justin Bobby in the past to which Lauren replies that she'd rather kill herself than hook up with him. 2 points for Lauren, but I'm taking one point away because the candle-light is making her under eye wrinkles, forehead wrinkles, and mustache really scare me.


• 2 points go to Audrina for telling Lauren that she's doing the same thing to her that she did to Heidi. Although, I hate to be a stickler, but I'm taking a point away for the side profile of Audrina's teeth. I'm sorry you guys but she needs to learn a valuable teeth lesson and I'm here to teach her that lesson.


• 3 points goes to LOser, just because. No points taken away. Sue me.


• 1 additional point to Lauren for crying this time with out all the makeup running down her face.


• And the winner is.......the terrorists! They win because I watch this show.

On the next crapisode of The Hills, the rumor fight continues.....yawn....BUT Nana Pratt is in town and I have one week to come up with a crapload of new jokes about this!

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The Hills Recap: Holly Moves in With Lauren, Everyone Drinks, I Die a Little More Inside

WARNING!!! What an absolute nightmare this episode is. It's like they didn't even try this time. I would have rather watched Kelly CUNTrone give herself an enema whilst wearing all black then watch this crap. Regardless, here's what went down last night on The Hills....Jesus be with me:

• Once again we begin with Whitney and Lauren "working"at Pubic Revolution. Whitney informs us that she still has been talkinK with Ozzy Bobby (Jay, the musician). Lauren allows Whitney to say one full complete sentence before she jumps in and alerts Whitney that Holly is "crashing" at LC's place. Whitney says probably the most profound thinK she has ever said to this day about Holly: "She's like Heidi without the Spencer." Someone toss that on a t-shirt and lets call it a day.
  
  
• Oh Jesus. Audrina and Justin Bobby are walking up the street in Venice Beach. I'm not even sure if it's J Bob. The producers probably just grabbed some homeless dude off the street and was like, "Here, wear this hat and talk to the girl with the big rack and ultra-white teeth. Don't worry if it looks like she's looking at the sky the whole time....she's...uh...praying." Roll 'em!
  
  
• Ugh, these two again. There are more scenes this season of Heidi hanging up clothes in her bedroom while Steve Sanders stands there and they faux-fight. Seriously? There's nothing better they can come up with then this? Heidi is very concerned about the whereabouts of Holly because "she doesn't even know where she is." Really? Pick up an Us Weekly. That's a good start. If you can't find her there, check out Perez Hilton. He may know. If he doesn't, maybe check out the green-room down the hall from the set of your apartment and see if she's in there practicing her lines for the current episode. If not, check the stomach of your horse from Crested Butte because, well, if my plan worked she may be in there. It's a long story.
  
  
• Later, Lauren and Audrina go out to have drinks and they talk about how awesome they are. As if the dialogue can't bet worse, they reinforce it with sub-titles. Thanks "Hills!" Yawn. I'm over this scene. Unless Audrina's rack falls out of her shirt and onto the bar I'm moving on. Oh wait did it just fall out? Ugh. No. Close though.
  
  
• I love when Teef and Tats Patridge have scenes together. Tats Pat has the longest teeth I've ever seen. They're so long I think it effects her voice. No joke. She kinda has 60 year old butch lesbian voice. Anyone with me on that? Anyone? Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. Anyway, they talk about J Bob and him leaving his toothbrush at Audrina's new house of horror. He only leaves it there because he doesn't use it/need it. I assume he'd leave soap there too.
  
  
• Heidi heads to Crackhouse to meet with Sam to try and get a job. She introduces herself to the receptionist, as if the receptionist has no clue what's going on. I will guess that the camera crew filming her may have given her the heads up that Heidi from "The Hills" will be stopping by in about 3 seconds and that's why there's an actual camera crew in front of her right now. Oh, and someone needs to teach Heidi how "not" to look at the camera. I've caught her about 4 times this crapisode already.
  
  
• So does Sam work in an elevator? Because the door to his office opens like one. And uh, why is his computer monitor facing me? How does he use it if it's turned around? I hate this. I hate me.
  
  
• Sam hires Heidi on a trial basis and doesn't want to see Steve Sanders ever at an event. Is this shit for real? He's supposed to be this high-powered businessman and he's talking to his non-college-educated-douche-bag-low-level-worker about her boyfriend. If there is stock for SBE, sell it now. That place should be tanking soon.
  
  
• Sandy Sanders and Lauren are at "school" for about 3 seconds. They're sitting on white leather lounge chairs. Are the filming this in outerspace? Sandy Sanders hair looks like the Cowardly Lion's. That is all.
  
  
• Holly is back at Casa de Misery with Lauren and LOser. For the 15th time this episode the cast is drinking. Again, watching this show any other way than drunk is just plain old stupid. Holly is supposed to be 25, but I think someone forgot to "carry the 1" when doing the math. She looks closer to 35. Maybe it's the mom haircut she has. One may never know.
  
  
• Meanwhile back at Casa de Chin, Sandy Sanders shows up to film her scenes with Heidi and Steve Sanders. Sandy Sanders spills the scripted beans that scripted Holly is scriptedly living with scripted LC and LOser at scripted Casa de Misery. Steve Sanders and Heidi are scriptedly shocked when they hear this. Heidi checks the script and asks Sandy Sanders why Holly would move in with LC and Sandy informs everyone that Holly was "homeless" and who would say no to a homeless person. Um, I say no to homeless people every single day. It's easy.
  
  
• Steve Sanders and Heidi continue to faux-fight. He calls Darlene Montag a stalker mom. When Heidi tries to defend her family she looks like she's trying to take a crap. Heidi then calls Steve Sanders an ass and that he may be the problem. She's half right. But I'm the ass for watching this show and this show is actually the problem. There's a difference.
  
  
• Finally (thank Jesus Claus) Justin Bobby and Audrina are at dinner wearing all leather, sitting on leather chairs, in what I can only assume is a dungeon. J Bob is sporting a black hood with a black hat. Imagine sitting next to that crap? This is just another reason why I carry a baseball bat with me wherever I go.
  
• J Bob gives Audrina a white shirt and instructs her to wear it without a bra. I'm pretty sure he calls her "dude" after that. Good job, J Bob, someone will be getting a little Oddrina head tonight thanks to that shirt! Carrrreful for her teeth though....sometimes she hurts when she does it. So I've heard.

I stand corrected from the past. THIS was the worst episode ever. Although next week looks good! It's the episode where Audrina claims that Lauren banged Justin Bobby. There are a lot of tears, f bombs, and LC tells Audrina that she's worse than f'n Heidi. Didn't this crap just happen like 2 weeks ago in real life? Are they filming this in real-time now? Oh, they should totally have some live episodes. That would be great!

So what did you guys think of this episode? Yawnsville?

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The Hills Recap: Whitney Officially Gets "Hillsified"

I don't want anyone to be alarmed, but this week Audrina, LOser, Brody, Frankie, DouK, Justin Bobby, and Stephanie Pratt are nowhere to be found. It's like those episodes of The Facts of Life where sometimes Blair just randomly wouldn't be in it. You watched it anyway, but the whole time you were kinda like "I wonder if Lisa Whelchel is getting fired?" Let's see if Lauren, Whitney, Heidi, and Steve Sanders could carry the show. Oh, and by "carry the show" I really mean "make me want to give away all of my possessions and then jump out my window."

Here's what went down on the most recent crapisode of The Hills:

• Beep. Beep. Beep. Can you hear me? Hello??? Can you hear me? It's Kelly CUNTrone, someone pick up! Kelly CUNTrone is on an official conference call with Lauren and Whitney and is explaining that both skanks need to fly first class to NYC to help her with 6 fashion shows for fashion week. How the hell long is fashion week? And is it just me or is listening to Kelly CUNTrone over the phone like listening to Tony Micelli leaving a voicemail for Angela Bower?
  
  
• Other Nationality Alert: Hills viewers, I know you must be confused by watching the scene with Kelly CUNTrone yelling at some girl to hang up the phone. This girl in question is the nationality that is considered "Asian." Say it with me. Asian. I'm pretty sure they just took the same Asian girl that used to sit next to Lauren in her "fashion class" and made her move to the set of Kelly CUNTrone's office. Oh, and figures that Kelly would have to use hand signals to tell her to hang the phone up. The look of the girl who plays "Asian Girl on Phone" is priceless. Although it's kinda the same look of an Asian person who drives their car through an intersection when they have a red light and causes a 3 car pile up. Oooops, I don't know? I sorry.
  
  
• What's the difference between Kelly CUNTrone and a hockey mom? Colored clothing.
  
  
• Whitney and Lauren show up to the NYC office looking like an Easter egg exploded and Kelly CUNTrone wants to know where their "black" is. Yikes. Geesh, Kelly, slavery ended like 25 years ago. Get with the times. Oh, and it's clear where Lauren's black is. She's been growing hers in again. Yes, the mustache is back! I believe this is Lauren's mustache's first trip to New York. Ole!
  
  
• Do you think that Kelly knows that while Lauren has to be her bitch on camera she actually makes more money than Kelly? If Kelly doesn't know that, I do. I know it. And I'm tellllling!
  
  
• Jesus. Between all the questions that Lauren and Whitney are asking the male models it must be like working with the Riddler. That one dude is a douche, no surprise. Every question Whitney asks he answers with another question. Douche.
  
  
• Meanwhile, back at Casa de Chin, we get to wake up with Heidi! What a treat! Heidi is practicing her "sad faces" because she is upset she got shit-canned from Crackhouse. She says she wants to work on her resume, but I already found her resume. Somewhere in California, Elodie is squealing with delight.
  
  
• By the way, Heidi is looking more and more like Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. They should give those two their own show. I'd watch. No surprise there.
  
  
• It's show time at the terrible fashion show. All the dudes look like Lindsay Lohan's spray-tanned ankles. Is that on purpose? And what the hell is the matter with Alex? Does he have social anxiety disorder? Can I catch it? Because I think I may have just caught it through my television. Awkward.
  
  
• The fashion show was a success...meaning it looked like chaos and I didn't understand one bit of it. Regardless, Whitney and Lauren got invited to some random restaurant to watch some trash-heap band play. Wait, is this whole crapisode just setting us up for Whitney's new show "The City?" Ok, I just got that. Carry on.
  
  
• Ugh. I HATE during the first commercial when they show those two twits from The Aftershow. This time around "Dan" is wearing a black and yellow flannel shirt that is 15 times too big for him and I also believe he has on Brent Crackhouse's top hat from the last episode. Dick. Oh, and do these two douche bags know they have on head-piece microphones AND they're also holding microphones? How in the hell many do they need? Someone cancel this show.
  
  
• The girls head out to Il Bastardo (or something) and Whitney is immediately stalking the lead singer of the band, Jay, who I believe is just the New York Justin Bobby, but apparently he's from Australia. Therefore, since I believe this guy will be in The City, I will now nickname him. Australia Jay who looks like a Justin Bobby will now be known as "Ozzy Bobby." Enjoy.
  
  
• Back on the left coast, Heidi and Steve Sanders head out some some crappy party and run into Brent Crackhouse. Steve Sanders goes over to confront Brent and Brent, I've decided, speaks in incomplete sentences. Listening to him speak is worse than trying to read this blog. It's all incomplete sentences. Brent tells Steve Sanders that he doesn't want to see Steve around his "stuff" anymore. Yeah you tell 'em Brent! Now take your toys and go the hell home.
  
  
• Is it just me or is watching Whitney flirt with Ozzy Bobby kinda like watching your sister try to make the moves on someone? This is something no one needs to see.
  
  
• Alex is in the background the entire time just watching Whitney talk to Ozzy Bobby. On one hand I feel bad for Alex because I'm always "the Alex" in these situations, but then on the other hand I don't feel bad for him because he's still a model and, well, I'm not. So screw him.
  
  
• Is everyone in this bar/restaurant creeptastic or what!? Everyone in the background is just watching Lauren and Whitney. I wish I was there. I would have been in the background screaming "Where's Lo?" "What happened to Heidi's dog?" "Are Audrina's teeth real?" And of course, "Are the Friends really friends?"
  
  
• Back in LA: Now does Brent see the cuecards that Heidi is reading from? Heidi thinks it's a great idea to speak with Brent and beg for her old job back. Is anyone buying this? I know I've said it before, but let's break it down one last time. Heidi makes $65,000 an episode on The Hills. That does not include appearances, her crappy fashion line, etc. All in all over the course of the year she's upwards of $1 million. At the highest level working at Crackhouse for Brent you're only making $65,000 and that's over the course of 1 year. So, again, who's buying that Heidi really needs her job back? I mean, I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb and once you give me a calculator I can figure all this stuff out.
  
  
• Oh, and Brent calls Heidi's boyfriend "a nightmare." I think he meant to say "The Hills." The Hills is a nightmare.
  
  
• At one point, Heidi actually asks for any job at Bolthouse. She'll take anything. Maybe she can work for Kimberly Bangs? That would be ironic. Oh, bring back Elodie for Christs sakes. Do it for the fans like they did on the new 90210 when they brought back Brenda, Kelly, and Nat.
  
  
• So it's official. It took 4 seasons, but it has finally happened. Whitney has officially been "Hillsified." Whitney has always been sweet, innocent, and nice, but clearly that's not going to make for an interesting season on "The City" so they officially gave Whitney douche-like qualities. She gives Alex the brush off at the bar so she can spend all her time with Ozzy Bobby and she makes him look like a complete tool on national television. Whitney must have been reading the Lauren playbook. I didn't think Whitney had it in her, but give her a set of breast implants and she's just as bad as the other skanks on the show.
  
  
• Whitney leaves without acknowledging Alex and walks up the street with Ozzy Bobby. I'm sure she was going down under at the end of the night. Oh come on, that was the layup joke.

Next week looks like another crapfest. Although, Tats Patridge is in the next episode so that's always entertaining.

What did you guys think of this weeks crapisode? Is Whitney just sassing it up for her new show? Did you like it better without the rest of the douche-bag bunch?

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The Hills Recap: Heidi's Drunk Fake Ass Gets Fake Fired from Fake Bolthouse. I'm Drunk Too!

Finally The Hills crapisode I've been waiting for every day for the past 7 days! In order to celebrate Heidi being a fake drunken skanked out mess and getting faux-fired from Crackhouse, I've decided to watch this crapisode of The Hills will a very nice beer buzz that's slowly turning itself into drunken-city! Watching The Hills any other way than drunk is just stupid. So, here's what went down on the latest and greatest episode of The Hells/Hills.

• Grab your scripted tissues and shed a scripted tear because Oddrina and her set of pearly whites are moving out of Lauren's multimillion dollar home. Lauren is shocked that Audrina is moving out so quickly....this weekend, in fact. Seriously? You expect me to believe this crap. Look, maybe the 14 year old girls who watch this show would believe that you could purchase a house within a week, but not me. Folks, it's not possible to look for a house, make an offer, have it accepted, have it inspected, and close all within a week. Perhaps Oddrina could have mentioned that she was buying a house during the lengthy "house buying process."


• Uh, it's been 14 seconds. Where is drunken Heidi?


• Hey they already used this song (I'm Not Over You) in the last season? WTF. Even the music people don't give a crap anymore about The Hills. Oh, and I'm adding that song back to my Myspace. Thanks Hills!


• Hey it's Heidi! Is she drunk? Heidi, are you drunk yet? Ugh, no not yet. Heidi and Bangs are waiting in front of the new club called 14 (I don't do Roman Numerals) and Brent Crackhouse and that really rich guy, Sam Nazarian, show up in one of those black Mercedes vans that looks like it's built out of the same stuff that the Pope-Mobile is built out of. You know those trucks that the middle eastern countries have that terrorists in white robes hide behind and throw rocks at each other from across the dirt road? Yeah, well, that kind of van. Just making sure we're all on the same page.


• Um, is the editing machine malfunctioning? Sam and Brent sound like they're giving a tour of the new club, but all I see is people moving glasses, walking into the kitchen, and stocking the bar. Ohhhh that bar! Is Heidi drunk yet? No? Ugh.


• Heidi will be "coordinating" this big event even though Sam called Heidi "her." Heidi will play Mrs Coordinator, because that's a cute name. Way to bring the feminist movement back 50 years, Heidi. Heidi continues to tell Bangs that she'll be inviting Spencer/Steve Sanders to the event tonight. She then continues to butcher Audrina's name by calling her Uhdrina. I prefer Oddrina or "Oddy" for short.


• Meanwhile back at Pubic Revolution, Whitney is forced, once again, to listen to Lauren talk about what's going on in her life, but not a moment before they try to find out if what Whitney is wearing is considered dorky. It's not so much "dorky" as it is "the standard shirt that a dental hygienist wears in the office." There's a difference. Know it. Love it. Embrace it.


• Whitney's big mistake is asking Lauren how she's doinK. It's just a simple question and LC opens up the flood gates. By the way, is half that conversation dubbed in or just a quarter of it? I'm not so good with math. And why the hell isn't Heidi drunk yet?


• Oddrina and Justin Bobby are on their speed date and she's telling J Bob about her new house that she found and bought in about 24 hours. Oddy explains that it's not too big and she loves it. Is she talking about her new house or her new boobs? I mean, because her new boobs are kinda too big. They almost look like they're going to make her shoulders cave in and pop off. That can happen, right? Anyboredom, Oddy continues her obsessive-low-self-esteem-hit-me-again-Ike behavior and asks J Bob if he wants to move in to which he basically replies, "let's just see how it goes." In other words, boys and girls, Justin Bobby just wants to bang Oddy in each room of her new house and then leave directly afterwards. Oddy will allow this because, let's face it, she's one fragile relationship away from being abused.


• HOLY HELL! How drunk am I? I'm seeing two Audrina's! Oh wait, that's just Oddrina's sister, Casey. Seriously with the tattoos? Are ya kidding me? I didn't think it was possible to have whiter teeth than Oddrina, but apparently Casey trumped her.


• While Teef Patridge is giving the tour of the house to Tats Patridge, Teef keeps talking about putting candles everywhere. At one point she even says she wants to put candles up the stairs. Yeah, that's a good idea. That doesn't sound like a fire hazard at all. Why not just kick flames into the wall as you walk down the stairs? God stop talking about all these candles! Her house is going to smell like God-forsaken Yankee Candle in the mall. I mean, sure, all the flames will keep the fruit flies away from her rotting vaginastein, but still. Too much.


• Question. Why didn't Parent's Patridge invest in braces for Teef and Tats? Their teeth are straight but they could have used a few more hours of the headgear to push those teeth back into their mouths.


• So why is LOser all contemplative about Oddrina moving out and it not working out the way they planned? LOser should be glad it didn't work out the way she planned because if it had LOser would have been serving 25-to-life in a maximum security all women's prison. P.S Their fish, Cleo, sucks.


• Hey it's Heidi again! Is she drunk yet? Hang on, Heidi, let me grab another beer! Ok, back. Drunk yet Heidi? Not yet? Ugh. Wait a second. Why is Heidi wearing her old hair from season 3? What happened to all those ugly waves in her hair? Was this filmed 2 years ago? I'm confused. Stop trying to trick me, damn it!


• Yay! Heidi is going to get a drink! Seriously? Tequila? Really? That's your drink of choice? STOP. Why didn't they show Heidi getting sauced? No fair? I wanted to watch the progression.


• Steve Sanders, Sandy Sanders, Teef and Tats Patridge, and Justin Bobby all show up to show their support of the script, the episode, and Heidi.


• Someone tell Heidi to stop looking into the camera.


• After the new Douche-Bag Bunch cheers for the 15th time, Heidi makes a little mistake with the cue cards. She first says, "I'm so wasted?" like she's asking a question. Then she says, "I'm so wasted" like she's stating a fact. You know she was squinting trying to read the cue cards and was like, I'm so wasted (????) I am? Really? Oh wait, I am! I'm so wasted! So drunk!
  
• Sam comes over to piss on Heidi's party and asks if she's working. In reply, she asks him if he's working. That's cute. Heidi is working, you d-bag. She working on a little show called "The Hills." You see, that job is the one that generates $65,000 an episode whereas the job in which she works for you at Crackhouse pays about $35,000 per year. Therefore, I'd put a little more effort into my higher paying job....as she is. Wow, did I just side with Heidi? Must be the liquor.


• What was up with Steve Sanders spooky smile when Heidi and Bangs walk away? I don't think it was so much an evil smile as it was just hard for him to drink a vodka drink. Pussy.


• So the "next day" back at Crackhouse, Brent is dressed like Ashlee Simpson and calls Bangs into his office or "fauxffice" as I will now call it. Bangs looks like she's ready to do projectile diarrhea out of her black dress. Bangs tries to not throw Heidi under the bus, but kinda does.


• Heidi and her new hair goes into Brent's fauxffice and gets fired in the most random way possible. Brent actually says...and I quote, "Get your stuff....get your bag...get your stuff....I'm firing you." Hahahahahahahhaah. Even Brent couldn't think of what to say. He's like, "Pack up your office? Oh wait that doesn't exist. Pack your bag? You came in with a bag, right?" Hahahah good times. He's like, "Put your apple in a bag and take the keys off your desk and get the hell out of here."


• Heidi gives that sad look on her face kinda like that time that Us Weekly ran pictures of Heidi sitting on a wooden chair in the middle of a walkway crying. Remember that? You know she was pulling from that experience to show the emotion of "sadness" whilst Brent was faux-firing her. Whatever will Heidi to do survive without her job? I bet she'll be on foodstamps by the end of the week. Oh, and by the way, Elodie would NEVER have done what Heidi did. Oh well, peace out Brent! Peace out Crackhouse.


• OH MY GOD! Oddrina is packing up all her stuff and LITERALLY just threw 3 boxes of toothpaste into a box! I F'n love it! You know that entire box was filled with just stuff for her teeth. You just know it!


• LC begrudgingly helps Oddrina pack up and give her some words of advice and reflection. Boring.


• Oddrina's moving truck is all packed up and the the three skanks hug goodbye. LC tears up a little, probably because all of her friends end up hating her and moving out and she's left with the boredom that is LOser.


• Bonus points for catching a glimpse of LOSers spandex shorts she's wearing under her ugly dress when LC and LOser are walking back into the house with their arms around each other.
  
• The end!

Well, once again I was a little disappointed. Overall the crapisode provided some laughs, but I was hoping and praying to Jesus Claus that Heidi would have been way more drunk. Next week Heidi works on her resume, which should be exciting.

P.S Apparently Oddrina was on that terrible Hills Aftershow, but upgraded her school-pictures background this week to a darker blue. Again, I would have pulled for the laser background, but that's just me.

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The Hills Recap: Brandy Adds Color to the Cast

Remember how much you loved playing Super Mario Brothers and you would play all the time and you were so excited when Super Mario Brothers 2 came out in stores and you would call Toys R Us 20 times per day seeing if they had it in yet and they were always sold out and after weeks you finally got Super Mario Brothers 2 and started to play it and you didn't love it because it was so different than Super Mario Brothers 1, but you played it anyway and realized the only real good thing about it was that you could pick up turnips from the ground and throw them, but you kept wishing for Super Mario Brothers 3 to come out and you prayed that it was more like Super Mario Brothers 1 because Super Mario Brothers 2 just really wasn't doing it for you and you faked how happy it made you because all your other friends seemed liked they liked it so much? Yeah, well that's what this season of The Hills is like for me. I'm waiting for the next one.

Here's what went down last night on The Hills:

• Wow someone turned the lights on at Audrina's job. Whatdaya know! Alanis/Chiara alerts her that Brandy is going to be in the studio today. She can't mean the singer Brandy because Brandy isn't white and The Hills does not allow non-white people on the show. It's like the first 6 seasons of "Friends." Frankie is lucky he even gets to be Brody's sidekick.
  
• Lauren and Sandy Sanders are in a fabric store holding a yardstick and talking about Sandy Sanders and her new lame boyfriend and how Cameron will protect her against Brody if he ever says anything to her. Boring. I get up to heat up some pizza from Saturday. Sure there's a risk I will be poisoned, but I'm up for the risk...especially if it will put me out of my misery instead of watching this.
  
• Brody Forgets He's White Alert!!: Brody and LC are sitting poolside discussing world events. Just kidding, they're talking about themselves and Sandy Sanders and Cameron. Brody is so angry about all of this, kinda like a big bitch on her period, and says that he wants Cameron to say something to him at the bar tonight so he can say to him, "Listen homie, why don't I pull you outside....." Really? Still thinking you're not white, huh Brod? Homie? Really? You're a rich kid from Malibu. I'm pretty sure we can stop the "street act." And who gives an F about Sandy and her BF, really? Stop being a huge girl over this or I'm going to start calling you "Broady." That's it. That's your name now. No turning back. Broady it is.
  
• LC pushed Broady in the pool. Damn it LC, Broady has her period! That's just gross! Now he's probably going to get a yeast infection. Thanks for nothing LC.
  
• Oh my God you guys...this episode is horrible. Help me. Someone help me! If anyone is out there, please help me!
  
• Oddrina and Corey are on a date. She talks about J Bob. Corey says "awesome." I die a little more inside.
  
• The D-Bag Bunch head out to Crown Bar. Sandy Sanders and Cameron show up first. Cameron looks like he's been either punched in the face of attacked by a cat. Cameron is a complete dud. He's actually a complete mix of Spencer and Justin Bobby. No joke. Creeptastic. He also looks like he's ready to mug Sandy Sanders any minute now. Serves her right, though, since she used to shoplift. It only makes sense that her boyfriend would rob her. I hope we get to see that.
  
• LOser shows up with some dude? Is that her boyfriend? Seriously what guy is putting up with LOser on a regular basis? She must have agreed to give oral pleasure to him 4 times a day. There's gotta be some contract she signed.
  
• Anyboredom, Broady shows up dressed like he's a backup dancer for Christina Aguilera and sits right in the middle of all the actionless action. Cameron, who was all talk earlier in the night about wanting to confront Broady is now sitting there in silence. Maybe they'll just have a dance-off and call it night. Sandy Sanders looks not only pissed that Cameron isn't randomly defending her, but also like she's ready to smoke a ham.
  
• Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! Viewers of the show, I must warn you...The Hills has not been hijacked. You are still watching an episode of The Hills, however, there are people in the scene right now who are not white. I repeat, they are not white. If you are going into convulsions, please dial 911 immediately.
  
• Singer/Song Writer/Actress/Driver Brandy is in the studio with Rodney Jerkins and crew recording some songs. Uh, unless she's singing "The Boy is Mine" with Monica or reenacting scenes from Moesha, I'm not interested. Ok, I'm a little interested. I'm a little interested because Audrina looks panicked. Imagine if when Oddrina was talking to Brandy all of a sudden she was just like, "Yo yo yo, Girrrrrrl!" I'd love it. Oddrina is a character actor so it wouldn't surprise me.
  
• Sidenote, why isn't Brandy's new album doing better? That first song was really good. That's it, I'm downloading Sitting Up in My Room when I'm done watching this and that's final.
  
• You have to be SHITTING me! Brandy is literally singing, beautifully might I add, and Audrina turns and starts talking to Alanis about Justin Bobby.....and then she LEAVES the studio to go see J Bob outside. Are you kidding me. Please tell me this is a joke. Brandy totally got the shaft. Who leaves an opportunity/experience like this? Oddrina does, that's who.
  
• So is Justin Bobby in a play? He looks like he's dressed for a skit. And what's up with his motorcycle helmet? I think that color is technically called, "Silvery Bedazzled." J Bob tells Oddrina that he didn't want to be "that guy" in Cabo. To translate for all you out there, that means that he relapsed and is now getting "help" again. He then tells Oddy that 90% of the time it's "right on" and he pretty much wants to be with her. Oddrina then hugs him because a girl suffering from such low self esteem can totally settle for some douche who tells her that he "pretty much" wants to be with her. After the hug I assume J Bob drives away with his sparkly silver helmet and heads off to robot dance camp.
  
• Ugh. This is all so f'n boring. I wonder if you can force yourself into a coma.
  
• Yowza! Chiara/Alanis is all wrapped up in this Oddrina and Justin Bobby situation. She won't let up about Oddrina not going back to J Bob. Seriously, Alanis? Why the hell do you care so much? Move on. Oddrina's dead inside.
  
• Wow, 3 minutes left in this horrific crapisode and all of a sudden Heidi and Steve Sanders show up for lunch with Sandy Sanders.
  
• Clearly the wind is pissing of Heidi because she fixes her hair the whole time like she's having withdrawals from meth. Sandy? Give her some advice, will ya?
  
• Ugh. Another boring date with Oddrina and Corey. She's a f'n idiot. He gives her a koala bear and in turn Oddrina basically gives him blue balls because she dumps him. Although I'm pretty sure they're dubbing in half that conversation because it sounds like any time Oddrina talks about "it not working out" it sounds like she's saying it from a hollow bathroom.
  
• Oh dear Jesus Claus! Does Corey shed a tear over this? Please tell me that didn't happen. I deny my citizenship. Someone just take it. Don't get me wrong, I'd be crying too, but I would be screaming, "No I want to still be on The Hills! Please! I don't want to leave The Hills!" Then I'd leave and go to Sandy Sanders because she, my friends, is what you call a "sure thing."

Finally it's over! I made it! I'm not dead! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I would have to say that this was the worst episode ever. Ever. Although, next week Heidi gets "drunk" and fired from Bolthouse. Uh oh! What ever will she do without a job in today's tough economy? Hopefully she'll get by on the $65,000 an episode she makes filming The Hills. Pray for her in her time of need.

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The Hills: The Douche Bag Bunch Goes to Cabo. Ole!

I believe we're halfway through the latest season of The Hills and to catch everyone up, not much is going on. I mean, episodes are happening and a lot of eye movements and facial expressions are happening, but that's about all. Here's what went down on the latest crapisode of The Hills:

• Woo hoo! Gas up the private jet that none of these donkeys deserve because the Douche Bag Bunch are headed to Cabo San Lucas Mexico! You know Frankie is psyched.


• Everyone appears to already be trashed within the first 4 seconds of this trip and we will come to find out that all stay this way for the entire episode. Perhaps this will be a good one after all. Oh, and Lauren says, "Weeeeeeeee" as the plane takes off. I'm sure that was edited too. She was probably really like, "Weeee....hate Justin Bobby" or "Weeeee are tools."


• Brody forgets he's actually white.


• What's up with Frankie? Has he stolen Lo's "Freshman 15?" Frankie must be a bit bloated from all those Corona's and Taco Bell. Meanwhile Lauren and Audrina are both sharing an iPod, which I can only assume is directly feeding them lines. Well that may not be entirely true. I'm sure Audrina's earphone is feeding her constant reminders such as, "Breathe in, breathe out. Blink. Swallow. Breathe in, breathe out. Blink. Yawn."


• Did everyone bring their drinks from the plane to the random mansion?


• Whoa. Holy alcohol abuse. Now Audrina and Lauren have beers in their hand whilst they frolic on the beach and in the water. Hopefully they're tipping their 40's to Heidi because that looks like the same beach that she was filming her video for Higher and chasing seagulls. I miss those damn seagulls. I miss them and me gusta them. Ole!


• All the guys are making Douche Soup and are soaking in the hot-tub with their trucker hats on (that went out in 2005) and Frankie, the big bitch that he is, decides to chat it up with the fella's on the Justin Bobby and Audrina situation. He spills the scripted beans that Audrina is giving dead eyes to some other guy named Cory. Justin Bobby seems so angry over this that he can barely mumble. Seriously? Frankie is doing anything it takes to become a series regular and break into that $10,000 an episode group. Sorry dude it's not gonna happen, but perhaps you can hold the boom mic for LOser? It may not pay a lot, but it has benefits and you won't have to travel to Cabo San Fajitas to see your doctor. Yowza! Ole!


• Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, America, Heidi and Sandy Sanders are shopping for products that will help hide their ugly and Sandy Sanders informs us all that she has a boyfriend. Oh Jesus, you can only imagine what this dude is going to be about. Why do I have a feeling that her "boyfriend" is really going to be Spencer with a wig on? Or Heidi's horse!?


• So now is Justin Bobby technically on Ecstasy while they're all having their fancy outdoor dinner? Because I'm pretty sure he is. I'm looking for a glowstick and a lollipop near his plate, but can't seem to find it yet. J Bob asks Audretard (new nickname I will sometimes use) if "that is real" and you know he was totally talking about her newly inflated rack. It takes a left turn and he's talking about this pathetic looking silk/cotton flower that's in her hair that she probably got from the Dollar Store directly next to a rack of car fresheners. Audretard tells Justin Bobbysocks that Cory gave her that beautiful flower. Wow, that dude spares no expense.


• Seriously, what is J Bob talking about. The Cabo mansion better have life resuscitating equipment because this dude is going to flatline. Oh, and can he stop calling Audretard "Dude." Unless she is a dude you never call the girl you like "dude."


• Frankie decides to toast Brody with tequila shots (how fitting) and tells Brody that he's the best friend anyone could have. Seriously Frankie, stop giving him a reach-around....you're not becoming a show regular. I'm just surprised Frankie isn't wearing a sombrero, blowing a whistle, pouring shots down their throats, shaking their heads for them and wearing one of those t-shirts that says: One tequila, Two tequila, Three tequila....FLOOR!


• Ole!


• DouK has a scripted surprise for Brody and brings the "sleezies," as Lauren calls them, to Brody's scripted birthday dinner. Holy Jesus Claus! Where in the hell did he find this troop of girls? There's no way this is real. These girls pretty much look like the maids at the Howard Johnson's Hotel next door from their mansion. I'm pretty sure one of them even walked in pushing a towel cart. Now's the time to ask for extra toilet paper and shampoo, guys!


• At one point Brody laughs and places his finger directly under his nose. To me, this either symbolizes that someone is getting a Dirty Sanchez or he's just reminding us to look for Lauren's mustache...which I did.....and it's still their.....glowing in the Mexican moonlight.


• P.S Which of these girls is Liz Gately?


• Priceless Alert: J Bob is slurring nonsense to the random ass dude next to him and the guy just literally laughs in his face. By the way, that random guy represents America's feeling towards J Bob.


• Here's come Santa Pubes, here comes Santa Pubes, right down Santa Pubes lane! Steve Sanders and Heidi are waiting at the restaurant for 40 minutes for their double date with Sandy Sanders and her new boyfriend. Steve Sanders grew out his Santa pubes beard especially for this dinner, clearly. I'm sure Heidi grew out hers. Oh!


• For the love of Mary Magdalen! Which dumpster did they pull Sandy Sander's boyfriend, Cameron, out of for this dinner scene?! He actually kinda looks like the dude from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Hopefully he takes a crap on her, too.


• This dinner is the worst. Steve Sanders tries to make funny jokes about everything that basically happened this season and tools on Sandy Sanders. He's like a middle school girl being a bitch to the other girls at her table in the cafeteria.


• Uh-oh! Justin Bobby has Audretard's flower in the pool and won't give it back. For the 15th time to J Bob, Audrina says her official, "Forget it, I'm done" to him. I'm sure "I'm done" is really code word for, "I'm ready to try it in the bum bum." Just a guess.


• Later, the two bring their drunken retarded fight into the kitchen, whilst they wear their sunglasses. J Bob is basically like, "I know you are but what am I?" Oh, and he's wearing Daisy Dukes. No joke. Horrific.


• Back on the mainland, Sandy Sanders goes to confront or "fauxfront" Steve Sanders while he "works out" outside by running up and down the stairs. I just think it's good that he's branching out and not sitting on that damn couch. Hopefully he's take a spill down those stairs and bust his Santa pubes beard. Anyone else notice that while she talks to Steve Sanders he's doing awkward stretches?


• The crapisode ends with Lauren giving more advice to Audrina in hopes that Audretard will become as miserable in life as Lauren. The end.


• Ole!

Sidenote, who saw The Aftershow? Talk about 30 more minutes of absolute piss. However, the best part was the scene from Whitney's new show, "The City." No, not because it looks good, but because there is some chick in it named Olivia who I already have fallen in love with. Anyone see her? Holy hell. That sends a message to Lauren about "this is how you should look on camera."

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