Like Attracts Like. Tyra Brings the Crazies.

Oh where to begin? Where. To. Begin. After I came across (not literally) the picture of Jaslene, I ended up digging up some pictures of Tyra and her gang of lunatics at the Oxygen Media Launch Party for "America's Next Top Model: Obsessed." Yeah. Doesn't that already exist? Isn't it already called "All Day Saturday's and Sunday's on MTV and Vh1?" I'm pretty sure they're more obsessed with ANTM than any other channel possible. But I digest.

Tyra brought out her fiercest pose and not only smiled with her eyes, but smiled with her boobs as well...which I believe is first. Next up, Whitney (the plus-sized Anna Nicole Smith lookalike) posed on the red carpet in a way that made me feel like she was about to "release #2" right there on the spot. I would have paid top dollar to hear her say, "You want some monnnney? You want a Viperrrrrr?" Oh well. Finally we have Ms. J who, of course, is inexplicably wearing Mikey Mouse ears to go along with his suit and tie. Thankfully, he reminded us of exactly what Tyra's vaginastein looks like. Just when you think you forget....you remember.


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Who Gets Kicked in the Vagina?

So you remember how that really fat chick from Hairspray and her dad got into a physical fight in a Caribbean airport with that really mean chick from America's Next Top Model (who used to pick on the chick with aspergers) and her mom? Yeah, well now that really mean chick, Bianca, has taken to the Tyra Banks Show to discuss just what went down on that crazy day. Here's the report according to People Magazine but please make sure to take notice of the part where Bianca says that Nickki Blonsky kicked her mother in the vagina. Pure comedy.

Golden says on the Oct. 8 episode of The Tyra Banks Show that her family was at the Turks & Caicos airport on July 29 returning from a family reunion for her dying grandfather when Nikki Blonksy became "very rude to my aunt."

An argument erupted between Blonsky's and Golden's families, then Blonsky's father Carl "punched my mom." "He knocked her out," says Golden. "He hit my mom with such force she stumbled back and when she stumbled back the whole family got up and attacked my mom."

Then, when her mother was on the ground, Nikki "takes her foot and kicks my mom in her vagina, and that's when my mom fell out completely," says Golden. "When Nikki kicked my mom I went and grabbed her arm and she grabbed my earring," says she. "Her mom sat on her to get her off of me cause her mom saw what was happening and that was that."

Golden says her mother was airlifted to the hospital with internal bleeding, a broken nose and a fractured skull. "Her face is still black and blue," she says.

Carl and Nikki Blonsky and Golden were all arrested on assault charges – the most serious charges against Carl.

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Ohhhh Tyra is Going to be PISSED!

If you don't know by now because you're too busy reading about gas prices, banks closing, businesses filing for Chapter 11, and political bullcrap, Britney Spears will be releasing her new single soon called, "Womanizer." With that comes all sorts of crazy people trying to leak the song and show what the cover will look like. Just wait for it. Who the F cares?! Well, the latest leak was the above cover, but it has now proven to be fake and, more importantly, it's been a rip-off of Tyra Banks from America's Next Top Model. You wanna be on top? Well don't F over Tyra. That's the rule. You totally know that Tyra will find a way to incorporate this into a future episode of ANTM. She'll tell the model girls about how she was a victim of identity theft or some shit.

I wonder what the actual promo cover will look like? I think it would be AWESOME if it was of Britney with the shaved head and umbrella attacking that SUV. She should totally do it. I'm sure she can laugh about it now. No? Not yet? Ok, well give it another year. Maybe for her Christmas album in 2009.

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Tyra's Losing Modeling Contracts Because She's Forgetting How to Model, Not Because Celebrities Are Taking Them. There, I Said It!

Sometimes I put everything I want to say in my blog title, you know, for sport. I can't get enough Tyra I don't care that her ass is saturating the market. More Tyra please. This time around Tyra is shooting Italian Vogue's "Black Issue" around NYC because, clearly, nothing is more black and Italian quite like the streets of NYC? Perhaps she should have been holding an eggplant parmigiana sub. Mmm, I want one now.

Anybanks, Tyra is all bullshits and giggleless giggles because Tyra says, "I think all supermodels now are losing out to celebrities. It's celebrities getting all the cosmetics contracts."

Oh no she just did not! Tyra, oh my Tyra, being a supermodel is a made up title similar to "Christian" or "good." Nobody is any of those things. And perhaps you're just losing out on some of these contracts because you're forgetting how to model. See above pictures. Tyra may teach "smiling with your eyes 101" but she's failing to really connect with the camera in these shots. So....did I convince you I knew what I was talking about? Oh I don't care how Tyra photographs. She'll always be tits on a stick to me. Pip pip!

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Tyra's Fat Ass Saved a Life

Tyra. For some reason, of which I am not intelligent enough to understand, Tyra Banks is not only on the cover of the new Bazaar Magazine, but is also inside the magazine dressed up like Michelle Obama and playing "first lady" in the Oval Office with a pretend Barack Obama and a little girl under the desk, who I can only assume is Ms. J. Tyra. Oh, and Tyra.

Tyra. Tyra has been getting some heat for these photos, but I say that the people who should be getting the heat are those who do not know and understand that Tyra makes everything about her. Everything. I understand Tyra so much I actually overstand her. Tyra.

Tyra. Oh, and Tyra. In the article that accompanies these kick ass photos Tyra talks about a time when her fat ass literally saved a life. The Bazaar interviewer was discussing with Tyra about the time when photos of her in a swimsuit surfaced on the Interwebs and people made fun of her for not looking so thin, to which Tyra responded that everyone could "kiss her fat ass." Oh the memories! Tyra.

According to the interview Tyra said, "I had a woman come up to me when I was seeing Rent once. She told me she was going to commit suicide until she saw that show. I held her hand and cried with her in the aisle. I get that kind of stuff; it doesn't stop."

Tyra saved my life too, actually. Well she didn't so much save it, as make it better. Tyra's fat ass inspired me to keep up this blog. Tyra. Oh, and Tyra.

But Tyra isn't all about fat asses, she also discusses what she would be like if she were first lady. In typical America's Next Top Model judging panel discussion, Tyra says about having the Jackie Kennedy flipped up hairdo: "Nooo, my question isn't to flip or not to flip. Mine would be to weave or not to weave."

And when asked what her secret service codename would be: "KMFA: Kiss My Fat Ass."

Funny, that's my ATM code.

I'm not making any of this up. As much as I make fun of Tyra on a semi-regular basis how can you not like her? Tyra.

P.S. Tyra.

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