Kanye West Sings on Saturday Night Live the Same Exact Way I Would Sing on Saturday Night Live

Yow and yowza! So who got the privilege of seeing Kanye West ruin music on Saturday Night Live over the weekend? I did! I did! This is basically how I would sound if I were to sing in public, which now assures me that I clearly have what it takes to break into the music industry and take Motown by storm!

Kayne, of course, is getting a lot of crap for how horrific he performed, but if we all stop and think about it, even listening to "Love Lockdown" on the radio doesn't really sound that great either. It was a little pitchy, dog. But don't get me wrong, while Kanye appears to be an ass, I'm actually a huge fan of his music and, particularly, Love Lockdown. I actually just downloaded "All Falls Down" on iTunes, so even butchering music can still make Kanye money.

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Celebrities are Just Like Us! They Can Smoke in the Airport!

The 2 visions of pure beauty, Lindsay No Pants and Samantha Rotten are back from their tour of the cultural country called Miami. Linds and Sam were in Miami because Sam had to DJ (not Tanner) an event, but just 16 hours later they were heading back to Los Angeles. What a treat. Sam, of course, was dressed in her traditional Freddie Kruger sweater, which you know must have ring-around-the-collar by now. And Lindsay sported the same black leggings that must smell like a cat who's recently been run over by a 16-seat yellow school bus and left for dead on the side of the road during a summer rain storm.

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12 Days of Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 7th Day of Christmas...

On the 7th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 "Diva Las Vegas" Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 7th Day of Christmas: Does decorating your Christmas tree typically seem like it just goes too fast? Do you want to slow down the decorating process by about 46 hours? Well, you're in luck because now you can put your fishing skills to use by placing each ornament on your Christmas tree with what appears to be a fishing rod. After you carefully hang the ornament on the end of your Christmas Rod, simply find the branch you want (watch that shaking hand and trembling arm) and slowly, very slowly, place that beautiful gold ornament (from Walgreens) on the branch. It doesn't matter you can barely see the branch from where you're standing or the fact that the ornament keeps sliding off the branch. Just keep trying. After you've attempted this a minimum of 29 times, try another branch and repeat the process. For extra family time fun, give this Christmas Rod to Grandma who's suffering from Parkinson's. You and the kids will be squealing with delight by watching Grandma fumble through and entire box of ornaments! Don't worry about the broken ones that smashed off the ground, the new puppy can lick that up! Ho-ho-huh?

...and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!

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Whose Italian Grandmother Threw Their Shoe at President Bush?

Seriously? A shoe? Really? Why not just try to bitch slap him with a white dinner glove?

President Bush made a surprise farewell visit to Baghdad over the weekend and whilst giving, what I can only assume was, a very articulate speech an angry man stood up and threw his shoe at the President. Luckily it didn't hit Bush as he smiled and held up his hand, doing his best "Stop in the name of love" impression.

I'm surprised the man who threw the shoe didn't go into full "Italian grandmother" mode and chase President Bush around the podium with his slipper and/or a rolling pin. Toss in a few rollers in his hair, a bathrobe, and a cup of coffee and you've got yourself a complete 1960's sitcom. To the moon, Bush!

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Lindsay Lohan and the Case of the Holiday Ghost Boobs

It's been a while since we've been graced with celebrity ghost boobs, but finally the one to bring back that hip style is none other than Ms. Lindsay No Pants. Linds, who must be stealing Samantha Rotten's Freddie Kruger jackets, was leaving el doctor in Beverly Hills (90210) yesterday afternoon when the mix of natural lighting, camera flashes, and cheap black shirt material provided us with the classic ghost boob look that we've all come to love. Frightful, Lindsay. Frightful.

In other Lohan news, apparently her multicolored leggings line is "all the rage" with "the kids" and has been flying off the shelves. Flying, running, same thing. Lindsay's freckleless leggings are selling for $45-$132 a pair. So, kids, update your letters to Santa because in today's tough fiscal climate, you're dirt-bag parents are going to have any extra money so that you can live up to all that is "Lindsay Lohan." Merry Holiday!

Oh, and PS, of course someone stole my "ghost boobs" idea and created http://www.ghostboobs.com/. Oh, and they even used 2 of my own ghost boob created photos. That is not my site....just my ideas. Jerks.

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Hey That's My Olsen!

Hey, that's my Olsen! I'm not sure which Olsen this actually is, so I'm going to guess it's the secret triplet Olsen named "Shecky." Shecky Olsen attended The Cinema Society's Screening of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Boring. I think it's more interesting if Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was attending the "Michelle Tanner Finds Multiple Reasons to Not Sleep in Her Big Girl Bed Until Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey, and Danny Tanner Sing "Teddy Bear" to Her via Bad Elvis Impersonations" screening. Just me? Crickets?

To be honest, if I ever saw this Olsen at night in an alley I would just throw her my wallet and run the other way.

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This Time Last Year: I Love Making Tylenol

Happy Friday. Let's take a look into what IBBB was blogging about this time last year....

I love making Tylenol. I love making Tylenol. Oh yeah? What in the holy hell are up with these Tylenol commercials. For me, these commercials drive me almost as crazy as the Sally "I'm better than you for taking Boniva" Field Boniva commercials. The commercial, if you haven't seen it, consists of Tylenol "employees" telling the camera just how much they love making Tylenol. One lady is like, "I love making Tylenol, I put love in Tylenol." Really? Love? How about just putting the ingredients in the bottle, is that ok? I'm all set with you putting your "love" into the Tylenol. Does that mean you're dipping your "gentlemen greeter" into the bottle? How does that work? Anyway, they also try to get "real with the people" with one lady saying, "I love making Tylenol, uh-huh honey." These people are psyched to be making Tylenol. In fact, they're too happy to be making Tylenol. Jesus even the Dunkin Donuts guy (Fred) who had the fun job of making donuts everyday would say, "Time to make the donuts" and he'd say it with his head down. These freaks are making Tylenol and are hi-fiving over it.

I love making Tylenol. I want to make love to my Tylenol. I'm making love to my Tylenol. My Tylenol doesn't mind, it likes it. I just proposed to my Tylenol. My Tylenol and I are getting married. Perverts. The following are pretty much the only employees that should be loving their job:

Beer makers
Porn stars
Bakers
Gynecologists (just saying)

Now make a commercial saying that. I love beer. I love making beer. I love porn. I love making love. I love cookies. I love baking cookies. I love vagina's. I love seeing gentlemen greeters. See, that all makes sense. I love Tylenol. I love making Tylenol? Not so much.

I'm done.

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