2 Minute Recaps: You Totally Know Rachel is Getting Trashed

Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday," watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out the explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Ghetto Watermelon Mojitos.

• This 2 Minute Chef isn't even that great, but the fact that my favorite FMC, Rachel, is "cooking" mojitos is, well, more than I as a loser blogger can take. Therefore, I will be stooping to a new level of "low" and basically just picking Rachel apart. Thank Christ I am perfect.


• This time around, Rachey-Poops is sporting a very fancy cooking dress and I'm almost certain she stole this dress pattern from a 1982 Howard Johnson's Motel on Rt 1, Saugus, Massachsettes. Clearly, wearing bedspreads is all the rage.


• Why won't Rachel cut her Dina Lohan hair? It looks like she showers, let's half of it air-dry, and then brushes the rest with a pitch-fork. Luckily her ginormous rack-attack takes away from the hair area. I ponder if the downstairs hair is as long as the upstairs hair. I consider writing in a letter to 2 Minute Chef, but have already hit my monthly quota on restraining orders.


• Back to the task at hand. Chef Mario really classed things up and brought out the 1987 white blender. I'm certain the blade at the bottom is all rusty, so hopefully they provide tetanus shots with each drink.


• Ok no joke, Chef Mario LITERALLY pours in about 16 cups of sugar into the blender and then tells Rachel that he's added about 1 1/2 to 2 tablespoons of sugar. Rachel, of course, believes him as they covered "measurements" in 4th grade and Rachel dropped out of school halfway through 3rd grade....allegedly.


• They finish off the ghetto mojito with a can of Sprite. Seriously what white-trash drink recipe is this? You know Rachel is getting shit-house off of these at the next family Christmas party. Everyone else will, of course, be dressed up and sober and Rachel will start grinding with old Uncle Pete and squeezing Auntie Petunia's boobies and asking if they're real. All in a days work at a Platt family holiday.


• Rachel wants to stick a straw in the blender and drink directly from it. Honestly, is anyone surprised? I'm not. I also wouldn't be surprised when Rachel farts up a storm after each drink.


• Rachey tries to be all sexy when she asks Chef Mario how much he wants (in regards to alcohol). The way she says it is totally the same way she probably negotiated her deal with the Harriet Carter catalog. She walks into Harriet Carter's corporate offices and asks them how much they want. She is, of course, tits-to-the-wind whilst asking.


• The drink is finally prepared and has chunks of ice it that I'm sure Rachel won't choke on as she is experienced with swallowing. Read into that any which way you'd like.


• Sure this recap crapped the bed, but if the tape kept on rolling imagine the things we would have seen. I would have placed both hands into the blender to stop the pain.

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