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Friday, October 24, 2008

Stop Teasing Us and Just Use the Gun Already!



First of all if you're not going to play "Murder/Suicide" than I don't want to see these pictures. Second of all, I don't care why these pictures were actually taken...there is no part of me that believes that Heidi Montag can read more than 4 words (boobs, nose, chin, lips). Third of all, I'm waiting for the pictures in which Spencer/Steve Sanders finishes that 6 pack of WhiteTrasheiser bottles and pummels the ever living pee pee out of Chin Montag.

Stuff her body in that blue bag and then the both of you can jump off that cliff behind you.

I'm just playing. Keep doing The Hills. Thanks.

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Kristin Cavallari Still Kicking Around



My backup girlfriend, Kristin Cavallari, was all smiles and open mouth on the red carpet at the launch party (not to be confused with Lunch Party) for "Rare" from Nicole Maloney. I'm not sure what 3 of those words in that last sentence mean. Alas, who gives 6 craps?

Remember the good old days when Laguna Beach was on and it seemed real? Or at least I thought it seemed real. And I would feel like a Diddler in Training because I used to sweat Kristin and LC. I mean, sure they were about 15 but in some countries 15 year old girls are prostitutes and tap dance for gum. Well, that's my argument at least. That'll be all.

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This Time Last Year: Paris Hilton and Halloweenie




Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Paris Hilton and Halloweenie...this time last year...

Happy Skankerween! A walking STD never looked so spookstacular! Paris Hilton has the most creative Halloween costume. Ahoy, whories! The SS Hilton is sure to go down at every house she stops by this Halloween season. Being on her knees bobbing for apples has never come in handy more than for this time of year. I mean, how she stuffed her little boy boobs into that anchor bra is a treat in itself. It's the great whore-bag, Charlie Brown! Ok, I am 100% out of bad Halloween jokes.

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Heidi Klum Bakes Stuff

Well F me! Heidi Klum bakes stuff. Wow. Heidi has recently said, "Last night I made my first pumpkin pie." To which the other person responded, "Your boobs, Miss, show us your boobs."

Fine, that part I made up, but if you love hearing about Heidi making a pie you should totally check out the entire action packed article over at Us Weekly.


P.S --> We're at war.

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

America's Next Top Model Recap: Who's Going to Amsterdam!?

Poor Jenny is still being forced, by law, to recap America's Next Top Model. It's mandated community service hours. Here's what went down last night on ANTM:
  • The show opens with the girls fighting over the European chicks. They say nobody understands what it's like to be European. One of the other girls calls them out and says "didn't you move to America when you were eight?" This leads to tears. Mine.
  • The Bobbsey Twins show up to teach the girls how to work accessories. Evidently, you don't just wear them. Per James St. James, (what is this guy?) you wear green spandex over your face and body (kinda like green man from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia).
  • What a cast of characters we have showing up today...I can't type fast enough to keep up with this. Nony Tochterman is here. She has the hair of a 76 year old woman who just got her hair "set" for the week at the salon---except it's pink. She seriously looks like a character from an SNL skit. Remember that crazy lady with all the medication that Cheri Oteri played? Yeah.
  • For the challenge the girls are going to model Crazy McNutcase's clothing line...with special effects...The girls are going to disappear, revealing only the clothes. I hope these effects are better than the cartoon lightning bolts from Tyra's Megatron machine in the season opener.
  • The winner gets to be in a holiday photo shoot in the December issue of Seventeen Magazine. I say the winner should be allowed to reappear after the fashion show, while all the losers remain invisible for the remainder of the season.
  • PS- James St. James is literally wearing a white stegosaurus blazer.
  • Time for the s#it show! I mean, fashion show. Marjorie's dress fell off and she didn't even notice. This tells me quite a bit about Marjorie and what she's like on a Saturday night.
  • Elina wins the challenge. Ok. Boring.
  • Another fight breaks out at the house because a girl is using teriyaki sauce and someone else uses a Chinese accent. It's not the Asian girls that gets angry though, it's the European girls. Why are they involved in this? No substitutions!
  • Whitney, the cycle 10 winner pops up for the Cover Girl commercial. Analeigh is psyched...She says "This is huge!" Better not let Tyra hear you talk about plus sized models like that Analeigh, or she will tell you to KISS HER FAT ASS!
  • I still don't understand why they are allowed to show people's puke on TV. When did this happen? Disgusting.
  • What the hell? Tyra just busted out wooden clogs for the girls to runway walk in. They are seriously like clown shoes. The wheels have officially fallen off this show.
  • Oh God. They are wearing clogs because they going over to seas to AMSTERDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!! All hell breaks loose as a cartoon windmill and kissing dutch boys/girls show up on the screen. Tyra is waving flags and the Bobbsey Twins are dressed up as windmills and prancing across the stage.
  • After the gleeful festivities, Tyra announces that not everyone is going to Amsterdam. Couldn't she have had the Amsterdam party AFTER elimination? That's like taking the cake and ice-cream out of the kid's hand and kicking him out of the birthday party.
  • Which of the girls is NOT going to Amsterdam? Alina (a European chick) and Joslyn are in the bottom two. Tyra starts up with the trigonometry, telling us that there are 2 girls and only one photo in her hands. European chick is going to Amsterdam and Joslyn is going........home......
  • See y'all in Amsterdam. Konichiwa bitches!
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

...In Other News...

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Olivia Palermo from The City.....Peace Out Lauren!




Ugh! Stalking people is absolutely exhausting! After seeing a craptastic pukeview of Whitney's new reality show, "The City" I immediately fell in love with a new "character" who had about 4 seconds of airtime. There haven't been sweeter words ever whispered than "Hi, I'm Olivia." After I picked up my perverted jaw I immediately took to "The Google" to find out just who this chick was. Here's what I discovered:

Her name is Olivia Palermo and she's considered some sort of New York City socialite. Sweet. I immediately assume she's a complete douche bag, but let's just call it like it is....I always fall for people with douchey qualities. Always. She's right up my alley and, hopefully, I'll be right up hers. And by "hers" I am, of course, talking about her "Hoo Hee Hoo Ha Ha Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang."

I've taken the following stalking steps. I found Olivia Palermo's myspace page and requested her as a friend. Cha Ching. Get in early and get in often. I have now set up this blog post as a trap in hopes (and assumptions) that she is d-baggy enough to Google her own name and hopefully she will find me. She will, of course, fall for my charming writing style and wonderful wit, and then will cruise on over to my myspace page and send me a delightful message. I mean, sure she has a boyfriend, but what the F ever. I can hold out.

So, talk to you soon Olivia....or should I call you by your future name....Olivia BloggingBack. It has a nice ring to it.

P.S--> I'm broke as a joke and blog for fun....so I hope your expectations aren't too high.

P.P.S --> I've added a photo of Kelly CUNTrone for all the Olivia haters who will email me to tell me that "she's not that hot." Kelly only makes Olivia BloggingBack even hotter. Tilt!
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
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