Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday y'all (that's southern for "you all)! Due to my new website being hijacked and me trying to bitch slap the flu like Ike did to Tina, Harriet Carter Wednesday has suffered. Well, dry your red eye because HCW is back like a flair up of the herpes virus. This week some little Bindi Irwin lookin' mother f'er tries to sass an oncoming truck, Harriet turns a coffee filter into a cleavage blocker, and pranks your ass...literally. Let's go!
Product # 1 - Give it the gas. Seriously. If I ever saw some little bitch, in the middle of the night, who was missing one shoe, on a little boys bike, giving me a "talk to the hand" whilst I was trying to leave my own driveway I would just gun it and run the skank down. I'd then tie her to the roof like a deer and mount her on my living room wall with a sign underneath her that said, "Should've Been Studying." But that's just me. You may react differently to a little girl on a bike. Anyhuffy, what's this girl doing riding her bike in the middle of the night anyway? And where are her parents? Probably in a meth lab, I'd assume. And where is her other shoe? I have many questions. Not for nothing, but stay the hell out of my driveway. No really, get off my private property before I call the police. Perhaps she didn't see my "Beware of Dog" sign I have plastered all over the place. She's so rude. We're in a fight. Oh, and where's her helmet? I mean if I'm going to hit her with my truck I don't want to give her "the brain damage" I just want to scare her, you know, and teach her a lesson about private property.
Product # 2 - "Honey, did you wash my Modesty Panel? Yeah, Modesty Panel. Did you wash it, because I can't seem to find it. My Modesty Panel? No? You didn't? Never mind, I found it. It was in the drawer next to my faux-dickie." Seriously, a "Modesty Panel?" Is there a name any less sexy than "Modesty Panel?" It looks like some little 2nd grader cut a coffee filter into a heart shape and then used chalk to draw flowers on it for an "arts and crafts" Valentine's Day project. Who's wearing something like this? I want names! Whatever happened to the days when women would allow their rack to peek out the top of their low cut sweaters? Those were the good old days. Simpler times. Happier times before the recession. Let me give you a little advice. If you're trying to camouflage your rack, you should just stay home and knit. Knit and knit and knit....you know...for your cats? Knit them little cat sweaters and little cat hats and then take pictures of them and add them to your myspace page with funny little captions like, "Meowy Meowerson's First Day of School" and "A Life Without Cats...I Don't Think So!" Look, the economy is in the crapper and your rack is all we have left, so throw out this Modesty Panel and release the beast within.
Product # 3 - Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's me faux-laughing at your toilet paper prank. The "Don't P Me Off Toilet Paper Holder" prank isn't a laughing matter. In fact, if I was ever at your house using your bathroom and couldn't get to the toilet paper, you know what I would do? I'd use your nice "for company only" white towels that are folder ever-so-nicely on your shelf. I'd also press my ass up against your wall and just jump and down until I could write my name on your wall in crap smears. I'd also jump backwards into your wall so that I was leaving "crap kisses" all over the place. So, you still think it's funny to try to "prank me" with your toilet paper puzzle? Yeah I didn't think so either.
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Product # 1 - Give it the gas. Seriously. If I ever saw some little bitch, in the middle of the night, who was missing one shoe, on a little boys bike, giving me a "talk to the hand" whilst I was trying to leave my own driveway I would just gun it and run the skank down. I'd then tie her to the roof like a deer and mount her on my living room wall with a sign underneath her that said, "Should've Been Studying." But that's just me. You may react differently to a little girl on a bike. Anyhuffy, what's this girl doing riding her bike in the middle of the night anyway? And where are her parents? Probably in a meth lab, I'd assume. And where is her other shoe? I have many questions. Not for nothing, but stay the hell out of my driveway. No really, get off my private property before I call the police. Perhaps she didn't see my "Beware of Dog" sign I have plastered all over the place. She's so rude. We're in a fight. Oh, and where's her helmet? I mean if I'm going to hit her with my truck I don't want to give her "the brain damage" I just want to scare her, you know, and teach her a lesson about private property.
Product # 2 - "Honey, did you wash my Modesty Panel? Yeah, Modesty Panel. Did you wash it, because I can't seem to find it. My Modesty Panel? No? You didn't? Never mind, I found it. It was in the drawer next to my faux-dickie." Seriously, a "Modesty Panel?" Is there a name any less sexy than "Modesty Panel?" It looks like some little 2nd grader cut a coffee filter into a heart shape and then used chalk to draw flowers on it for an "arts and crafts" Valentine's Day project. Who's wearing something like this? I want names! Whatever happened to the days when women would allow their rack to peek out the top of their low cut sweaters? Those were the good old days. Simpler times. Happier times before the recession. Let me give you a little advice. If you're trying to camouflage your rack, you should just stay home and knit. Knit and knit and knit....you know...for your cats? Knit them little cat sweaters and little cat hats and then take pictures of them and add them to your myspace page with funny little captions like, "Meowy Meowerson's First Day of School" and "A Life Without Cats...I Don't Think So!" Look, the economy is in the crapper and your rack is all we have left, so throw out this Modesty Panel and release the beast within.Product # 3 - Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's me faux-laughing at your toilet paper prank. The "Don't P Me Off Toilet Paper Holder" prank isn't a laughing matter. In fact, if I was ever at your house using your bathroom and couldn't get to the toilet paper, you know what I would do? I'd use your nice "for company only" white towels that are folder ever-so-nicely on your shelf. I'd also press my ass up against your wall and just jump and down until I could write my name on your wall in crap smears. I'd also jump backwards into your wall so that I was leaving "crap kisses" all over the place. So, you still think it's funny to try to "prank me" with your toilet paper puzzle? Yeah I didn't think so either.www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Product #1 - Hey there ugly ladies on a budget! Don't have hundreds of dollars for a microdermabrasion? Do you have $19.95 in your pocket? No? Well can you do about 10 $2 dollar "sucky sucky's" on the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street? Well if you answered "yes" or even "what the hell are you talking about" to any of these questions, boy does Harriet Carter have the product for you. Now, in the privacy of your own home, you can give yourself your very own microdermabrasion! I know what you're thinking, "But IBBB, I can't even cut my sandwich evenly, how could I ever scrub all the ugly off my face evenly?" Great question, trash. It's really trial and error, so just work one side of your face with this scrubber until you barely look like your old, ugly, beat down, taken one to many "shots" to the face, self and then try to mimic it on the other side. Once the blood starts the "trickling" process, you've scrubbed enough away and are ready for your "big date" at Friendly's. Now, these are tough economic times, so if you can't afford big prices like $19.95, you can actually make this at home with some simple every day items just sitting around your house. First, you'll need an electric sander. That's an electric sander. Next, you'll need to smash some coffee mugs onto your kitchen floor. Oh, and you'll need a hot glue gun. Next, glue the broken glass bits onto your electric sander. Finally, rub butter (or margarine) all over your face and work the sander across your face in a "swatting at flies" type motion. Once the swelling goes down, you'll look years younger. You're welcome.
Product #2 - Now that your all "sexied up" thanks to Product # 1, you're ready for that big trip to the Bahamas. Ohhh la la, so exotic. Nothing is more boring than being on a trip with the same ponytail all week long. How does that saying go again? Oh yeah. "Guys don't make passes at girls that wear the same ponytail every day." It rhymes. Well now you don't have to blend in with the local island whores because now you can pack all 6 of your different color ponytails because, you know, that makes sense. Some are dark blond, some are light blond, and I believe that one is actually just a brown bun. And nothing looks less creepy than carrying one of these bags through security at the airport that looks like you have children's heads locked inside. You'll be squealing with delight when you're getting a cavity search by Bertha thanks to these pieces of rotted hair. Seriously, enough with these things. And why is it that it's always some Asian chick in the middle of the mall trying to glue these things onto your head as you walk by. I'm a dude and they even try to get me to buy them. They're always like, "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?" I always reply with the simplistic answer, "I have airborne HIV." Sure, it's not overly funny, but once I walk out of Pretzel Time and back by their wooden cart, they're certainly not asking to talk to me again.
Product # 3 - How many times have you wished and prayed that there was something out there that would protect just the top half of your out-of-date clothes? I know most of my prayers to baby Jesus and Santa Christ start with this request. Well clearly my prayers have been answered because finally someone has thought up the brilliant invention of "cheap plastic over cheap clothes." I bet nothing is flammable about any of this. Look at the shit-bag clothes hanging...in the sky? I don't even think it zippers. Stupid. Even the moths, who LOVE eating your clothes, aren't desperate enough to try to get through your "Fort Knox" protective clothing system you've got going on over there. Honestly, if the homeless were offered any of that crap you've got hanging there, they'd probably say, "No thanks, it's not that cold out. I'm cool." Now I may not be one of those scientists that the Research and Development team at Harriet Carter have, but I'm pretty sure you can achieve the same protection by tossing an old moldy shower curtain over your clothes. There, I just saved you $4.99. Put that money towards newer ponytails.
Product # 3 - Do people really like horses this much? I can understand loving animals....actually I can't since I hate all animals....but isn't this taking things a little overboard? What exactly do they mean when they say "You never see a horse parked in front of a psychiatrist's office." Huh? Of course you don't. What's your point? You also don't see a horse parked in front of a school, at the movies, in a supermarket, at church, filing his taxes, or at your local IKEA. Does that mean those places are bad to go to as well? I'm confused. If I could create a horse t-shirt it would say something sweet like, "Horses. They never met a hymen they couldn't break." That's nice, right? I like it. I'm going to start making those t-shirts STAT!
Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 
Product # 1 - Are you a serial killer in training? I know I am! If you like to mess with all of God's creatures on a regular basis does Harriet have the product for you! All you need to do is simply place this animal exorcism kit on your tree and just wait for the neighborhood dog to come running onto your property. Within seconds "man's best friend" will hear an "ear splitting sound" that will chase Sparky off your property like an alter boy running from Father O'Malley after mid-night mass. I, of course, will be taking this contraption a step further and will be installing the "Animal Chaser" onto my belt. I will then take a trip to the zoo and simply walk around and see how the animals do. I'll also alter it so that not only do animals hear these earsplitting sounds, but the homeless as well. Watching animals chasing the homeless out of my neighborhood is more cost effective and humane than anything that a neighborhood watch could do. Thanks, Harriet, for putting an end to "dog mess" and the homeless.
Product # 1 - I'm not going to lie to you. At first glance I assumed this contraption allows you to cook your cat in the sky. Yes? Now are those 3 red snakes that are going towards that black plastic oval in the sky? Is this cat helping to remove snakes similar to the way that St Patrick got rid of the snakes? Most importantly, is this cat not only smiling, but wearing blush on its cheeks as well? So many questions so little time. Well, we're all wrong. This is actually a litter box called the "Ca ouse." I'll repeat that. The description calls this a "Ca ouse." Not really sure why there's a space between the two words and I'm even more confused on what an "ouse" is, but nevertheless people should buy it just so that their cats can turn into animated sketches and smile. This "Ca ouse" can also "de-scent skunk odor." Really? What's going on with your cat that it needs all this? I was always taught that if your cat get sprayed by a skunk you just flush it down the toilet. Was I taught incorrectly? I mean, that's what we did with my great grandmother, so I just assumed that was normal protocol for cats. Anygato, I'll be using this to cook my neighborhood cats. It comes with a plug and the economy is pretty dicey right now so I think it's my best bet. Meow, Harriet. Meow.
Product # 2 - Hey there shitty fingers! Are you looking to dip you fingers into your chocolate milk maker? Are you gross? Do you look forward to spreading germs all over your bathroom? Well if you've answered "huh?" to any of these questions do I have the product for you! Why it's Toilet Paper Foam, but of course! The "TPF" is used to add a foaming cleanser to your toilet paper so that your bum can basically get spit-shined after you take a dainty poop or projectile explosive diarrhea all over your bathroom wall. Simply pump a few squirts onto your toilet paper and VOILA! Sparkle bum! Luckily toilet paper usually does well when it gets wet so I'm certain that your fingers won't poke a hole through the paper and you'll accidentally give yourself your very own colonoscopy. Move over, Katie Couric, because now you can do this in your very own home! While the brand name is "Aaah" I'm sure you'll be screaming "YOWZA" when three fingers enter the bum. Enjoy trying to wipe the feces off your hand without touching the sink faucets or door know. Cleanliness all around! Thanks, Harriet, for making shitting on my hand fun!
Product # 1 - You know what's really heavy? Eyeglasses. You know what's light as a feather? A jumbo magnifying glass that hangs from your neck and is the size of a bathroom window. Really? This makes it easier for you to read then just putting on a pair of eyeglasses? No joke, that's my computer screen hanging from this skanks neck. My thoughts? If your eyesight gets this bad just go for an eye transplant. I'm sure Harriet sells an "eye transplant" contraption. Perhaps just go for those "books on tape" because you look a little ridiculous. I mean, I'm not sure if a book called "Mom's" will be on audio tape, but it's worth a shot. If all else fails you should literally try playing the piano and/or harmonica. What? It worked for both Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles. You never know. I'd try it. P.S, nice purple wall. Do they film 80's porn in that room when you're not sitting there? Thanks Harriet for being a literal pain in the neck. Sidenote, that was the cleanest joke I ever told and, perhaps, the worst.
Product # 2 - Hey Disgusting! How are you? Are you kidding me with this. THIS is exactly what I'm talking about when I say that dogs are gross and their owners just don't see it. I don't care what you say, it's true. This "lady" is washing her filthy dog that licks other dogs bums (haha dog bums), drinks out of the toilet, and eats its own puke right in the sink. Then, it's time to wash the baby....in the same tub. Mmmmm clean and sanitary. My favorite! But the fun and disgust doesn't stop just there. Next up this lady apparently gets naked and then washes her hair over the sink because, clearly, walking her fat ass to the shower is too much work. Although it looks like she's missing her hair and is just washing her eye. Maybe she got dog shit or baby piss in it. It's a tough call, really. She probably is also washing the fleas off that baby. Actually, that baby looks like it has rabies. Is that how you get rabies? Probably. Anyway, thanks Harriet and best wishes to this lady not having her kid ripped out of her home by DSS because I'm absolutely calling them. Gross.
Product # 3 - Uh-oh! Is your porcelain chipping? Who gives an F. The real issue is why in the hell is your refrigerator in the bathroom? Actually, another important question is who in the sexy hell has a porcelain refrigerator? Do they even make those anymore? And by "anymore" I really mean "since 1925." This does bring up an innovative idea. Sometimes when I get out of the shower I would love some breakfast but then I have to walk alllllll the way to the kitchen. That's not efficient at all. Instead, I'd love to be in the shower and just reach into the refrigerator and grab some milk for my cereal (I'll keep the box of cereal under the sink). Also, how small is the bottle? It seems like it'll take about 300 hours to fix that bathtub. It's kinda like painting your car with a bottle of White-Out. Stop. I just thought of the last time I saw a porcelain refrigerator. Remember that episode of Punky Brewster when Cheri got trapped in the refrigerator? Yeah, then.
Product # 1 - Hey folks! Ever wondered what the inside of your ear looks like? Ever wished there was a mirror that clips to your ear that has a two mirrors attached to it? Well today is your lucky and waxy day! Now you can see just how gross you are each and every morning. What a treat. I hope you can see your brain this way. I, on the other hand, am holding out until Harriet comes out with some sort of contraption that allows me to see that special area between my Mr Winky and my bum. I know that something exists down there, I just don't know what. I imagine it's like a hidden rainforest that has all sorts of magical growings that contain herbal remedies that can cure horrible diseases. The point is, is that I know that my special hidden place can help people and, well, I just basically wanna see it. I hope to one day look back and tell tales to my grandchildren about how their grandfather used to have to try to balance himself on the bathroom sink while performing a "downward dog" position whilst using a flashlight and hooked up to some sort of rope/pulley system from the ceiling just to try and sneak a peek. If they can put a man on the moon, surely, they can invent something to help us all see our own unique tropical rainforest. Keep the dream alive. I'm going to drink bleach now. Thanks, Harriet, for pushing the limits of science and technology.
Product # 3 - Oh look, "women" are trying to help out and fix things too. Isn't that cute. Luckily Harriet Carter made sure that the ladies tools are all pink because girls like pink and pink means it's for girls. It's like Barbie became a lesbian. You know, though, if this really is catering towards the female audience I do believe this tool box (haha, box) is missing a few important items that some women would need. For example, where's the sewing machine? Any room for some spatulas? Is there a compartment somewhere in there where she can store her towels after she's folded them all? Where's the space where she can put some tissues since women tend to cry a lot? If we remove some of the screwdrivers I'm sure we could fit at least 3 or 4 tampons in there, but am having a hard time finding the space for the maxi pads. I mean, what if it's a heavy flow month? You just can't always know that in advance. I also think that the feather duster will get all of the other tools in there dusty, but I think it's worth adding to the tool box. Finally, perhaps get rid of those drill bits to make room for the lipsticks, nail polish, and other makeup crap. Oh, and add a couple of extra pencils because I hear that women need to practice extra hard on their math since they aren't so good at it. Thanks, Harriet, for bringing the women's movement back about 62 years. Ole!
Product # 1 - Happy 82nd birthday Nana! We got this bottle of your favorite Scotch, as we know you like to kick a few back and then yell obscenities out the front window at the neighbors at 2:00 in the afternoon! Well, folks, nothing f's with Nana's dependency on the bottle quite like a Liquor Puzzle! A Liquor Puzzle you ask? Yes, a Liquor Puzzle. Liquor? I hardly know her! Nana will be squealing with delight while she uses her arthritic fingers to try and get this bottle open. If she clutches her left arm whilst trying to solve the puzzle, feel free to give 911 a quick call because Nana may be close to meeting her maker. I say put this "puzzle lock" on all of Nana's belongings like her pill box, the toilet seat, and her bag of yarn. Watching Nana squirm and fidget is only half the fun. Wait until he completely loses her mind, smashes the bottle up against the wall and drinks the liquor right off the floor mixed in with all the broken glass. Make sure you're camera ready because nothing says "memories" quite like Nana smiling with a mouth full of cuts and blood. I love you Nana! May you live for another 82 days.
Product # 2 - Do you love it when your Mistletoe yells filthy slurs at you while you're kissing your whore? I know I do. I always think, "Hmmm, if only something was yelling at me." Well you are now in luck thanks to the "Nasty Talking Mistletoe." Thanks to two AA batteries, you can hear such scandalous phrases as: "Get a room, why don't ya," and "Mmmm check out THOSE ornaments!" and "Hey, hey...let's see some action down there!!" Wow. I hope this comes with an XXX rating. I'm going to make my own Nasty Mistletoe that will say the following: "Wow I thought we were just going to kiss, but now I see your pussy. I'm talking about your cat." And other holiday favorites like, "Wanna see my balls? I mean my kissing balls? Wanna kiss my balls. Ho ho ho?" And finally my personal favorite, "Santa went down the chimney. You wanna go down my pants and give me hand pleasure? Tis the season!" See, if you add a "Tis the season" in there it doesn't seem so bad. I'm loving a filthy Christmas. Merry Christmas to all and to all a skank-filled night!
Product # 3 - Thanks to me being a Catholic, also known as "the right religion" I get to experience the joy of Christmas, especially since Santa technically gave birth to Jesus. It actually wasn't Mary who did. It was just a misunderstanding. Oh, and that whole "in a manger" scenario was a bit exaggerated. They were just a little ticked off because they didn't get a room with a balcony. Anyway, Christmas has become very ho-hum and really needed a change. So, thanks to the scientists in the Harriet Carter lab they've decided to start selling upside down Christmas trees. I shit you not. The tree is literally put together upside down because, you know, that makes complete sense. But don't fret, white trash customers, you can still hang your ghetto I Love Lucy ornaments and M&M Santa's on the upside down tree. Phew! I was scared for a second because what would you have done if you ended up losing literally 10's of dollars on your complete ornament collection!? Just think of the precious look on your kids faces when they wake up and run downstairs in their pissed stained pajamas and you tell them that Satan (not Santa) F'd with their house on Christmas morning! What joy! You can even kick it up a notch by having your local priest come over and perform and exorcism on the kids right after they open their gifts. I'd tell my kids that they were so bad all year long that Santa said "F*ck the coal in their stockings" and he decided to just flip the god damn tree right the hell over. For an added bonus see how many verses of "Noel" you and the family can sing before the entire tree bursts into flames! Ole!
Product # 1 - Just because we're in the middle of Autumn doesn't mean that your dingle-berry or your vaginastein isn't going to be hot under those covers. Well now you don't have to toss and turn all night long with swamp balls or pond pussy, thanks to this fan that you install on the foot of your bed and blows a nice cool breeze right up to your perverted privates. Be careful to sleep with your legs partially closed or your sex parts may catch cold. Have you ever seen a vagina sneeze? It ain't pretty. Lucky for this lively woman in the photo, the white arrows let her know just exactly where the wind is going to go. It starts at her feet, travels up her mannequin body, and finally ends up bouncing off of her brown wig, and into the blue sky that (for some reason) happens to be at her headboard. Make sure you don't turn that fan on high or your bed will end up just like this ladies bed....floating in the sky. And what a real dish she is! Just look at the way she lets her moustache grow without any hesitation. Oooh la la! They just grow 'em different in France. Is it any wonder she's sleeping alone? Thanks, Harriet, for inventing the very first ice box.
