The Hills Recap: Heidi's Drunk Fake Ass Gets Fake Fired from Fake Bolthouse. I'm Drunk Too!

Finally The Hills crapisode I've been waiting for every day for the past 7 days! In order to celebrate Heidi being a fake drunken skanked out mess and getting faux-fired from Crackhouse, I've decided to watch this crapisode of The Hills will a very nice beer buzz that's slowly turning itself into drunken-city! Watching The Hills any other way than drunk is just stupid. So, here's what went down on the latest and greatest episode of The Hells/Hills.

• Grab your scripted tissues and shed a scripted tear because Oddrina and her set of pearly whites are moving out of Lauren's multimillion dollar home. Lauren is shocked that Audrina is moving out so quickly....this weekend, in fact. Seriously? You expect me to believe this crap. Look, maybe the 14 year old girls who watch this show would believe that you could purchase a house within a week, but not me. Folks, it's not possible to look for a house, make an offer, have it accepted, have it inspected, and close all within a week. Perhaps Oddrina could have mentioned that she was buying a house during the lengthy "house buying process."


• Uh, it's been 14 seconds. Where is drunken Heidi?


• Hey they already used this song (I'm Not Over You) in the last season? WTF. Even the music people don't give a crap anymore about The Hills. Oh, and I'm adding that song back to my Myspace. Thanks Hills!


• Hey it's Heidi! Is she drunk? Heidi, are you drunk yet? Ugh, no not yet. Heidi and Bangs are waiting in front of the new club called 14 (I don't do Roman Numerals) and Brent Crackhouse and that really rich guy, Sam Nazarian, show up in one of those black Mercedes vans that looks like it's built out of the same stuff that the Pope-Mobile is built out of. You know those trucks that the middle eastern countries have that terrorists in white robes hide behind and throw rocks at each other from across the dirt road? Yeah, well, that kind of van. Just making sure we're all on the same page.


• Um, is the editing machine malfunctioning? Sam and Brent sound like they're giving a tour of the new club, but all I see is people moving glasses, walking into the kitchen, and stocking the bar. Ohhhh that bar! Is Heidi drunk yet? No? Ugh.


• Heidi will be "coordinating" this big event even though Sam called Heidi "her." Heidi will play Mrs Coordinator, because that's a cute name. Way to bring the feminist movement back 50 years, Heidi. Heidi continues to tell Bangs that she'll be inviting Spencer/Steve Sanders to the event tonight. She then continues to butcher Audrina's name by calling her Uhdrina. I prefer Oddrina or "Oddy" for short.


• Meanwhile back at Pubic Revolution, Whitney is forced, once again, to listen to Lauren talk about what's going on in her life, but not a moment before they try to find out if what Whitney is wearing is considered dorky. It's not so much "dorky" as it is "the standard shirt that a dental hygienist wears in the office." There's a difference. Know it. Love it. Embrace it.


• Whitney's big mistake is asking Lauren how she's doinK. It's just a simple question and LC opens up the flood gates. By the way, is half that conversation dubbed in or just a quarter of it? I'm not so good with math. And why the hell isn't Heidi drunk yet?


• Oddrina and Justin Bobby are on their speed date and she's telling J Bob about her new house that she found and bought in about 24 hours. Oddy explains that it's not too big and she loves it. Is she talking about her new house or her new boobs? I mean, because her new boobs are kinda too big. They almost look like they're going to make her shoulders cave in and pop off. That can happen, right? Anyboredom, Oddy continues her obsessive-low-self-esteem-hit-me-again-Ike behavior and asks J Bob if he wants to move in to which he basically replies, "let's just see how it goes." In other words, boys and girls, Justin Bobby just wants to bang Oddy in each room of her new house and then leave directly afterwards. Oddy will allow this because, let's face it, she's one fragile relationship away from being abused.


• HOLY HELL! How drunk am I? I'm seeing two Audrina's! Oh wait, that's just Oddrina's sister, Casey. Seriously with the tattoos? Are ya kidding me? I didn't think it was possible to have whiter teeth than Oddrina, but apparently Casey trumped her.


• While Teef Patridge is giving the tour of the house to Tats Patridge, Teef keeps talking about putting candles everywhere. At one point she even says she wants to put candles up the stairs. Yeah, that's a good idea. That doesn't sound like a fire hazard at all. Why not just kick flames into the wall as you walk down the stairs? God stop talking about all these candles! Her house is going to smell like God-forsaken Yankee Candle in the mall. I mean, sure, all the flames will keep the fruit flies away from her rotting vaginastein, but still. Too much.


• Question. Why didn't Parent's Patridge invest in braces for Teef and Tats? Their teeth are straight but they could have used a few more hours of the headgear to push those teeth back into their mouths.


• So why is LOser all contemplative about Oddrina moving out and it not working out the way they planned? LOser should be glad it didn't work out the way she planned because if it had LOser would have been serving 25-to-life in a maximum security all women's prison. P.S Their fish, Cleo, sucks.


• Hey it's Heidi again! Is she drunk yet? Hang on, Heidi, let me grab another beer! Ok, back. Drunk yet Heidi? Not yet? Ugh. Wait a second. Why is Heidi wearing her old hair from season 3? What happened to all those ugly waves in her hair? Was this filmed 2 years ago? I'm confused. Stop trying to trick me, damn it!


• Yay! Heidi is going to get a drink! Seriously? Tequila? Really? That's your drink of choice? STOP. Why didn't they show Heidi getting sauced? No fair? I wanted to watch the progression.


• Steve Sanders, Sandy Sanders, Teef and Tats Patridge, and Justin Bobby all show up to show their support of the script, the episode, and Heidi.


• Someone tell Heidi to stop looking into the camera.


• After the new Douche-Bag Bunch cheers for the 15th time, Heidi makes a little mistake with the cue cards. She first says, "I'm so wasted?" like she's asking a question. Then she says, "I'm so wasted" like she's stating a fact. You know she was squinting trying to read the cue cards and was like, I'm so wasted (????) I am? Really? Oh wait, I am! I'm so wasted! So drunk!
  
• Sam comes over to piss on Heidi's party and asks if she's working. In reply, she asks him if he's working. That's cute. Heidi is working, you d-bag. She working on a little show called "The Hills." You see, that job is the one that generates $65,000 an episode whereas the job in which she works for you at Crackhouse pays about $35,000 per year. Therefore, I'd put a little more effort into my higher paying job....as she is. Wow, did I just side with Heidi? Must be the liquor.


• What was up with Steve Sanders spooky smile when Heidi and Bangs walk away? I don't think it was so much an evil smile as it was just hard for him to drink a vodka drink. Pussy.


• So the "next day" back at Crackhouse, Brent is dressed like Ashlee Simpson and calls Bangs into his office or "fauxffice" as I will now call it. Bangs looks like she's ready to do projectile diarrhea out of her black dress. Bangs tries to not throw Heidi under the bus, but kinda does.


• Heidi and her new hair goes into Brent's fauxffice and gets fired in the most random way possible. Brent actually says...and I quote, "Get your stuff....get your bag...get your stuff....I'm firing you." Hahahahahahahhaah. Even Brent couldn't think of what to say. He's like, "Pack up your office? Oh wait that doesn't exist. Pack your bag? You came in with a bag, right?" Hahahah good times. He's like, "Put your apple in a bag and take the keys off your desk and get the hell out of here."


• Heidi gives that sad look on her face kinda like that time that Us Weekly ran pictures of Heidi sitting on a wooden chair in the middle of a walkway crying. Remember that? You know she was pulling from that experience to show the emotion of "sadness" whilst Brent was faux-firing her. Whatever will Heidi to do survive without her job? I bet she'll be on foodstamps by the end of the week. Oh, and by the way, Elodie would NEVER have done what Heidi did. Oh well, peace out Brent! Peace out Crackhouse.


• OH MY GOD! Oddrina is packing up all her stuff and LITERALLY just threw 3 boxes of toothpaste into a box! I F'n love it! You know that entire box was filled with just stuff for her teeth. You just know it!


• LC begrudgingly helps Oddrina pack up and give her some words of advice and reflection. Boring.


• Oddrina's moving truck is all packed up and the the three skanks hug goodbye. LC tears up a little, probably because all of her friends end up hating her and moving out and she's left with the boredom that is LOser.


• Bonus points for catching a glimpse of LOSers spandex shorts she's wearing under her ugly dress when LC and LOser are walking back into the house with their arms around each other.
  
• The end!

Well, once again I was a little disappointed. Overall the crapisode provided some laughs, but I was hoping and praying to Jesus Claus that Heidi would have been way more drunk. Next week Heidi works on her resume, which should be exciting.

P.S Apparently Oddrina was on that terrible Hills Aftershow, but upgraded her school-pictures background this week to a darker blue. Again, I would have pulled for the laser background, but that's just me.

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